I've been away for a week....kind of outta touch with the BB...will catch up this afternoon.
Just wanted to share some toughts/ideas for my sitch. I read "Love Must be Tough"(James Dobson)....recommended by many here and especially our own Guru- Wiley. That is great reading. Will re-read a few times, too. Soooo, now I am finally getting that approach, similiar to Michele's teachings...however, making sure we do NOT lose our self respect along the way. I'm starting to get that much better. I have some thoughts re: this approach especially when it comes to sex....or intimacy with our WASs.
In my sitch, when my H was still at home (prior to S), we would have intimacy on a reg. basis. We didn't fully ML, but things got quite steamy between us...and we were even more creative than in the past. A 180 for me....and my C is/was all supportive of this. She often suggested that I act like a camealion (sp?)...go with it, cuz after all we were still M, and H did tell me on many occaisions he was no longer involved with OW.
But, now we have be S for almost 2 months....we've talked by phone 2-3 times/wk, and seen each other for short visits about every 2 weeks. No physical connection....one light hug that I initiated...and he fully responded. Then, I left. Now my question is.....we have a plan to connect and "catch up" this Sun afternoon. He's coming here. No kids around, no plans....just to talk. So, after reading Dobson's book....I'm thinking IF....and I know I leaping here.....but IF my H approaches me sexually...I know his subtle moves....do I get stoic and back off?? Do I respond?? Do I first discuss the R, and see if he's made any changes....is he "unstuck?" This in effect would be a 180 from the last 6-8 months. If he truly is NOT in another R, then I have a feeling...he will be in the mood for sure. I also know, I could be completely projecting here.....and thinking with expectations.....WHICH I AM TRYING OH-SO-HARD TO GIVE UP!!
I do want a game plan, tho, just in case. Wiley....or any of you....got some words of advice? What I think is right and would feel appropriate....is to see how H is that day in our conversation. I know he will bring up our current sitch. It may be more of the same ole thing....still stuck, don't know what H wants in life....unhappy....blah, blah, blah....
In that scenerio....I would not respond at all sexually. Just say something like.."I am enjoying my independence, discovering alot about myself, feeling good about my changes, and now that we are S, am not ready to be intimate on a casual, maintenance basis." I don't know, something like that.
And scenerio #2....if he wants to start re-connecting, see if we have something to work toward....then perhaps we should take it slow. Re-conncet by really dating again and see where things take us sexually. So, then that would mean no sex as well for a while.
I guess I just answered my own questions....rambling on and on. But would still like input from all of you DBers.
BTW, H called me twice while I was leaving town last week on my cell, once in Calif with my friends to tell me the house was ok....wondering how I was doing, to say Happy B-day to my Mom, etc. and saw on caller ID last night he had called (before i got home...tho he leaves no messages) He called this am and we made our plan for Sun. afternoon.
Hmmmm, Mooka. This is twice in one week this book has been recommended. I think I should read it.
I don't know if I have any advice on the sex question. What do you feel in your gut would make sense, and give you self respect and bring you closer, not further apart?
Seems to me there are a lot of opinions on this one, and that it is exactly the kind of thing that requires the kind of intimate knowledge of your H that only you can have.
Agree with your H. If he is wishy washy then agree that you are too and don't be affectionate or ML with him. He needs to feel that you are slipping away to make him not want to lose you.
If he wants to get back together or is thinking about it, I was told be KEEP to give it atleast 1 month of playing hard to get before agreeing that you want to get back together too.
Now, I have not followed the above advice like I should have in the past. I always said "yes" to ML. My LL is physical touch and that is what made me feel connected to H thru all of this. I now realize that I need to let go of all physical touch inorder for me to detatch and move on.
So my advice only comes from my own experience. Do what you feel you should. What will move you closer to your goal??
Hi Mooka, Boy my timing has been off of late. Its early afternoon here, so don't know it this will be timely, but I will try to make this quick...
First to reiterate what wonder mentioned ... if the oppurtunity arisesm, that you need act upon what you are comfortable with. If it doesn't feel right, don't force it.
Also make your decision without any expectations attached to it. It doesn't mean he is unstuck ... it doesn't mean he is turning the corner or that you should expect a phone call the next day. If you are open to it, take it only to be a wonderful way to connect in the moment. To leave him feeling a good moment, and maybe ... hopefully, a reminder on how it once was.
With CAW & I, this aspect of our R was always one of its greatest strength especially when she was the one initiating, so I wanted to keep that connection. I also tried a 180 here and attempted to bring more raw passion into it. What was kinda weird was she definately put more passion into it too, but it did seem to work.
... and mind you it has a better chance of working if you follow his lead and if feels like the kind of music you want to dance to, then go for it.
Hey all....thanks for visiting and offering up such supportive, timely advice.
Overall the afternoon went quite well. I will review the positives briefly. By the way H did not initiate ML...just a hug at the end of the day. Which was pleasant.
Positives:
H called twice to set up our plan He was on time He was friendly (which is normal the last few months) Brought his laundry (meant he was staying for at least 3 hrs) 2nd time since the S....he does it on his own. Had a list of things to discuss: Kids college logistics, D graduation in Seattle, finances, cars, his work
He asked how I was doing. I said "I'm doing well, things are going pretty good for me. Keeping busy, enjoying work, friends, and gaining a lot of perspective on things." I was upbeat, pleasant, animated. He asked aobut my visit with friends in CA and my visit with my Mom in AZ.
I asked him how he was doing. He said, "well work is no different, lots of pieces dissatisfying, people he doesn't repect and trust....but it pays well....and he's not making any changes in the near future." "He talked aobut his self maintanance...said that was going well. Said he was getting quality time alone to think things through and making some headway." I just listened and validated, didn't ask for specifics at all. (tho I wanted to....and was waiting for a bomb, silently) That's all on his personal front.
He then told me he is thinking I should use his new car and he take mine. He's getting one May 5. He said he doesn't drive much...walks and trains....so I should have the best car. We talked about plans to get s at college...he said he was willing to take day off of work to get him (that's usually my job!) He asked if I wanted to go too. I said, we'd see what our s wanted. We planned our visit to Seattle for D grad in June. We talked about spending a couple nights together as family.
He told me about his apt more...the area. He mentioned he lives near a comedy club that I love to go to. He said, maybe you could come into the city and we could go together sometime. I said, "yeah, maybe"
He asked me to give him a haircut (one of my specialties)
Asked if I wanted to take a long walk with our dog. We did. That was nice....something we always used to do.
At one point, I asked if he had told anyone he worked with about our Sep. He said, "no not at all." He didn't want speculation/gossip flying around. I said, I had....and thought it was getting time to be more honest with those around us. He said...."we don't have a story yet...a reason to give others.." "I know you talk with your close friends, etc....he just doesn't have any trusted ones." I asked about the few work friends he shared confidences with. He said,"yeah they know....but not everything...just that we are dealing with marriage issues in our own way." Whatever that means!! He said we still have time....let's see how things go.
He talked about his ideas if he one day quit his job and the ratrace and where he would like to live. How to simplify his life. Asked me what I thought. We talked about Colorado, Utah, ....we used to always talk like this...but he hasn't over over a year and a half. He was careful not to say "we"...yet he was interested in my response. Interesting
He asked about dinner and suggested take-out, so I wouldn't have to cook. Our fav place was closed, so I offered to cook something simple. He liked it and we had a simple dinner and a drink.
I was his friend....rolled with it. He packed up his car, came back inside and gave me a hug good-bye. That was the first he initiated in over 2 months. He mentioned he might want to come out again Sat and hit golf balls, maybe I would too? I said, "maybe...let's see how the weather is." He said he'd call at the end of the week. He is going to Seattle Mon-Thu...will see our D for dinner.
He called about 10 minutes later, while on the road...to say he enjoyed the afternoon, our talks, and really appreciated the dinner. I said, yes, it was a nice afternoon.
Ok....all in all...like I said, it was pleasant. Of course as I start to overanalyze....I can take bits and pieces and conjure up stuff.....but you know what....I AM NOT GOING THERE....ANYMORE!!!! No more crazymaking for this Mooka. Like I said....over and over...I am giving this to God and DETACHING.
Thanks for wading through another long-winded chapter from Mooka. I do feel pretty good, kind of at peace.
Will catch up with the rest of you tomorrow. Ciao!!
You did great!!! TONS of positives from H. Sounds like he wants to spend more time with you. I love how you didn't say yes or no, just kept things open with your responses to him.
He's got to be wondering!!!! KEEP it up!!!!!!!!!!!
Sounds like your detaching is working! Keep up the good work! I would normaling point out baby steps, but I'm not going to do that. I think it is the moving forward with or without them that works the best!
Soooo, now I am finally getting that approach, similiar to Michele's teachings...however, making sure we do NOT lose our self respect along the way. I'm starting to get that much better. I have some thoughts re: this approach especially when it comes to sex....or intimacy with our WASs. 
Whatever that means!! He said we still have time....let's see how things go.