I really need to apologize for not writing a single word for such a long time, but I guess I needed this time.
June went by with the idea of making a big road trip with my three boys. We started planning and then we decided to go for it.
We left CO on july 7th and went to many different estates on the east coast. It was amazing, unbelievable. The trip was a big success and everything went right.
We saw many things, we bond together as a team. It was epic.
We ended our trip in Chicago and then flew back to CO on 7/24.
My kids are doing great. S22 is looking for a job, getting better every day, became Vegan and is a lot healthier without medications that were not meant for him. Shame on these doctors.
S19 is in his way to college on this coming Thursday and S16 is starting his junior year in HS and is playing American football.
I am busy, busy, busy. Work full time, did not look for another job yet. I tough I need that trip to clear my mind and turn some pages. Interacting more in church and learning a lot more about my faith.
I turned my life around. Even tough I had so many wounds, slowly I started understanding that I needed to change. And I did, and I got more on my own self, I smile more, and I feel good more often.
Always have interactions with XH, sometimes we talk briefly, sometimes I try to keep my distance, and sometimes we talk more.
You will say... all the same.
But this weekend something was different. On Saturday, I was at a party with the church people and then for my surprise, XH showed up with our three boys. It was nice. They left before me.
I left that party and went to my Divorce group party. I got home by 9pm and XH was still there talking to the kids, then he started talking to me about something stupid like he does not want to pay for our kid's hair cut.
Oh well, I got kind of mad, then of course, we started talking about us as usual. I said many things and he did too. Basically apologizing for my wrong doings during the M and he was doing the same on his end.
We talked until 1:30am sunday. At some point I told him that he was the only man I ever loved, and that I know I need to go away because I still love him and it is that simple, I love him and won't hide it. But, I respect his decision and will move on with my life and be happy. I said that I will have someone else in my life but I know I won't ever love the same way I love him.
He said that he feels the same way about me.
When he was leaving, I said that I will be happy again, that life will be good for both of us. He was getting into his car and said: "Don't close the door just yet if you can". Then left.
Well, it bugged me, but I am use to hear things and nothing happen, so I just did let go.
Next morning he was at church. I was happy, just my day was good. I said hi to him and sat on my own as I always do.
I left church by a different door that day, and he was in the front door. When he saw me he called and wanted to let me know that he was picking up the boys to have lunch together.
I looked at him and said that it was OK and that I knew it because he put the date on his schedule. Said see you later, byyyy!!! And left.
He picked up the kids and when he was back he asked to talk to me. He was talking about logistics about S19 moving and S16 school. Then he started talking about my finances. At some point I got mad with him and was really upset for him being so nosy in my stuff, my life.
Since we were kind of arguing, we went to the garage so the boys didn't need to be listening to this. It was not a fight with loud voices or anything like that. It was talking with disagreements.
Then we got calmer and we again started talking about us. At some point I broke, and also broke into tears and said that I got it. I made mistakes, I didn't do many things, I was stupid and want to be right all the time, I did not show my love for him, I was not a friend, not a wife.
He cried too and said that he could have been a better husband too, that him too made a lot of mistakes, that he regret all what he could said and never did.
Then he says that he wants to be my friend. I said that I was not sure later on in life, but that I can't be his friend since I still love him. That I need the distance.
He asked me if this was the reason I want to move out of Colorado and I said that it is, only that I will be far from him. Then he said that I will go and will be there with myself. That it won't solve the issue.
Then he started saying that he has no one, that he loves no one and never did. That the only woman he loved was me and that it was hard to forget. That he still loves me with all his heart.
Then he said that he doesn't know what to do, that he is alone, he has nothing, he can't move. Then I made a funny face, like the dog eyes, and said: Why don't you come back to me?
He said: Well, I love you and I know you love me now. We can be friends.
Then I said: Why friends, why don't we date and try to give our R a shot? a second chance? And he said: Pink, I have been saying this for half an hour. I said I want to be friends.
Then I said: I have guys friends, but I am not interested in then, so with you it needs to be a date. Like going to a movie, but walk with hands tight.
Or go to a dinner, dance but together and boyfriend and girlfriend. And he said that he was actually asking me this.
Then we talked about that and we agreed that we will give another try. It will need to be slow and we both agree with it. No sex, just some dates to start developing our friendship and trust again. Kind of getting to know each other again.
We also agreed that because our faith, we will promise to keep God inside our R forever.
So we hugged, we kissed a tiny bit, and we hugged more.
He said that he could never find a woman like me, that he loved me before and loves me now and that he could never take me from his heart.
When he was leaving, I asked if he wanted me to set up a date, place... and he said that he will do that and will let me know. I said that probably next week since this will be a very busy one. He said that he will organize everything and let me know.
Well, it is a shot. We are both scared to death. But I am willing to try, first because I still love him with all my heart.
Maybe, just maybe, our family will have a chance. If anyone has any advice for me, I would appreciate.
The advice from Pink: I finally learned to let go, even if it was still inside my heart, it wasn't in my life anymore. But that is when he felt really attracted to me, because I shine, I smile with life, I have beauty from inside out. The vets told us, we doubt, just to find out it is true.
Love you all, and now I see that your kind words of advice, 2 x 4s, and experience made me a better person....
Love to you all, It was my time to love and discover myself and I did it, I found myself again.
