Keep Wearing Wedding Band? [Thread #2]

[sandi2]

Looks like I missed the party! I don't have much to add to what's
been said about the WW/WAW/MLC, other than telling you why I started
referring to the WW and separating them from the WAW, (and I leave the MLCers in Wonka's capable hands).

We have both been here several yrs (Wonka longer than me) and
experienced what some of you may call "the other side of the fense", meaning we were not writing as the spouse left behind.

Over the years, I had observed something in the threads from LBH'S
describing their W. I also noticed the difference in how a former LBS would advise (those who did not have a wayward spouse), and those LBS who had horrific wayward spouses. Those who did not experience what it was like to have a WS, usually gave what I call a much softer approach.......and, to me, it seemed as if the newcomers were left feeling as if everything was their fault....and that they had to be good enough, and work hard enough, to win back the WS.....which, of course, doesn't work with waywards. This started to bother me a lot. So, I started trying to refer to those WAW's who were in an A......as to make some type of distinction. However, I knew that a person could be wayward without necessarily being in an A. The waywardness was already in the heart before she had an A. That's why I think it is important for the H to understand the root cause (resentment, disrespect, etc.)

One day I noticed a newcomer who referred to herself as a WAW. Since
I tried to notice whenever the board had a WAW, I looked at her
thread. She was given advice as though she was the WAW, and she even
thought she qualified b/c she had walked away from her H. However, she left b/c her H was abusive. She did not leave b/c she was wayward or in a MLC. That is when I decided to speak up about the mindset of a wayward wife. I had lived it, and I had seen years of little clarification here on the subject (at least, from the inside).........so, I just started talking about it.

There are women who leave the MR who are not wayward or having a MLC.
Just as Wonka can tell you how quickly she can spot a case of MLC, I
can usually see pretty quickly if the W is wayward. There are some cases that I have to wait for the H to give more information and description. Not that I can read hearts, mind you, but b/c the outward display is eerily similar with other WW's. As we call it, their "script". I think it is b/c of the anger, and as Wonka said, the contempt she feels for her H, and how her mindset works. She may put on a front for a while, but her attitude toward her H eventually spells it out.

In most of the threads from H's, they are reluctant to accept the idea that their W is wayward. Most think it applies only if she's in an affair, and no H wants to believe his W would be involved in an A.
Waywardness is born in the heart......before it is manifested in the actions.

FWIW, I have also noticed (IRL & the board) how the majority of WW's are M to a man who has the nice-guy syndrome. Coincidence? Maybe, but I don't think so. Anyway, it seems to be the pattern I see in newcomer threads.

(Well, aren't you glad I didn't have much to add?)