Detaching.....nearly there..

[Buxom]

Surfer, you've given me very good perspective on things. Yes, I did mother/smother too much at a point about four to five years ago after his weight loss surgery,( which was supposed to fix his life). Enter MLC and A. I tried to be the best wife and mom, but I did a lot of chasing and giving him a hard time when he came home very late after being with OW. Not helpful. I strongly suspected from the beginning and even confronted him after a year and he lied so convincingly that I calmed then clues would crop up again. Things built up and I'd confront again. I started to doubt my intuition at times. It was those times he felt I was like his mom, needy, demanding, crazy,and too emotionally reactive and intense. All true to a degree but not like her to that degree. The perspectives get warped. She passed 15 years ago and he still thinks she was a psycho bitch, probably because she was emotionally intense but also did not save him from the incest. Very screwy family. Anyway, he admires that I cook like her and hates that I WAS emotional like her. I'm doing well at limiting reactivity and defensiveness. He has to trust the changes are true and lasting and believe me I feel the pressure and also feel better about myself. I didn't ask if he noticed changes lately but it was one of my mistakes made prior to starting DB and coming here, so I know his stance.

Yes, he had one appt for the incest and felt good about it. He even bought recommended books. He has told me lots over the past year, small parts. I listen and support and sometimes he wants to be held and others not touched. I honour it even when I don't understand. I check in sometimes to see if he needs to talk but not much. We had agreed to a weekly chat about everything and anything but he's having a hard time starting it up so we've only had the one. I'm willing he's dodging. Just another roller coaster.

Things get me down at least weekly and I feel weak and hopeless and depressed. I am very happy and controlled in his presence and feel like it could all be ok someday. When alone and reading here I have self doubt that I'm doing wrong or not enough. I post and often do not get replies and feel worse. I've appreciated this dialogue here but I don't wish to hijack your thread so please swing over to mine sometime to chat.

Imho, your wife is very self absorbed and blaming you rather than looking at herself. As a w, I can say that l love when my h would do little things for me like make the bed, or ask me to do something together or when he would just listen and reflect without trying to solve my problem. If he got irritated, because he cared and could not do anything about it, I would feel worse and back away. Now that I know love languages, I feel that we are opposites so we each have done things for years that were how we wanted to be treated not how the other needed to be treated.

Surfer, I'm so happy for your new work and all the positives that are happening in it! Few can boast that in any job. A great place to focus at a convenient time!
All the best my friend! Let me know if I can support you. Col