Just wanted to rant a lttle...air some stuff out that I keep churning on.

Yes, for the most part, I am strong, and I appreciate allof your encouraging feedback. Yes my spiritual stuff really is helping, I think. something I HAVE to focus on each and every morning to get my mind straight. It does seem to work for me. God is by my side.

But in total honesty....I still ache inside about my sitch. I have loving dreams about H....wake up and realize the truth...then fall back asleep and have sad dreams about H and our sitch. Obvioiusly....I release some of this stress in my sleep. I do sleep relavtively good, tho. Get my 7-8 hrs most nights. Gotta like that.

The one thing that has been bugging me this week...is the fact that H mentioned last Sun he was going on a vacation and wouldn't probably be in touch until after I get back from my trip to see my Mom and friends (Apr 15-22)...OF COURSE HE HAD ASKED ME WHEN i WAS GOING. In good DBing style, I did NOT ask anything about his plans, timeline, etc. I just said..."sure we can catch up then." Of course my mind races on that....why be secret? OW involved??? Probably.

Then I think...."whatever....he is on his own search....he has to live with his choice.....I will not pursue, I will NOT appear needly...." I somehow convince myself...I AM taking the HIGHER road....and then am able to generally let it go.

Well....last night S comes home from college...all warm and sweet. We catch up, have dinner....hang. Then he asks me where Dad is? I say, I don't really know. He looks at me puzzled. Why wouldn't Dad tell you? I said, "I didn't ask...then I went off to my Mission trip." He says, "when I asked Dad he just avoided specifics....said "I don't know...just taking some time off and playing it by ear." S shakes his head at me....I try my hardest, to ask nonchalant....(churning inside) Hs secrets affect all of us in this family. His evasiveness is his main talent.

So, that's my rant. Just needed to write it here....get it off my chest. Plan to have a nice week-end with S. D called last night, too. Wanted to hear all about my trip. I have got the warmest, most loving kids. I am soooo lucky in that respect.

Thanks for letting me go on and on. Gottat get my head back straight, before S wakes up.

Mooka