Albac broken but pushing forward

[CT1118]

albac - I had not read your sitch in two days and doing so tonight reminds me as to how much confusion we are all in in as things move like shorelines. PS buddy, I am not sure what your handle stands for, but I wish it started with a capital "A"- you have earned a capital letter for your handle.

Man, so what did I get in here?, so far behind, read so much. I think first and foremost, the dudes here who have some W's who left us should stop putting so much pressure on Sandi. To me, Sandi is a free will individual w/ her own opinions. She has choice whether to comment or not to. The fact that she has been on this board, basically repeating the same message towards individual situations speaks very highly of her character and her faith in this forums ability to assist others. Lets not mistake her generosity of time with being an on call nurse.

Next, great work on not doing the family stuff "together". Being in the physical presence of a human you created and the person who helped you create that person does not make you a family. Good work, i found this one hard to let go of, you do too, but my dear sir albec, you have held the line.

Of course you are reading too deep into things, entire nature of what things are = confusion. Hold your line sir.

Next and here comes an empowerment speech gentlemen:

It is bleak, and I think the right balance is hard to arrive at.

But I think we LBS need to keep in mind that ...

A) Our WW/MLC has chosen to put their short-term emotional needs above the needs of the children and the LBS. They are choosing to take away 50% or more of our access to your children. We WILL BE FORCED TO MISS 50% of our kids' remaining childhood. And our children will suffer some sort of effect/trauma from witnessing what they thought was a rock solid basis of their lives -- the family unit -- split up.
B) Our WW/MLC -- despite however many years of affection, kisses, hugs, and sex -- has rejected us as a romantic/sexual partner.
C) Our WW/MLC is having or will have a romantic/sexual relationship with someone else, despite whatever type of commitment she made when getting married.
Now, does that make me want to treat her with some respect like some mature adult? Hell no.
I think most of us LBS's err on the wrong side. We need to meditate on the above facts and err on the other side. At least that's what I'm trying to do.

Nothing is bleak! ForGump, dump that thought. - the future is fking as bright and shiny as the time I choose to wake up tomorrow (which for me is 6am on weekends regardless of the time I lay down).

"But I think we LBS need to"...., bllllllllllllllllssssshhhhhhhhhhtttttttt.........ahhhhhh!!!!!!!!....What I think is that the acronym LBS needs to die a quick death for anyone here longer than 1 month. I am no longer an LBS. I have freed myself from that thought and would suggest all of you do too - and as soon as possible. I am not left behind. That is a bullsht definition for anyone who wants pity. She is getting left behind each moment I get stronger via my 180/ GAL power.

Also,
I will not be forced to miss sht about my child if I do not want to. This is such bull [censored] I will leave it be. But let me say this...I was born a warrior and my son's future will not be dictated. to nominal social fights

[albac]

CT thanks for stopping by as always,

I definitely appreciate everything Sandi does for this board and this is the first time I have asked for an opinion. As always everyone's time is there own and I don't expect replies from anyone but appreciate them all.

The last post I wrote was from an emotional place it was straight after she left my house and everything was raw. I need to give things time to settle as now I feel much the same as I did the last 4 days which was fine.

The NC is helping a lot I feel my better not being around her as I don't get emotional. You are also on the money with not being a LBS. I am a man living my own life and moving forward if she doesn't want to be on the train that's her call and I would rather her be gone now then hang around and pretend we are in love and have an A behind my back. As much as I try to understand and rationalize everything, she does not love me right now and I don't want someone that does not love me. Every time I stop thinking about the hurt she has caused ME and I just think about how I felt before she left and where our marriage was going I realize she had some major issues of her own that need sorting out and only she can do that.

I need to leave her to experience her life away from me and see where she ends up and I will do the same, but as you say the future can be just as bright if not brighter!

Thanks again CT

[ForGump]

Albac-- you need a summary of your situation in your signature! I thought you had one but now it's gone. Click "My Stuff" near the top, then "Edit Profile."

[ForGump]

CT1118 -- the word "bleak" was originally used by JRuss so please go kick his ass, not mine. Seriously -- JRuss used "bleak" to describe the relationship we have with our WW's, if we are to believe Sandi's description of WW's mental state. JRuss did not use that term necessarily to refer to each of our futures.

And I agree with that -- I think the odds of us avoiding D and getting our W's back are bleak, but I don't think our future is necessarily bleak.

I do agree w/ you on the term LBS. I think there is some utility to using the label, because when Bomb Drops happen, many of us are surprised and emotionally, and sometimes physically "left behind" by the spouse who has moved on in her/his wayward direction. But, as you pointed out, many (most?) of us recover from that initial shellshock, begin DB-ing, and find a direction for ourselves. So maybe as we get our sh!t together and find our own direction, we shouldn't keep using LBS to refer to ourselves.

[ForGump]

Albac, so much of your struggles sound like mine. I keep telling myself the only way there's even a slim chance of getting my W back is to just forget about getting my W back. It's a paradox, but I think it's true. Some switch was flipped in my W's brain, and ain't nothin I can do myself to flip that back. If we detach and GAL and move on, that switch might flip, but we also may have moved on too far past our W's. But that also says a lot about what a marriage is -- it's not just predetermined chemistry. Love in a marriage is sustained and nurtured through time and effort. So as we step away from our old marriage, from our old W's, as we spend less time and effort on it, the love we felt for our W's will fade.

[albac]

Gump,

I fixed my sig, thanks for that.

I agree with what you are saying the more we work on ourselves and come to just accept what is happening the better we will feel and the best chance of our W's returning.

I'm not focused right now on getting W back. I'm focused on getting ME back and hopefully W decides to work on it before either one of us is so far down the road we can't turn around. I WILL be fine. And right now my emotions are so shot I can't even answer the question of if I EVER loved my W. That's how messed up this is. I was so uneducated on relationships I thought you just meet someone you like get married have a family all easy! ha! Any wonder so many R fail because people arnt educated in what you need to do until it's too late.

Stay strong.

[albac]

Little development tonight,

W came over to pick up D tonight, I was hoping it would be nice and quick but as usual she wanted to hang around and chat and to be fair I haven't pulled her up on this yet as Its normally not a long time and we discuss arrangements for D next swap over.

She gave me he standard run down of things with her at the moment but it seems cracks are appearing. She said she is super stressed and thinks she had a panic attack this morning. She has to go away for her university course next week for 3 days and that will be the longest she has ever been away from our D and she said it was really stressing her out.
I believe her because as she was telling me this she started to break down crying in front of me. To give you an idea this is probably the 3rd time in 5 years I have seen my W cry. she is like a vault emotionally and would normally never cry, she has had family members pass away and not cry.

So here she is crying standing in front of me and I felt for a second like I should comfort her and hug her, but then a second later my mind reminded me what was actually going on and that she left and a H would comfort his W but she is not my W right now she is seeing someone else. So I looked at her totally emotionless which I think shocked her ( she may have even been eying it on to test me) and just said yes I KNOW how hard it is to not see D2 for such a long time. (I do it every week since she left so coming to me for sympathy is a bad idea on this front)
She composed herself and then I said I had to go out and do somethings so basically you need to leave now. After she was gone I didn't feel great about the whole thing. I am wouldn't say I'm proud that I could stand there and watch my W crying and not comfort her but it shows I have come along way on this road and she might just be starting to understand how things will be.

Anyway I'll just keep on going one day at a time. Stay strong.

[CT1118]

albec -

"I need to leave her to experience her life away from me and see where she ends up and I will do the same, but as you say the future can be just as bright if not brighter!"

That's right buddy, and the you proved it hours later...

"She composed herself and then I said I had to go out and do somethings so basically you need to leave now. After she was gone I didn't feel great about the whole thing. I am wouldn't say I'm proud that I could stand there and watch my W crying and not comfort her but it shows I have come along way on this road and she might just be starting to understand how things will be."

I know this sucked and had many emotions for you to process. But you could have gone many directions; sounds like you chose the direction of self. Again, I know this was difficult, but you did what was right for you. Guessing you are still minding on it today.

ForGump -
"I keep telling myself the only way there's even a slim chance of getting my W back is to just forget about getting my W back. It's a paradox..."
Sublime. You said this very well and it is true for us. Also, I agree LBS is very rapid term to describe us. I was just trying to put an ego booster into the sitch where things looked south. I know what everyone meant, same as for the term bleak. I just wanted to shoot some adrenaline into the room . Sometimes, gotta say things to convince myself of it as much as everyone else.

I bow in respect to both you guys today. Wishing goodness upon you today.

[RSG]

Albac, leaving them to their own devices is the hardest thing. Not just because of our own minds. But because they keep on trying to suck us back in as LESS than H status. W keeps trying to get me to feel and show my normal H responses about her health issues. "I have inner and outer ear infections" "My other ear is swollen now" "This really hurts, now my insurance is changing. I hope these antibiotics work" The most sensitive response I've given is S needs a healthy Mom. I'm sorry to hear that and hope you feel better aren't what she's looking for....so she keeps fishing!

Good job Albac. Keep it up. They'll keep throwing the line out so beware! I've even gotten the blunt "Why are you so short with me?" and I just say I'm busy.

Gump, it's very strange isn't it? The only way to get back what we all came here wanting is to show we don't NEED it. I even recall W telling me "why should I stay, and pretend to be happy just because you need me in order to be happy?" Now that I think about it, this was like sirens going off. I DON'T need her to be happy. I'd like to share my happiness with hers, but we're both working towards that individually. Lovingly detaching is hard work and mentally taxing. But trusting the process seems to be worth it. It's just that, as Cadet notes, SO MANY of us move on mentally before the 9-12mos elapses and when the W starts to show interest again (as long as we keep working) we've become the WAS.

I've come to realize that the best thing that could have happened for our M is that she left. Tough pill to swallow, but there's a better chance we reconcile now than if she had stayed at home. Keep working on you. When you notice changes in yourself without trying, it feels good. Wanting to have chit chat at the grocery store? NOT ME EVER. Yesterday I did it, just being friendly to a stranger. Felt nice. Going to counseling?! NEVER!! Now, it's something I look forward to, sacrifice time and $$ for. For my mental and emotional health, it was something I needed.

We can do it fellas. Unless you grab the woman by the ankles, cry and say I love you.....you're moving forward!

[sandi2]

It was your W who used her own child as bait to get what she wanted..........which was to go to your house. Then she purposely informs you of how sad D looked b/c she wasn't going to see daddy. You don't know if D really did, or not. Your W intentionally used guilt to punish you. If you buy into the guilt and let your W do what she wants, then her manipulation worked.

WW's play two cards the most. Guilt and Contol.