Learning, growing and believing....

[mleigh4]

So H came back with I have changed but I still play the victim and blame him for everything. He asked if I really believe that he woke up one day and decided to leave just for fun, after I had already left him before and treated him like an intruder in his own home? That he would just up and walk away from a loving adoring wife as I portray myself to have been?

You know, I'm not angry, just so tired of going in circles. It's the same conversation over and over.

So, with no anger, it makes it so much easier to express myself. I told him" I am not saying this is your doing. I myself did not wake up unhappy one day. We did not know how to meet each other's needs and instead of getting help to work it out, we shut down and it escalated. We didn't have the skills to work through it. As for the last 3 years, I have tried. To talk to you. To get us help. I have done workshops to improve my own faults. I took a good look in the mirror. I have learned running from problems is not the answer, but it takes 2 to be in it and his heart no longer seems to be. I am not angry, just disappointed because I thought we were stronger than that. A marriage will always have problems, you work through them and become stronger, as long as love and commitment are there. No one is perfect, no marriage is perfect, we have made bad choices but we are not bad people.... I am not pointing fingers and don't know why you continue to think that. I'm sorry for everything, sorry our S has to deal with this, sorry this isn't getting worked through but remains stuck, sorry we are not on the same page, sorry you have not worked through your anger.

I went through a tough time during the last few years we were together. I was depressed, exhausted and angry for it. I look back at it now and can't believe some of the things I did or thought during that time. I am sure it was not easy for you and I appreciate you sticking by me through it. (Shout out to KML for your words) I wish I had been able to "see" what was happening and gotten some help, but I was in some sort of fog. It's the only way I can does ribs it. In fact, lots of it is blurry and I vaguely remember us talking sometimes, but I was already shut down. Finally, I started to see things clearer and I got things back under control. Anxiety was a big factor, which came after having Brady, and is what yoga has helped me to control. I wish I had been able to talk with you then, but I wasn't. I really didn't understand why I was feeling the way I did. It wasn't you and not something you could have fixed, it was something I had to work through. I hate that it apparently did too much damage for you to get past, but I was always faithful, honest and always loved you "

Geez, H got the message I have always wanted to get! Lol. Sadly it's true and feels good to get it out. I went through my own depression and H stood by me. When I woke up, he was shutting down. I am not validating his actions to bail on his home and marriage, but only validating that I know it wasn't easy for him.

The question remains, with so much hurt done by both of us, can we get through it?