The Fight for Self II

[CT1118]

Thank you all. I will do my best to come back to what everyone said. More immediate concern - Surfer called me out about cycling..."are you?"

Why yes Surfer I am.

On way out of beach today, s4 wanted food at a place on this road that "we" used to go to as a family. I pulled in and we were walking up. Place was packed, but who is right at big glass windo in front - WW and OM. Thank Crst my son did not see. Thank a whole lot more than god above that I did not burn the earth.

I was willing to put that down, but then tonight, my son was asking questions about whatever, dinosaurs, my ropes, etc. kid nonsense, and then he asks me if his mommy ran away.

So yeah, it is taking everything I got not to call her and tell her to eat a bowl of dks, that I want a D, and to never speak to me again. I was very specific in asking her to not let OM interfere w/ our s4's life. Yeah, she could not have known where I was or where I had plans w/ our son on my day, but still....taking the OM to a place we went to as a family just a few months ago. I am w/ my son, all is safe.

[CT1118]

no one?

[albac]

CT, reading this made me feel sick.

I feel for you, this is a nightmare come true.
I know we all talk about moving forward and dealing but something like this would just destroy me right now no matter how much I think I am in control.

I wish there was something I could say to make you feel better CT but I just feel for you and your S4. I hope the pain passes and you can feel better.

This is so shlt.

[ForGump]

CT1118, that's just pure pain right there. I'm sorry to hear about it.

I'm at the beach myself w/ my S, having a great time (D is away on a trip). I have zero clue what my W is doing but when I'm not busy my imagination takes off and I just want to club my own brain w/ a 2x4. Every place we go to reminds me of coming here as a family. And makes me indignant that my W is doing to my S.

WTF can I do. L foot in front of R, R in front of L.

The longer I DB, the more I realize the W I thought I loved isn't there any more, and the more I realize that, the more I realize I need to move. Doesn't make sense to keep the door open.

[Surfer]

CT

Read this first thing today. I had to calm myself down after reading this. Woo saaaah....

Look, it's sh!t. I totally get it. But you are incredibly strong. I can see it in how you get all of this. You are just the nuts when it comes to protecting your S. He is the luckiest boy to have you Protecting and Caring for him. Amazing. He will love you so much and as he grows and understands what you have done.......and he will, understand, he is already working it out in his little head. Bless him.

Right. Back to the plan. You know the drill. Distance, detach. Cut the feelings that hurt. No instigating R talks. You know.......

Keep getting your thoughts down on here. Get those negative feelings out. Help others. It will help you too.

Surfer.

[Cadet]

I can only say that this is not unusual, they go to places that they know, that they have happy memories of.

So she went to a place that her son also remembers.

Yes stay detached.

She is depressed and looking for happiness by going up lots of cheesless tunnels searching for it.
She will not find it in this search,
she is looking in all the wrong places.

You did not break her and can not fix her.
Continue to give her space.

[Surfer]

Cadet. Legendary. No waffle just clear direction.

[CT1118]

I can only say that this is not unusual, they go to places that they know, that they have happy memories of.
So she went to a place that her son also remembers.
Yes stay detached.
She is depressed and looking for happiness by going up lots of cheesless tunnels searching for it.
She will not find it in this search,
she is looking in all the wrong places.
You did not break her and can not fix her.
Continue to give her space.

Thanks everyone. Thanks Cadet. I lost my head yesterday. I am still shaking from it, for real, my hand are shaking and I barely slept. There is one thing I learned in this. Anger means I still feel something. After taking my s4 to daycare and while driving to work I asked myself "do I still want to be married to this person?" I answered yes and then asked myself why.

The why is that her and I understand where and what the other came from. We share a very similar struggle from very similar pain. We are a reflection in this way. We share the same life values and viewpoints. We have a very long history. We want similar life goals. We are opposite in ways that one is able to help the other through themselves. We know each other so very well. We are on the same page in terms of what we want our son to know about life and what to teach him. We were at one time a family.
I know confronting her w/ what happened yesterday will not change anything. I know she is hurting and this chump is a way for her to postpone thinking about her pain. I understand that she is not able to realize what she is doing to her child. I understand she is not able to fathom the anger in blood. I know I am strong enough to keep myself in check and to continue in my growth. Replay - I know why its called replay. What I have never read about replay though, it puts the patient spouse on a replay too.

Thanks again everyone.

[Cadet]

What I have never read about replay though, it puts the patient spouse on a replay too.

Of course the crisis of one spouse starts the LBS into crisis too.

Part of the script.

The difference is the LBS confronts the crisis and does not try to avoid it.
Take it head on and head right through it.
No avoidance.
Thats why we keep moving forward.

[AndrewP]

CT1118 - sorry I wasn't here for you. Crap. It must have been the weekend for encounters of the OM type.

Good on you for taking the high road and sticking to the plan. As you know I too know the urge to "do something" to "strike back". People who haven't been in our shoes have no clue on what sort of strength it takes to stand tall while having crap poured all over you.