The other thing that I've started realizing is that my being there for her to "vent" about the A is that I've continuing prior behavior of "Nice Guy Syndrome", thinking that if I let her vent to me, it will keep us communicating and connected on some level. Don't know if there is any validity to that or not, but something I need to think about more as well.
When I was a teenager and had just started dating, there was this guy who took me out. He was really cute and maybe I would have been more interested in him....except I had previously dated one of his classmates. It was his classmate that I was really interest in.....not this nice, cute boy. So, here I am out with this cute boy and I'm talking about his classmate and asking him why the classmate broke up with me, on & on. It wasn't long before I found myself returning home from that date.... (and he drove pretty fast getting me there). Of course, I was very young and had a lot to learn, but I bet you can see what I'm trying to show here.
I wasn't thinking about this cute boy and how he had gotten a car, probably washed/waxed it to get ready for the date. He may have had to work to get money to take me out to the movie. I lived a ways from where he was, so he had to drive some distance getting there. And what did I do? I whined about the guy who suddenly stopped dating me. And I was asking this boy if he knew why and had the other guy told him, etc., etc. You could say I was venting about the OM.
So, was this cute boy "there for me" as I vented about another guy? No, he didn't hang around to play Dear Abby with me. He politely took me home, and he didn't bother trying to keep the lines of communication open afterwards, either. I think he did exactly what he should have done! I learned a lesson in dating manners that night, and never forgot it. I was being very insensitive and rude to the young man who probably went to a lot of trouble to take me out on a date.
I believe it is extremely inappropriate for a WW to "vent" about her OM to her H! Perhaps I don't how you mean she vents about OM. I just don't think she should be bringing up the OM in conversation, unless you are asking her about him/affair.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
