Newby here, desperate for some advice (thread 2)

[JRuss]

ForGump re WAS/WW, I don't really know what the right label is for her. If she really thinks she fought a long battle, I see that as pretty delusional. She fought it in secret, I guess, but kept me completely in the dark until finally blindsiding me when I was at my lowest moment post-surgery. Anything approaching "working on it" or engaging in any way with me, though (what I'd call "fighting" for a marriage)? Nope. Not a single second of that. Not a single second of MC. Nothing. So she can say she's long suffering or whatever helps her sleep at night as she slowly strangles the life out of our family, but she CAN'T say with a straight face that she did much of anything -- let alone everything she could -- to try to save our marriage and our four-person family. It is a lie, despite what her #$^% friends might be telling her.

I'm really struggling this AM questioning what it is about me that wants so badly to be loved by a woman who clearly doesn't want me, hasn't for years and is just going through the motions. I should have a lot more pride than that, and on a lot of days, I do. But certainly not every day. Some days, like today, I feel like I'm right back at square one. I tell myself that I'm fighting because I don't want the kids to be hurt and possibly endangered emotionally, and there's definitely some of that, even a lot of that, in my answer to the Why do I keep fighting? question. But, at the same time, if I'm honest, there's something pathetic inside me, like a puppy, that just has a blind, completely dependent need to be loved, even if it's by someone who kicks me around and treats me badly and has been very clear that it won't change. Which of course is needy and not attractive, and so here I am, stuck on the merry-go-round that is my fake life.