How long does it take a person to realize you fcked it up. How long does it take for a person to realize you had a good thing and you threw it away. How long does it take for an adolescent to realize that she's been thinking like a child. How long does it take for a woman to realize that infatuation and excitement always fades in a long term relationship, that you've got to keep feeding and caring for a loving bond. How long does it take for a person to realize that the partnership you had was a damn good one. How long does it take a person to realize that your kids would've done a lot better w/o going through the disorienting splitting of the family? How long does it take for a woman to realize happiness is to be made, not found.
9-12 months seem, if anything, too short.
Me: 50, MLC/WW 45 Young kids Nov 2015: BD1 Apr 2016: BD2 Jan 2017: W filed Feb 2017: D final
My wife started the EA in Feb. PA in May/June. Now thinking of moving in with AP at end of the month.....makes me think another 9-12 months since it's a new stage???
W:42 M:48 T:9 yrs M:1yr BD: Feb 2016 EA Confirmed: Feb 2016/PA July 2016 D: Feb 2017
My guess is everyone is different and it depends how harsh the change is from what they had to what they have now. In my W's case she had it very good and that's not just my biased opinion I let her do whatever she wanted and Have whatever she wanted but it wasn't enough obviously.
And your W is much like mine from what I have read. Nothing was ever good enough and they have an unrealistic view of what a R should be and a view that every day should be super fun happy time in fairy land. This is why they have to figure out, that this place is an oasis and for all involved the sooner the better.
ME- 31 W-25 T-5 M-3 D2 ILYBNILWY and moved out - FEB16 W seeing someone else - JUL16
Your wives sound like mine. I let her do whatever she wanted and she always got whatever she wanted. I think she thinks she should have that pitter patter in her heart 24/7 like in a new relationship.....
W:42 M:48 T:9 yrs M:1yr BD: Feb 2016 EA Confirmed: Feb 2016/PA July 2016 D: Feb 2017
I will have to read up on your story. I try to avoid even thinking about time frames like 9-12 months. I work 1 day at a time and that's all I can do.
One thing I will add and this is just my thoughts, if my W moved in with someone else that's a massive game over deal breaker for me. I am NC as much as I can at the moment but if she came and said she was moving in with someone I'm 100% NC until it's over.
We have been push overs for so long Hawker they have zero respect for us. Time for that tough love.
ME- 31 W-25 T-5 M-3 D2 ILYBNILWY and moved out - FEB16 W seeing someone else - JUL16
This is all so confusing, I will keep detaching and getting my own life to live I just can't help but feel by the time she might be willing to work on us if that ever comes that I will be to far into my new life. Really don't know.
I have seen several LBH'S make a very similar statement about their concern that their feelings for the WW will be gone by the time she is ready for R. I don't get it. If you no longer feel in love with her and have moved on with your life...........then it's her loss.
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Sandi if you are around I would like you opinion on what you think my W is actually doing and what you think I should be doing. NC seems to be working and I will keep standing my ground on issues that I would normally cave in on.
Based on the information you have given, I would say she had unrealistic expectations in M. If her not being happy was the only thing she gave you as her excuse for leaving the M, then I would think she's looking for someone to "make" her happy in life. In the meantime, she plays these little games where she keeps one foot in the M and one foot in the single life.
I know you don't want to believe it, but I would not be at all surprised if she had been eyeing the OM before she left the MR. You've only been married for three years and have a two yr old baby. Something was motivating her to think she would be happier outside of the M.
Her actions tell me that she wants you for her BFF, but not her H.
I see how you want to be polite and nice to her, and I'm not saying that you shouldn't. I am saying that I think you are over doing the niceness. She interprets it as you wanting her bread crumbs and are available as her friend.
You are not doing enough to stop her from imposing herself on your time and life. She chose to leave it, remember? She should not have the same rights as she had as your faithful W, living and sleeping with you under the same roof. At this rate, she'll be remarried and still calling you, talking about what she did through the day......and about her and the new man in her life.
Hey, some people may see my posts as painting a bleak picture, but I am being honest and realistic with you, trying to help you see what doesn't work. It has been 7 months and she is no closer to going back home, b/c she thinks she can have you and also have OM.
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This is what makes it so hard we are both being so nice to each other it feels like we are both happy with how things are but I am not. And I don't really know how to express it without coming across as angry or grumpy and unattractive.
As I said, stop being so nice to her. You don't have to be nice! Just be civil when you are exchanging D2. Act like you have some power in your life. Act as if you don't want her, not interested, moving forward. Maybe you need to act as if you are the one walking away, b/c that is what usually happens that causes the WW to want back in the MR.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Albac. I thought I should go NC as well but my DB coach thought it was better to maintain contact. I am in a same sex marriage..,I don't know if that makes a difference or not...,but I don't think she has ever really missed me since we have had minimal contact.
W:42 M:48 T:9 yrs M:1yr BD: Feb 2016 EA Confirmed: Feb 2016/PA July 2016 D: Feb 2017
I like your no bs perspective on things. It's how I think when I am seeing things clearly.
That first statement about me being worried about not wanting her if she takes to long is from a place of a father feeling regret for his D and loss of family. If I am happy without her and move on you are absoloutely right her loss.
I am day by day getting better less self pity and more standing up for myself. My W chose to leave so she had to deal with whatever that brings and although I am trying to be polite I need to start shutting down the chit chat it's not helping me and I think you are right it keeps her thinking she has a foot in the door.
It's so weird that the only way it seems to get my W back in the door is by basically slamming it closed.
Anyway as always Sandi thank you very much for your perspective it just reinforces what I know is right in my head.
ME- 31 W-25 T-5 M-3 D2 ILYBNILWY and moved out - FEB16 W seeing someone else - JUL16
Must agree w/ albac on this one as I am a person who said I felt concern about feelings of falling out of love w/ WW. It's not about the loss of the love itself, it's not just her loss of not realizing I am a great partner to be with, it's about the loss of the family as a whole unit and what an unnecessary shame that would be.
FWIW though, the advice Sandi ended with and that she has said so many times here....about acting like you do not want your WW...solid gold. I will not suggest I know women or how they think, but I do know from experience w/ woman if they think they control you b/c you want them and you are able to confuse that thinking, you will stimulate interest in their minds as to why their powers of appeal are not working. That's basic college male hook up knowledge and since the WW or MLC acts like a teenage child, it kinda makes sense to use those college tactics. Just leave out the inverted keg stands and days without showering part.
"There is no more important fight than the one for ourselves. Keep on winning." Ginger1, Read her newbies. BD: Feb '16 D: Mar '17 Piecing: Putting the self back together was my piecing. S6
