What should I be doing (Working toward D 9)

[Coconut]

Just needed to get some stuff out, no rhyme or reason, just writing...

Feel so lost and confused, I feel like I don’t know where I am or where I want to go, how do I get out of this daze? My sons world is going to be turned upside down, I could stop that by staying were I am, but how do I manage being around her, how do I keep the anger and hurt at bay?

On one hand I relish the freedom, I can leave or I can stay, I’ve always wanted to live in the country and now I have the chance. But do I leave my Son, am I unable to heal without disappearing, am I even able to heal if I do. Will going just make me wish they were there to share in the adventure, will I enjoy it without someone there? But the anger, I’ve never felt such anger, it boils up in me and makes me want to unleash my fury. The pain I feel, it feels so unfair, I want to make her hurt too, but doing so doesn’t take it away from me. I’ve been mean, I’ve been nice, but nothing feels right, I don’t even know what right is anymore.

How do you heal when the person that holds your heart shatters it, how do you get past the indifference to the love that you shared, was it ever real???? How could she do what she did and kiss me hello or goodbye… I want to get away, get as far away from it all as possible, but will it come with me, if it is in me how do I get it out? Do I face it head on, or hide and hope it doesn’t find me, I just want it to go away but no matter how much I wish it away it keeps coming back.

Need to live in the moment, not think about the future or cry about the past, just see today for what it is and make it the best it can be. I can do this, I can be the best me I can be, but then the pain and sadness comes back… Still so much disbelief that this is where my life is, in this moment I am in a place I never thought existed, this place where I’ve lost everything in the world that I ever daydreamed about, planned for, and expected. My demons are real, my need to have a plan and feel like I’m working towards something keep eating away at me, but how do you make a plan to act upon when you don’t even know where you are..