10 Years Later - From a DB'er

[DonH]

Maybell I could so totally kiss you! I am so sorry it's taken me this long to get on my computer. I tried to at least post something from my phone but no luck. In any event, your earlier post for whatever reason missed the mark with me in many ways. Then you come out with this latest one and it's like you had laser focus! You are so spot on with so much of it and you have helped me more than you will likely know. I can't thank you enough!

So to start, GHOSTING. I had to Google it as I had no clue what that even was!!! I have to tell you, I had nearly the same level of lightbulb moment with Ghosting as I did when I first found DB 11 years ago! It has been that huge for me - I'm sending articles to so many of my friends about it. This is totally what has been happening to me - all of the time! Everywhere I turn - even sometimes with friends. Now, while it seems to be wide-spread and no one is immune, I have to wonder what it is about me and either my actions or the people I chose that I'm getting this over and over again?

BELIVE THE NEGATIVES - I again cannot agree more but this is so hard for me. With this women, I thought that right away. I said, "I see red flags with her" right away. HOWEVER, I keep getting told "Give them a chance" or "You can't always tell on the first date" etc. So that is what I was doing - giving her a chance while keeping my eyes open. SO THEN, after the first round of her not contacting, I had this friend in the middle so I told her that if her friend is not interested, it's totally fine, she doesn't have to worry or feel in the middle - that she should just tell me. The mutual friend says, "she's interested." And "that's just L" and stuff like that. She convinced me I was not seeing what I thought I was seeing. That has been the story of my life. It really has. I very, very often know what's best but then get talked out of it. I allow that far less but in many areas of life as I have the confidence I really do know what's best. In dating and R I am more apt to listen as I think I suck at it. Even at first MayBell had a different take.

WHY SO MANY GHOSTS? I remember when it was considered wrong to break up over a text message! Now somehow it's considered fine to just ignore the other person until they go away! Thing is, from where I sit, this it spreading like a virus. Someone has it done to them so they feel it's okay to do to the next. I'm just not like that. I want and try my best to handle the truth. I would so much love any of these women to just TELL ME THE TRUTH!!!!! Not only how they feel and what they want but any tips for me. "It was a real turn off when you did blank" I WANT TO KNOW THAT so I don't do "blank" again with the next person. That may be a bit much to ask or expect but "I'm not feeling it anymore, best of luck to you" is not!

SETTLING. Maybell I would not call re-arranging your or my priorities to be "settling" I look at the sum total. One person might be "flashy" as you put it or prettier than the other. However, the less flashy guy or pretty girl might have a whole other set of great attributes. If the sum total is still where I want it, I'm not settling, it's when the sum total drops below the level I can accept that it is.

I really am trying to give everyone a chance. When I say someone is in "last place" I'm just saying she'd be the 3rd or 4th choice among the current list. My first choice lives 10 hours away and it's just not going to work. That's how I'm ranking - not in a "disgusting" way.

Perhaps what I'm finding is the pond, at least the one I'm fishing in, is full of ghosts and wrong (for me) women. However, I've been in many "ponds" - online, friends introducing, random meeting, work events, etc. My ghosting has not been restricted to only one of these - it's happened from all of them! My frustration started and brought me here because this same thing keeps happening. I meet mostly people who are married, in a R, too old or too young or living too far away. Then when I do meet one outside of that list either she's not interested or I'm not or the games get played. I like what I like and don't know how to change that. I like white, sweet wine (rarely drink but if I do...) but do not at all like red wine. How do I make myself like something I don't like? If there is no physical attraction or chemistry even if they are a great person, I can't make myself love them or if I do it would be a sexless R. I won't settle. If anything, I can give up and have on looks. Even age is not that huge to me. No matter how hot or drop dead beautiful she may be, if she has no brain and can't hold a conversation, I'm out. It just doesn't matter. That has to be there.

I both feel so much better to know it's not only me but also so hugely depressed that this is what the wold has become. Ghosting - who knew!!!! It also doesn't solve my problem. The clock keeps ticking, days keeping turning into weeks and weeks into months and I've still not found someone (in the past three years) to even get to a 5th date with. Is this just my life and I have to deal with it? Sadly as a whole, I did feel better when I didn't try - at least I didn't have this hurt. Then again, I didn't have what I wanted either. I feel like I keep coming back to full circle with this really used to be way easier and a whole lot more fun 25 years ago!

Maybell I can't thank you enough! You really can't know how much I appreciate such help. I could have paid a professional $200 and not gotten near what you gave me! Thank you!