The Fight for Self II

[CT1118]

ForGump, I got to be honest w/ you, I know in your heart you were supporting me, telling me I am doing a great job, and validating my strength. However, your comment about me moving on has been messing w/ me all morning. Its not your fault, but I have been fairly explicit about that question causing me struggle. I am choosing to work the DB program and come here b/c I believe it is the best course of action to improve the self - but also b/c a secondary result is a possible reconciliation w/ my WW. So I know you meant well, and you were correct about me knowing what I want, but I am just not as stable as I wish to be. Until I can get through one day w/out being troubled by my own apathy, maintain a feeling of loving detachment for 24 hours, or managing to not think about her OM's voice shrieking as I disconnect his shoulder, I am not as stable as I want to be. Only one of those emotions is desirable and the only one I intend to continue acting upon, obviously the loving detachment. Primarily I want two things here: 1. To be a man I can respect who is healthy and an upstanding example to all. 2. That I achieve number 1 and am able to be find strength of self in the face of whatever path my WW chooses for her journey. I have come a long way, but still don't see the end of the road.

Many here have praised my researched approach to my sitch and I am really glad for it. I hope it will help others to be able to help me if I expand as to why I am this way. I have three personality conditions which have affected me my entire life, I have never realized how these held me back (or sometimes helped) until this new era of me, and not one of them are necessarily qualities that society embraces:

1. I am painfully introverted. Do not confuse this w/ lack of confidence. Nature v. Nurture I am not sure. I was physically and emotionally abused for 10 years by my mother. My mother was her own chaos kid w/ unresolved childhood issues and she took these out on my father, my brother, and me. I caught the worst. Brother is 10 yrs older and left as soon as he was 17. My father stayed at work constantly to avoid her and eventually left my mother (they did reconcile 5 yrs later and are still together). I was alone w/ a very angry soul. As well, a relative molested me from age 5-10 (he was only 4 years older so, thankfully is was left at touching). This led to a response from me that if I remained locked in my own mind and gave the world nothing emotionally, they could not know my hurt. Funny thing about introverts is they make great leaders and speakers. Their ability to detach from emotions projected by others allows them to not really care much for how the world interprets their actions. I am renowned in my profession for my leadership and I regularly speak to audiences of 50-300 people and feel absolutely nothing in terms of nerves about it. I do however recoil when its over and people want to speak w/ me one on one - Ironic to say the least.
2. I am an INTP personality on the Briggs Meiers personality test. 3% of the human population are rated this way. You can look it up if you want, but it generally comes down to introverted, daydreaming, thinkers who see patterns in the world, struggle to understand things others find important/funny/disturbing/etc, and have little comprehension of emotional issues. This explains why my humor comes off as dark, why I can say things directly which may sound harsh, and why I am successful in my professional life - INTP's tend to think in ways which do not follow the rules and they tend to be very calm in very chaotic situations.
3. I am type II Inattentive ADHD. This is not the kid in class who can't sit still. The hyperactivity is in the mind, it never ends. Type II ADHD is a learning disability and tends to not be diagnosed in people until they get older and start to wonder why the coping mechanisms they have used their entire life begin to fail them - I was diagnosed at 41, this past June. People w/ this condition are predisposed to divorce, drug addiction, introversion, lack of empathy, misunderstanding of humor, a propensity for frustrated anger, and many other things which make mainstream society very difficult to navigate. It can make people look lazy, as they are unable to perform "normal" tasks like shopping, basic conversation, laundry, or paying bills. They cannot do these b/c the importance of such tasks is not able to be understood. Generally, deep emotion is only expressed when something one feels passionate about shows itself - people, things, places. I always knew I was different, but not always why. I am now on medication for it and the distracting noise in my head is gone when meds work. I am able to think, feel, and show emotion now like I have always imagined others do, but only while on the meds. The one superpower of type II ADHD - I can hyper-focus on a subject or task which interests me. Results in a complete sacrifice of time dedicated solely towards a particular understanding until one feels the understanding is being achieved. Not a great trait when a wife wants your empathy or attention. As well, I do not want to be on meds my hole life, so am trying hard to learn mechanical skills.

So, when one grows up not knowing why, but being aware that they do not view, understand, or approach the world in ways that most of society does, they either fall out and lose or they find ways to cope and make it. My way was always to turn to science and research for answers. I did this w/ people and relationships while in college in my young 20's. I studied how to approach women, how to speak with women in ways to get positive results, how act in business settings, how to project power with body language, how to negotiate, how to mediate, etc., etc. Then I went into life and experimented. In my M, I had quit using things which worked to keep me well (W was aware of my issues known at time and I hers), and when my son was born two months premature and my wife almost died in the process, I fell way too far back into myself, went back to drugs and alcohol, I did all this w/ a wife who is broken in her own way, and the rest is history.

Its pretty fascinating how predictable all of us are. Yeah, we are individuals to some level, but most of the time our behavior can be predicted down to a few reasonable choices. If you don't believe me, read about Game Theory, Occam's Razor, or personality descriptions by Freud. Not academic?: in short, the ability of science to predict our human behavior is why Amazon has a very high chance of know what you might want to buy, why economists can predict future social behavior based upon market shifts, and why the "old guard" here in the forums can tell others things are "script" behavior. All of us are predictable to a certain statistical level, accept that or not its true.

And thus, I use this approach in my separated, affair/addiction scarred marriage to try and make sense of me and of my WW. Believe me, I did my research - MWD and her approach, combined w/ advice of the "old guards" here seemed entire logical to my head and I came here as opposed to million other options I had. Sounds pretty cold and disingenuous, but I assure you, it is not. This is the approach I must use to feel the world. The medicine helps me experience things in a way I am not used to. I come here and rely on all of you to bounce stuff back to me. I learn every time. I thank all of you for it. The most selfish thing I have right now, is that by bleeding honesty all over the place, you all are better equipped to help me and to understand perspective when I wish to help you. A year ago, my lack of empathy would have not let me be here, or I would have been a nightmare for many. I am glad the arms of this place were open and that I have been able to accept the nurturing.