6 Months since she said i dont love you (4)

[Natus]

Just journaling.

So went to the dinner party after a couple of tins of beer at border. It was nice, met more people. Surprisingly welcoming. Not use to that sort of thing but hey.

Figured out i need to stay away from alcohol cause it made me feel needy, i wasn't thinking about the STXW but another woman. Thankfully did not drunk call or text anyone. phew. Not that i was that drunk.

Also made me to sore to exercise the next day although i powered through and finished my workout. Definitely need to avoid drinking if i plan to compete this year.

Starting to make long term plans, i want to look for an apartment with a pool. My S5 would enjoy that immensely. I've identified one but need to get my finances in order.

Showed the house to a few potential buyers. Hoping some will bite sooner than later.

During handover today asked her if she would be okay if i brought him to england and scotland to visit my relatives. She was hesitant at first cause it would be a 3 week trip. She hasnt been away from him that long before. Also probably dawned on her like it did me that we wont do things as a family anymore. I've stopped feeling sad about it but instead starting to feel excited and looking forward to it. I've already spent many months grieving.

Accepting my reality that its over kinda helps, i think i can start enjoying planning new things. Ofcourse loneliness sets in from time to time but its much preferable than the feeling of being around WS.

Another by product is I dont know if im becoming wayward myself. I have come to realize im attracted to someone but i have purposely not made any moves whatsover despite seeing the person through work almost daily. I reasoned with myself that im waiting for the actual divorce before i would allow myself to date. That and i dont know if im ready and i dont want to ruin someone else with a bad relationship.