10 Years Later - From a DB'er

[Sotto]

Hi Don, I don't think you are a loser at all, or doing things wrong...but I do think it is useful to go with DB principles and 'do what works.' It doesn't sound as though the current online arrangements are really working for you and perhaps it's time to knock that one on the head and follow a different path.

Part of me says - why not just suspend the desire to meet someone else for now, take the pressure off and just enjoy going with the flow on a solo basis. Otherwise, why not think about a different approach towards meeting people. For example, the salsa class I go to has many nice D'd women (and guys) who attend...not saying take up salsa - but activities that attract both genders and where you can go and make friends without the 'list' of - are we suited? No you only have 10 of my criteria and so I won't email again...I'm not sure whether the world of online dating is the place to be just now as it is full of rejection and you are already wondering what am I doing wrong and am I a failure? (No - you are complete, whole and perfectly imperfect just as you are....and worthy of love and connection.)

If you want to carry on actively seeking someone - have you considered going with a more niche site...XH and I met on a friendship/dating site shared around a current interest...walking groups....church....volunteering etc.

Also, from what you post, it sounds as though you have tons going for you and sometimes it helps to challenge our own mindsets. Instead of thinking - I haven't got a partner and others seem to manage this - focusing on the abundance in our lives already. Instead of my life is half over - I have good health and half my life left to live. Some of your comments sound a little 'midlifey' - I worry that I'll never have this again. My life is half over. I never had these problems in my 20s and so on...Have you watched Shawn Achor's TED talk on happiness? I always revisit that one if I feel in need of a boost...

Lastly, I wouldn't worry about not wanting to marry again. I think there are many women out there who would feel the same...and as for the 'list' - I think the 'spark' is more important and it is good to meet a guy who is comfortable in his own skin and radiates that - who is authentic and grounded. That's what I would seek anyway....

So, I think it could be worth taking the focus off dating, stepping back and focusing on some of the spiritual, internal stuff - how am I feeling and why, what messages am I giving myself. How am I looking after myself and nourishing my own soul etc...

Just my thoughts anyway Don and I hope something in here is useful for you...