Episode 3 - The Divorce Awakens

[qt4x11]

There’s so much water under the bridge at this point, I’m wondering how would it even work to reconcile? Once your families and friends know, and everyone has taken sides - everyone becomes sort of negative towards the ‘other side’, and there’s that much more negativity towards us getting back together. Also, the legal process keeps chugging along, every week there are new walls being thrown up between us, making it that much more difficult to overcome this situation. And the truth is basically that these things are her doing, and everything is going along according to her plan.

My ‘DB coach’ says that her avoidance is due to the fact that, if she were talk w this with me I'd try to persuade her to slow things down and change her mind - and she doesn’t want to feel vulnerable again. So she’s ‘protecting herself through distancing’. My ‘DB coach’ says that the ‘least interested person in a relationship has power over a relationship’, and ‘if she has felt in the past she didn’t have power in the relationship she is not likely to let go of that power’. This is insightful - I’ve made my wife feel unappreciated in the relationship, it’s one of her complaints.

Last week was like a series of bombs going off in my life. I was starting to feel like I was feeling more in control of things, but then 3 divorce related things happened that totally destroyed me again. I’m only starting to feel like I’m feeling a little better today, which is 4 days later. On Wednesday, we had our ‘intake’ for our ‘court ordered mediation’. We had to meet at a court building and sign up for mediation at the end of next month and then two weeks later at the beginning of the following month. We sat in a room and barely looked at each other while the mediator talked about the upcoming mediation - it is to decide child care schedules basically, during the second mediation the children will have to be present. This of course destroyed me. Just thinking that the kids are being brought into this process kills me. They do not deserve this. I feel a certain animosity towards my wife for giving up so quickly on us, and putting my kids through this along with me.

The next day I had a meeting at work. Probably the best thing that happened last week was that I totally killed at this meeting and received some emails filled with praise from some very high ranking people in my company. The president of the company was in on this meeting as well. I’m happy about that. Because I had to give my presentation at this work meeting I did not attend the hearing for ‘temporary child support and maintenance’. My lawyer went, and called me up to ask me questions throughout the day. This process was very difficult for me. The gist of this meeting was that I now had to pay temporary child support and maintenance - the saving grace is that their side got way less than they asked for. But it’s still a huge mental adjustment for me to think that a large chunk of my paycheck will go to pay for my kid’s care in another house, when I’m not even there, and will go to support my wife’s ‘single lifestyle’. We also decided to begin dividing up our bank accounts and bills. I get to keep the Audi. Another bomb drop, I go to bed that night thinking that my world is exploding around me and there’s nothing I can do to stop it.

My kids were with me overnight last Thursday night. Their aunt, my cousin, came over with her kids and all the kids had a great time playing. I have to say that my family is really gathering around me at this time and offering so much support. One final bomb drop. On Friday morning my wife came to pick up my kids, she was going to drive them to visit her family out of state for the weekend. She arrived to pick them up driving a new car. Actually an older used minivan - but it was a new car that she bought seemingly overnight as I now get the Audi (and the privilege of paying the monthly payment on the Audi). New car? I ask her. Used car - she says. We make small talk about where she got it and the features of the minivan. Then I say - so, we’re about to start dividing up our bank accounts, and you bought this new car. It feels like we’re about to take a big step… are you sure you want to do this? She says - yes I’ve thought about it. I ask her why she is pushing ahead so fast without even talking about it with me first, and we never had a chance to talk about it. She says - that’s because if we talk about it you would argue with me about it. She says - I want to get along well with you, and I want to talk to you about everything - but not now, later after we’ve done certain things. I hang my head dejectedly and walk away. Walls being thrown up between us. I spend all weekend processing all of this and forcing myself to concentrate on doing work.

There is one more thing to say - over the weekend I met someone on a dating app. I had basically lost all hope in reconciling with my wife and in order to occupy my time and soothe my ego I go on Tinder and meet someone. We wind up talking all weekend and have a date set up I think tomorrow. I know I’m not emotionally ready for dating, but there’s something about her. She is beautiful, and she’s going through a divorce also in almost the exact timeframe as mine. And we have so much in common it’s almost spooky. I don’t know what’s to become of this new woman - but then again I don’t know what’s to become of anything.