Albac broken but pushing forward

[albac]

Thanks Gump,

I honestly don't think it was deliberate but either way made me feel terrible.

W came over today to drop D off, I really thought I was doing well but like clock work every time I question it all.

It dawned on me today more than ever that this is going to take a long long long time and the chances of us being able to salvage a relationship are very slim.

I don't even know what category my W comes under. She said she wasn't happy she moved out the next day no A and then 6 months later decides to start seeing someone. The thing is I know what I did to contribute to this and I know it wasn't all my fault, but the person she is now is not the same.

As much as I am going NC and she keeps instigating contact with me I don't think it has anything to do with losing me as her H. I honestly think she made the decision long ago that she was done with me and the only reason she is trying so hard to keep in contact and keep me is a friend is guilt about what she has done to our family and our D.

I could be reading into things to much and misreading what goes on. I know I am not to believe anything she says. Today she was very happy and upbeat as she always is and is always super nice to me has not been angry, mean or spewed at me once since she left. This is what makes it so hard we are both being so nice to each other it feels like we are both happy with how things are but I am not. And I don't really know how to express it without coming across as angry or grumpy and unattractive.

I know all I can do is keep working on myself and keep up as little contact as possible and hope that eventually she will want to work on it. I really don't think I have any other option. Today when she left she gave me a hug it was the first time in 7 months I just stood there, I didn't hug back not because I was actively trying to not look interested it just felt so unnatural if I had hugged her back that would have been fake because I really didn't want to.

This is all so confusing, I will keep detaching and getting my own life to live I just can't help but feel by the time she might be willing to work on us if that ever comes that I will be to far into my new life. Really don't know.

Sandi if you are around I would like you opinion on what you think my W is actually doing and what you think I should be doing. NC seems to be working and I will keep standing my ground on issues that I would normally cave in on.