Detaching.....nearly there..

[Surfer]

I think my faults mirror some things here.

I have been very independent. For example, this sitch happens. W leaves. I leave a very, very well paid job, secure etc. I am less than 2 weeks into it and starting to love life. My new business, my own, is effectively 10 working days old today. I already have sufficient t business to know that my financial prospects are significantly better in my first year than they ever have been. Done the lot, from the BD to the petals, set up, website design, IT infrastructure, clients ents. Etc. I am very much a Driver, Pioneer whereas my wife is probably more and integrator.

I am not communication heavy unless trying to close something. Then my personality kicks in to deliver goals. This goes for persuit of a mate.

My WS biggest complaint was I don't care, I don't listen, she doesn't matter. All of this is totally incorrect - but absolutely correct I the way she feels (unless it's a WW story of course to justify waywardness - most probably some truth but....).

I was the guy that originally didn't think about whether my wife. We'd to talk. More I would ask for 15-20mins just to switch off after work. My wife talks 'a lot' and it often revolves around family dramas (her family, friends etc). She gets so drawn in. I used to try and fix and say 'I get that', 'I think you need to keep some distance as it is sucking you in and damaging you' - whatever 'it was at the time'. I would also say I am not going to get so involved, I will listen but at some point I would move on to try and get her to. It's not that I don't care, but I need to deal with things my way too. I could basically see people offloading as emotional vampires and hurting her.

I think the combination of me being very independent, I can't bake as well as my wife or cook as well (she is amazing at that) but I do hold my own. Beyond that and I can't be a mother - just Dad, pretty much I don't really 'need' anyone. I want my wife and felt I needed her but perhaps this comes accross.

This makes me sound hard and unloving yet she will tell me I am very kind, sensitive and caring - just not to her. I think this is I can deal with that in short bursts, by longer bursts suck it out of me (it used to feel like my W became the emotional vampire - but we were always dealing with someone else's problems - essentially her friends put this on her and she put it on me, not intentionally).

So my point, yes, not being there (also back late in the evening 1-2 nights p.w after client/work drinks, meals etc - normal for my job at the time, don't so much now) not listening, in her mind possibly true unintentionally at times - therefore not caring. Truth is, I was doing all of this for financial security for our family unit. This and the wider family were my life. Hated my job, but did it for us.

So there is a common theme. Independence, lack of communication, being the dominant partner even if you don't mean to (which also seems to be the common theme) - I think this creates feelings that create a MLC type sitch that can then result in a WS.

So when wayward, Sandi, who is amazing - she is like Yoda! ("The truth she tells" ha ha), explains that you can't correct their [feelings of (inadequacy??)] yet. They have to exit the wayward fog by feeling the problems resulting from their wayward ways. My WW hates the job SHE took for independence (but blames me) hates the house SHE moved to with the kids (but blames me) hates that she feels like the leper for the choices SHE made (EA poss PA) etc she is hopefully realising that 'wherever she goes SHE IS there'. The problems remain, so where there is little contact how is it me that makes her feel this way. It's not, not now. I have chosen to sit and wait it out - hopefully she will reposition her mind & her actions may follow. I have no expectations but I hope this happens. In the meantime, no H roles just Dad. Strong independent man etc (don't get me wrong - I did all the tears, begging cr@p).

I think my core point besides this is - what to do to mend their feelings (be that inadequacy or whatever) after 'they' return - if they do. But that's all about the next stage, piecing I guess. Let's just aim towards that stage first is my view, whilst focusing on this one. Detach be the best person you can be to show the nosey neighbour how fantastic you are. To do that, you need to be pre-problems you, attactive for all the reasons they fell for you.

Apologies typed this on my phone. Spelling problems all over no doubt. Oh dear....