Albac broken but pushing forward

[albac]

Thanks Roist,

I should have gone into more detail as in isolation my last post sounds like I am angry and dismissed my W as being ridiculous. With the things she wanted that I believed were just way of the planet I never told her she was dreaming forget about it.

I always tried to validate, tell her that if we worked hard we may be able to have those things and if we find the right house and it makes sense for us I am open to move I never just shut her down and left it at that.

I am definitely aware of my contributions to the downfall of our marriage I would even go as far as it is mainly my fault but I can't take it all and I am or was willing to crawl over broken glass to try to resolve the problems.

The longer I am here the more I am coming to understand how true it is that we can not control anyone but ourselves. I am trying my best for me to make me he best person I can be. I still have a lot of questions to answer and need to work out how I feel and what I want but no matter where that ends up, what my W does and her journey are a separate thing and no amount of worry and mind reading will help me.

Thanks for the 2x4 Roist always enjoy a fresh hit of reality.

[sandi2]

I think the concept of boundaries is often misunderstood. I wouldn't think of them as "rules" exactly. We all need some type of boundary that protects us from others. Yes, we can always run, when mistreated. It is my opinion that there are some things I will not run, and there will most definitely be consequences for the one who dishonors that boundary.

I would dare say that your W is not concerned about your emotions, and is not worried that there will be any consequences for how she treats you. If that is the case, you can be just as sweet as cotton candy....and she will continue disrespecting you until she can't stand the sight of you! And, it will happen if you don't stand up for yourself.

It may not even be classed as a boundary but I wanted to tell her that we can't be spending time as a family while she is dating other people because it will confuse our D. I don't want pity and I didn't want to drag it out I just need time away from her as much for my sanity as for her need to feel loss.

Okay, that's a good beginning. But instead of making it a discussion with your W and explaining how you can't continue spending time as a family while she's dating, etc. Tell her in a clear statement what you will not do. For example: "I will not condone an open M by spending time together as a family". Then leave it at that, and don't go into detailed explanations. The woman knows she's wrong! You don't have to explain it. You are merely stating what you will not do. No debate, no negotiations. As long as she's forcing the M to be open for dating others.......case closed!

Don't even bring the child into the conversation, b/c this is about respecting you in the M. Don't use the child as some excuse.......and believe me, plenty of people do it. If she says it is for the D's sake, you simply say, "No, it's for your sake and it stops now". If she was worried about the sake of her child, she wouldn't feel so free to date, now would she?

But I have since thought that maybe just sticking to NC as hard as I can she will come to me and want to talk which would be far more important then me laying down a rule that could get any number of different reactions.

Stop calling it rules, and think of it as your way of life for the current situation. She's not going to pay attention to any rule if you don't have the strength to enforce it.

She asked me over for dinner tonight when I picked my D up yesterday I said no but thank you. Then tonight when I dropped D off I tried to get do it polite but as fast as I could. W said "arnt you staying for dinner" like she totally ignored what I said yesterday. I again said no thank you and got out of there.

Excellent! Excellent! Now, that is attractive and it shows you are strong enough to tell her no and walk away from her. It's exactly what she needs to yank her around, and maybe help her out of this waywardness. She is going to wonder why in the world wouldn't you want to have dinner with her. "Is he interested in someone else? Am I losing him?" If she believes you don't want her, these other guys will lose her main focus b/c she'll start being more interested in the man who she's losing. As long as she gets to have dinner with you and play family, then she's not going to feel that you are moving on. Actually, I think taking this route will be more effective than you trying to tell her how you can't be spending time as a family. B/c when you are saying "no thanks" and rushing to leave, it works on her curiousity, and you appear more mysterious.

You will have to show her that she can't play with you like a toy, or when she's bored with nothing better she'll spend time with you.....no, that stops now. She'll test you in just about every way you can imagine, before she will believe she can't still have you when she wants you. So, don't be surprised when she comes on to you, or she's crying wanting you to hold her, or whining about how you don't care about her, or she's teasing playfully and trying.......well, you know. Trust me, it's all a test to see if you still want her. H's make the mistake of thinking they need to show their love more. No, he needs to make her think he's not interested in her.

Oh, and when she text or sends photos, don't respond unless she asks an important question. What time did D wake up from her nap! How obvious!

She will want the guy who can smile at her, tell her no, and walk away from all that she is offering him.

[JRuss]

Sandi -- this really paints a bleak picture, at least to me. The message seems to be: treat your WW like a four year old, using the old reverse psychology trick that stopped working on most sentient beings about the time they learned to use the potty on their own.

I get it if the goal is to maybe give the WW slight pause, or even if your goal is a one-off roll in the hay, but getting back an ongoing, adult relationship? It's just hard to believe the answer is really the same answer it was when our kids were being naughty in the department store.

Come to think of it, though, I'm not sure most WW's behave a whole lot more maturely . . .

[ForGump]

It is bleak, and I think the right balance is hard to arrive at.

But I think we LBS need to keep in mind that ...

A) Our WW/MLC has chosen to put their short-term emotional needs above the needs of the children and the LBS. They are choosing to take away 50% or more of our access to your children. We WILL BE FORCED TO MISS 50% of our kids' remaining childhood. And our children will suffer some sort of effect/trauma from witnessing what they thought was a rock solid basis of their lives -- the family unit -- split up.

B) Our WW/MLC -- despite however many years of affection, kisses, hugs, and sex -- has rejected us as a romantic/sexual partner.

C) Our WW/MLC is having or will have a romantic/sexual relationship with someone else, despite whatever type of commitment she made when getting married.

Now, does that make me want to treat her with some respect like some mature adult? Hell no.

I think most of us LBS's err on the wrong side. We need to meditate on the above facts and err on the other side. At least that's what I'm trying to do.

[JRuss]

It doesn't make me want to treat her like a mature adult -- it makes me want to drive her way out into the country and leave her there, frankly.

[ForGump]

Ha ha!!!

[albac]

Thanks Sandi,

I appreciate your input and I believe what you are saying is correct.

I have seen more action since I started standing up to W in the last week. She is phoning me all the time trying to FaceTime me, for my D2 of course just funny how how she hasn't cared for the last 6 months about FaceTime and all of a sudden it's about D2 wants to talk to me.

She called last night I hadn't spoken to her for 2 days not sure why I answered I probably shouldn't have but I had been solid NC for 2 days and ignored a lot of calls. First thing she said was wow you are hard to get hold of. I just said I was very busy and what did she want basically she was happy didn't ask anything about where I had been or what I was doing. She did her normal 10 minute run down of how busy she is and tired and how D2 won't sleep I just listened and validated. She then asked if she could come and drop something off to me today I said I will probably be out just leave it at the door. She also asked me to go to the park with her and my D2 but always throws it back with a I don't care just thought you might want to.

Jruss- I understand what you are saying but I don't see if as a trick we use to control a child. I am not playing I'm not pretending my W walked out and is with someone else I do not want to spend time as a family if we are not one. It's no game and the longer this goes on the less and less I miss the person she is right now.

I no longer wang my W back at any cost I want my W to realize she has destroyed our family and want to come back but that also means I have to be ok with it if she is truly happy and doesn't want to come back. I am not wasting what's left of my life on someone who does not care about me.

[albac]

W had to drop something of to me today, it wasn't important but she keeps trying to have contact with me since I have gone NC. When we spoke on the phone last night I said I was busy most of the day just leave it at my door.
She mentioned about taking our D to the park together which as much as I would love to do that and it would be fun I'm not interested in doing family things as its a lie, she also throws it out and adds I don't really care just thought you would like to. That really makes me angry and even more detirmined not to do things together.

Anyway get a phone call this morning asking what time I would be home for her to come around and drop the Ds doll off not important what so ever. So I said well what time are you coming this way (so I could make sure I'm not home) and she gets angry and says whenever you will be home. I told her I was very busy today and probably won't be home all day just leave it at the door as discussed. She then while I'm on the phone says to my D we arnt going to see daddy then tells me how sad she looks and that she was really excited to come and see me. I ignored this and finished the call.

After I got off the phone I felt totally gutted, I didn't let her know while I was on the phone but knowing my D was sad she wasn't going to see me just ripped me apart. I hate this whole god awful situation after I got myself together I then felt anger. Anger at my W trying to use my love of my D2 against me. Everything in me wanted to say she would see her daddy everyday if you didn't walk out but we all know that wouldn't go well.

Anyway a bit of a rant but first time I've had some real feelings for a week or so.

Stay strong.

[ForGump]

Anger at my W trying to use my love of my D2 against me.

She should not be using your D for anything, period! This is awful behavior.

She sounds majorly confused, and it sounds like your detach/GAL/180 is forcing her to confront the bad choices she's made.

Yep, stay strong -- but keep a loving heart.

[albac]

Thanks Gump,

I honestly don't think it was deliberate but either way made me feel terrible.

W came over today to drop D off, I really thought I was doing well but like clock work every time I question it all.

It dawned on me today more than ever that this is going to take a long long long time and the chances of us being able to salvage a relationship are very slim.

I don't even know what category my W comes under. She said she wasn't happy she moved out the next day no A and then 6 months later decides to start seeing someone. The thing is I know what I did to contribute to this and I know it wasn't all my fault, but the person she is now is not the same.

As much as I am going NC and she keeps instigating contact with me I don't think it has anything to do with losing me as her H. I honestly think she made the decision long ago that she was done with me and the only reason she is trying so hard to keep in contact and keep me is a friend is guilt about what she has done to our family and our D.

I could be reading into things to much and misreading what goes on. I know I am not to believe anything she says. Today she was very happy and upbeat as she always is and is always super nice to me has not been angry, mean or spewed at me once since she left. This is what makes it so hard we are both being so nice to each other it feels like we are both happy with how things are but I am not. And I don't really know how to express it without coming across as angry or grumpy and unattractive.

I know all I can do is keep working on myself and keep up as little contact as possible and hope that eventually she will want to work on it. I really don't think I have any other option. Today when she left she gave me a hug it was the first time in 7 months I just stood there, I didn't hug back not because I was actively trying to not look interested it just felt so unnatural if I had hugged her back that would have been fake because I really didn't want to.

This is all so confusing, I will keep detaching and getting my own life to live I just can't help but feel by the time she might be willing to work on us if that ever comes that I will be to far into my new life. Really don't know.

Sandi if you are around I would like you opinion on what you think my W is actually doing and what you think I should be doing. NC seems to be working and I will keep standing my ground on issues that I would normally cave in on.