The seed beneath the bitter snows is me!

[2Times2Many]

Thank you, M and Sotto. I don't intend to do anything rash, but it's time to start doing something to bring all this to an end. I took steps a long time ago to protect my savings, etc. from H. The only issue that remains is getting out of the business and I need to find legal counsel for that as I've done enough research to know that I don't know enough and it requires more than H just handing over a check for my half.

I know it sounds like the knowledge I gained last night "set me off" but in reality, I've been thinking that this is the direction I need to go for the past couple of weeks. Last night was just sort of a catalyst, I suppose, to motivate me get up and start making things happen.

You ladies used the right words. My life has been a whirlwind for 3 years and I've reached the point where all I want is peace.

Bright gave me some advice several months ago. She said when considering whether or not to do things for her H, she always asked herself if she could live with it and was it the right thing to do?

I've taken that a bit further and have often asked myself if I initiated the D, could I live with it and was it the right thing to do? Until H's last visit, I could never answer yes to both questions. Now I feel like it's the right thing to do (for me) and I know I can live with it because I know I've done all I could to try to save my M.

I've known all along (as we all do) that I couldn't "fix" H or help him through all this or "save" him. But I always continued to care for him and wanted what's best for him, even if he didn't seem to want it for himself. I've tried to "lead" by example and show him the right way to treat people by how I treated him (with the exception of a few meltdowns). I've tried to have compassion and empathy and understanding and patience. I've done everything I could to keep his business from suffering as a result of his neglect.

But after H's last visit I realized that I'm tapped out and I just don't have the energy or desire to do any of that any longer. There just aren't any feelings there for H anymore. There's no compassion or empathy for him. I can't even say there's love for him. I don't hate him and I'm not angry with him. It's like I'm dead inside when it comes to him.

Anyway, in spite of the conversation with "Joe," the party was enjoyable and I met some new folks.

All I have on the agenda today is some laundry so I think I'll use the rest of the time to pamper 2T. I think she deserves it.