The Fight for Self

[CT1118]

Woke up today and the absent feeling was back. Loving detachment feels different. My gambit of emotions seems to be rotating for the past 1 or 2 weeks between: apathy, loving detachment, anger. I should point out that I do feel positive and pleased with my self and my life right now, so that's not on the table. What are these emotions meaning to me...

1. Apathy: The apathy seems to run the day for now. Another way of putting it, as Surfer succinctly stated, is that I am not giving a sht. This is the most confusing emotion for. Apathy is lack of feeling, care, or concern. This is not how I would prefer to feel, but this is what is going on inside. It has been three weeks since I did the 2nd BD about her continued A and told her the constant lies were destructive. I made her lies a central focus as one of my boundaries and I even gave her a solution plan - simply do not say anything to me about what you do in your free time, just don't talk about it. Well, she did and she has continued lying and she did in email so its not like a conversation where I could walk away or cut it off. The fact that I have lost all ability to trust her (yes, I know believe nothing) has contributed greatly to this feeling.

2. Loving detachment: I do believe this is the goal for us. You are still in love w/ WW, but recognize that for your own self to feel better you have to back away, give space, have limited contact, and create a life for yourself independent from the WW. This is for your own health/well being and it has a tough love effect upon the WW - if it does not have that effect on her, than at least the WW has space to live w/ her own choices and move forward w/out your influence. I used to feel this one heavier, I do still feel it over the course of a day, but it is subtle mostly. This feeling is where hope and love still exist.

3. Anger: Coconut did a great job w/ honesty about anger on his post. I have not written much about my own, but truth is some days for sustained periods of time this one dominates. Not self anger. I feel a lot of aggressive anger for the OM. I am a dominant male by personality and my physical stature supports this, so I at least recognize the trespass on my ego drives this one and it does not help knowing that he is physically weaker, never met him, but imagine mentally weaker too. Don't freak out please, I am not going to attack him, that would have occurred many months ago if it was going to. While I have been able to accept that my WW's actions are not personal and that the WW is not who my W was/is (the W is who I love). I have also begun to be able to forgive my WW as part of my own healing, yet there is certainly anger towards her, which unlike the OM, is not a physical anger, more like a disappointment. Angry that she continues in the A, angry that she invited him into our lives, angry that when she asks me to see other women she is doing so out of pity and guilt, angry that she believes she is, as she put it, "I know you think me seeing him means I am not alone, but it is not true, I am very much by myself" (see, the WW is not rational - that statement by itself is a contradiction of terms).

So, that's my ride these days. Had to get it out there. Hope it relates to/explains to / or helps others. FWIW, the above does feel better than whoa is me or why did this happen. Detaching does work, but I realize it is a stage and like other stages comes with its own mini-stages if you will.