Albac broken but pushing forward

[CT1118]

RSG - Every single thing you said above is correct. Flawless victory with your words.
My response to her chronic perimenopause/stress/fatigue/time management issues has been identical to yours; S4 needs a healthy mom, sorry to hear that, hope it gets better. And like yours, this is not what she wants from me.

"Are you ok", "Why are you short/businesslike with me" "You seem different" - all of, same reply - I'm really busy right now.

Shared happiness is a goal, I fell happy on my own.

Yes, mine left too and that most assuredly was the best thing for "us" as individuals and I agree it offers a chance for the future. My heart bleeds for every man and woman here when I read about them co-living. I know this may work for some, may put them in a good spot even to work on it. I was not willing to live in the same place, with all her stuff there, sharing money, listening to her lie, and watch her come and go at will knowing full well what she was doing. Did not fit my personality to recover in that type of sitch. That's me anyway.

I also challenge myself to speak to people. and I was the NOT ME EVER guy myself. Not anymore, fat, thin, young, old, male, female. I engage them all. Works out sometimes for good stories.

I may grab my WW's ankles again at some point, but I promise it will not be while I am crying and begging her not to go. You know that's right.

[Surfer]

Great positive and clear attitude RSG.

[ForGump]

I always do a mental double take when I read, "grabbing her ankles." That phrase brings back an entirely different memory of me and my W.

And that kind of animal connection is hard to process away through reflection, detachment and GAL. Muscle memory ... of the heart.

[RSG]

Thanks man. That kind of affirmation, from someone who looks at this from such an academic POV, really helps.

I do feel happy on my own, or at least I'm getting to a point where I feel it consistently. That's the word isn't it? Consistency. Not just feeling it in ourselves, but SHOWING it outwardly. And you can't do that if it's fake.

Thanks Surfer. As an introvert, when I'm able to get into that quiet place I'm really able to process and think things through. That's where I make my decisions, regain focus and do the hard work.

[CT1118]

Thanks Surfer. As an introvert, when I'm able to get into that quiet place I'm really able to process and think things through. That's where I make my decisions, regain focus and do the hard work.

I don't mean to look at it academically per se, its just that by nature I am a very emotionally connected person with a passion for having things make sense - almost to my own detriment in a sitch where making sense is impossible. So when the A was discovered, I was not happy with my feelings. I found dismantling them helped me. What I was able to make sense of was me. Thus began my 100' cliff dive into the nature of feelings, affairs, etc. There's a lot of stuff I don't even go into here about brain chemicals, the id, remnant memory behavior, etc. People here usually arrive looking for a magic bullet, people already here usually tell them time is the only bullet and its far from magical - hoping my "academic" threads at least take that concept to a level the provides statistical reasoning in addition to personal experience sharing.

Happy cannot be fake, I know I have tried.

I am introverted as well, badly, it has fked up many a relationship for me, and would not wish it on anyone. But, it is a superpower at times for the reason you identified.

ForGump - missing sx w/ the WW is a tough bit. At some point I just stopped checking out my lady. Not intentional, it just happened. True, the urges are animalistic, no doubts. But I realized her behavior and my lack of trust had turned me off, way off. I have often wondered how hard that would be for her to rebuilt if we ever get to piecing.

[ForGump]

It's just that, as Cadet notes, SO MANY of us move on mentally before the 9-12mos elapses and when the W starts to show interest again (as long as we keep working) we've become the WAS.

Where exactly did Cadet say it takes 9 to 12 months for WAS/WW to show interest again?

I don't mean to get too hung up on a number, as I'm sure it varies greatly from one situation to another, but, it's still interesting to have some estimate...

Thanks.

[albac]

Great input from everyone thanks as always,

Such a long road ahead but sounds like we are all heading in the right direction.
I am definitely seeing the signs with my W although it may not be her starting to miss me it could be just her starting to realize how much I did FOR her and she is struggling to keep control of her life.

Gump- I haven't read the 9-12 month thing anywhere but my with has been gone 7 months now. Up until she told me about OM and I was letting her do what she wanted she was like an obnoxious care free teenager. Since telling me of OM 3 weeks ago and me going NC she is the one killing me with kindness and has dropped the attitude big time. The tables have turned because she can see I'm getting on with life and day by day less afftected by her and day by day her life is becoming a mess.

To be clear I will not take her back with open arms as if this never happened.im not even sure I could take her back even if she was open to it. She has caused so much damage and it will take a long time to repair. I would need to be 100% sure she was all in and also that I am all in.

Start of a whole new world, I will try my best to enjoy the ride as I only get one go.

[CT1118]

It's just that, as Cadet notes, SO MANY of us move on mentally before the 9-12mos elapses and when the W starts to show interest again (as long as we keep working) we've become the WAS.

Where exactly did Cadet say it takes 9 to 12 months for WAS/WW to show interest again?

I don't mean to get too hung up on a number, as I'm sure it varies greatly from one situation to another, but, it's still interesting to have some estimate...

Thanks.

I cant tell you where, but I know I read that same thing somewhere. Perhaps one of the initial HW posts.

albac - per your post, my S is almost 6 months of and I confronted A twice. I have wondered - is it 9 to 12 months since BD, or since S? No idea. Also, as I recall reading that 9-12 month thing, if I remember context correctly, it wasn't about the WAS noticing she is a disaster as much as a "you should" put in at least that amount of time before you expect to see anything.

[RSG]

It's just that, as Cadet notes, SO MANY of us move on mentally before the 9-12mos elapses and when the W starts to show interest again (as long as we keep working) we've become the WAS.

Where exactly did Cadet say it takes 9 to 12 months for WAS/WW to show interest again?

I don't mean to get too hung up on a number, as I'm sure it varies greatly from one situation to another, but, it's still interesting to have some estimate...

Thanks.

I cant tell you where, but I know I read that same thing somewhere. Perhaps one of the initial HW posts.

albac - per your post, my S is almost 6 months of and I confronted A twice. I have wondered - is it 9 to 12 months since BD, or since S? No idea. Also, as I recall reading that 9-12 month thing, if I remember context correctly, it wasn't about the WAS noticing she is a disaster as much as a "you should" put in at least that amount of time before you expect to see anything.

I can't tell you either, I just remember finding it and thinking THAT'S A LONG TIME! Wonka said wait a year. I'm thinking it's 9-12 mos of DBing.

[albac]

CT,

I recall reading somewhere that it would take a minimum amount of time for them to feel loss/ take stock of what has gone on.

I think what I read referred a lot to like a honeymoon period where everything is new/exciting and the reality of what has occurred hasn't been realized yet. And at around 7-12 months (everyone is different so I wouldn't use a time frame) but I see it as about where I am now 7 months in.
My W is not out of the fog but she is starting to peak out of it and see what is happening and I think it is really freaking her out. She convinced herself his is what she wanted and thought it was still what she wanted until I have started to disappear and not be around for her now all of a sudden it's getting real and she is trying to cling on.

One day at a time.