I think the concept of boundaries is often misunderstood. I wouldn't think of them as "rules" exactly. We all need some type of boundary that protects us from others. Yes, we can always run, when mistreated. It is my opinion that there are some things I will not run, and there will most definitely be consequences for the one who dishonors that boundary.
I would dare say that your W is not concerned about your emotions, and is not worried that there will be any consequences for how she treats you. If that is the case, you can be just as sweet as cotton candy....and she will continue disrespecting you until she can't stand the sight of you! And, it will happen if you don't stand up for yourself.
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It may not even be classed as a boundary but I wanted to tell her that we can't be spending time as a family while she is dating other people because it will confuse our D. I don't want pity and I didn't want to drag it out I just need time away from her as much for my sanity as for her need to feel loss.
Okay, that's a good beginning. But instead of making it a discussion with your W and explaining how you can't continue spending time as a family while she's dating, etc. Tell her in a clear statement what you will not do. For example: "I will not condone an open M by spending time together as a family". Then leave it at that, and don't go into detailed explanations. The woman knows she's wrong! You don't have to explain it. You are merely stating what you will not do. No debate, no negotiations. As long as she's forcing the M to be open for dating others.......case closed!
Don't even bring the child into the conversation, b/c this is about respecting you in the M. Don't use the child as some excuse.......and believe me, plenty of people do it. If she says it is for the D's sake, you simply say, "No, it's for your sake and it stops now". If she was worried about the sake of her child, she wouldn't feel so free to date, now would she?
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But I have since thought that maybe just sticking to NC as hard as I can she will come to me and want to talk which would be far more important then me laying down a rule that could get any number of different reactions.
Stop calling it rules, and think of it as your way of life for the current situation. She's not going to pay attention to any rule if you don't have the strength to enforce it.
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She asked me over for dinner tonight when I picked my D up yesterday I said no but thank you. Then tonight when I dropped D off I tried to get do it polite but as fast as I could. W said "arnt you staying for dinner" like she totally ignored what I said yesterday. I again said no thank you and got out of there.
Excellent! Excellent! Now, that is attractive and it shows you are strong enough to tell her no and walk away from her. It's exactly what she needs to yank her around, and maybe help her out of this waywardness. She is going to wonder why in the world wouldn't you want to have dinner with her. "Is he interested in someone else? Am I losing him?" If she believes you don't want her, these other guys will lose her main focus b/c she'll start being more interested in the man who she's losing. As long as she gets to have dinner with you and play family, then she's not going to feel that you are moving on. Actually, I think taking this route will be more effective than you trying to tell her how you can't be spending time as a family. B/c when you are saying "no thanks" and rushing to leave, it works on her curiousity, and you appear more mysterious.
You will have to show her that she can't play with you like a toy, or when she's bored with nothing better she'll spend time with you.....no, that stops now. She'll test you in just about every way you can imagine, before she will believe she can't still have you when she wants you. So, don't be surprised when she comes on to you, or she's crying wanting you to hold her, or whining about how you don't care about her, or she's teasing playfully and trying.......well, you know. Trust me, it's all a test to see if you still want her. H's make the mistake of thinking they need to show their love more. No, he needs to make her think he's not interested in her.
Oh, and when she text or sends photos, don't respond unless she asks an important question. What time did D wake up from her nap! How obvious!
She will want the guy who can smile at her, tell her no, and walk away from all that she is offering him.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
