MLC vs Midlife Reboot

[ciluzen]

Thanks for checking in, HaWho! Yeah, you're such a bad influence. I think encouraging me to take a break is a good thing. I've allowed myself to get overwhelmed, which used to be out of character for me. Now it seems to be the new normal.

The "zen" in ciluzen comes from my nickname at work. I was someone everyone turned to. I was known to be calm, level headed,logical, and understanding in even the craziest situations. I had a go with the flow kind of attitude and was "unshakable". Then this happened. Everything I believed about my life, not just my marriage, has been shaken. My memories of events and people...all is questioned and re-questioned. He has brought up his memories of things and they are 180's from mine. I'm assured that he is getting it all wrong, but it is unsettling. I am still not past the surreality of this situation.

Its interesting, we have been going over an entire unit on memory. It has helped me to somewhat drop the rope. Mostly in learning about how false memories can be implanted or memories can be altered simply through talking with others about something and getting their input or suggestions. Did you know that 75% of cases reviewed and overturned through DNA or new evidence found were convicted due to witness testimony? That merely changing one word when talking to someone can alter your perception of an event YOU witnessed that they did not? For instance, asking "how fast was the car going when it SMASHED into the other car" as opposed to "how fast was he car going when it BUMPED the other car" actually affected the way the witness estimated the car speed in testimony. It was leading. Also, those memories are very hard to over turn once altered. Fascinating studies (look up "hot air ballon false memory study" or "lost in the mall effect"). Made me see how Bubbles (gossipy, judgemental, over the top in comisserating) could help break up so many marriages just by spending so much time on the phone with husbands who had typical complaints about their wives or lives.

Anyway, I'm experiencing some issues. Even little things now take me from 0 to 60 and into a panic attack where I shut down. I've never had them at all until this year. They are very scary...my mind will not work! And they take a few hours to recover from. My daughter talked to some people and gave me a recommendation for a very good therapist who i'm calling Monday. This is no way to be.I also hope to deal with my anger issues. Also a new thing.

Other than that, Im trying to GAL when I can, even if its going out for coffee briefly with a friend. I have to walk my dog a lot, so there's some excercise.I'm holding on to my A grades and this is my last week of stats. Yay! Then one more week 'til psych is done.

On the H front, I have a second mediation rescheduled for September, since we cancelled to meet alone together last time and that didn't work. 2 weeks ago when my friend and were leaving the river house, he called to ask me to open the windows there (he did not reply to my earlier text letting him know we were going there). That was the last time I have heard from him. He apparently had that week off on vacation as did Bubbles' family. Neither of my children have been up there since July. He is not speaking to D24, but D25 told me he is almost begging for her to come up each weekend. She only has so much time and has only been married a year, so she likes to be alone with hubby as much as she can. And spend time with her friends. How sad and lonely to be in that 4000 square foot house alone most times. He can't even put his boat in unless someone comes up to visit, and Bubbles' family is into sports most of the summer.

I texted him this week to try to arrange a time to sign papers at our bank to get him off of our joint account, but he never texted back. I need him off of the account, but I can wait until mediation to bring it up. We have to do it in person on the same day at the same branch, but not at the same time. I don't want to shut down the account as it is my checking and tied to my credit card. Too many things would be affected. It kind of ticks me off that after his "don't try so hard not to call me" speech he can't reply to an important (to me) text, but I'm not calling or texting again. I paid my lawyer a flat fee. I don't mind handling everything through her.

I do still read everyone's situations when I can. Its a rough journey for all, but it is so helpful to watch as people move forward, one way or the other. They all seem to be successes eventually, at the very least in finding their own strength. You all are so empowering in sharing your stories. Well, back to my study cave!