It is not really how I see it but when I think about it I don't want our D getting use to how things are now because it is all a false reality IF my W got re married or even moved in with another man there would be absoloutely NO family time again. And I can see that.
Having a family dinner is exactly the same. It's what A family does and we are not so pretending to be one now for whatever reason is flat out cake eating on her part and again o can see that now.
The thing is I am sure that at any point in the future we can be friends as long as I'm not abusive or a terrible father which I am neither.
People need to start seeing things longer term, if my W re marries and starts a new family or I do WE WILL NOT BE FRIENDS nor wil we ever spend time as a family ever again and I need her to understand that because right now she is leading her single life seeing others and thinks I will be there for her no matter what. She's wrong
ME- 31 W-25 T-5 M-3 D2 ILYBNILWY and moved out - FEB16 W seeing someone else - JUL16
This "we can still be friends" BS seems so common with WWs. Cake eating, guilt-based garbage. Mine has this vision that we'll be the very best of friends, and she'll be the perfect ex-spouse. F that. Break your vows, disrespect and demean me, blow up our M, put our kids and their development at risk, steal at least half of their remaining childhood from me, gut our fiances, and you think we're gonna be FRIENDS? Who needs "friends" like that?
Just more lunacy and immaturity from women lacking in neither, I think.
Me: 46 W: 44 Married: 17 Together 21 D13; S10 BD: 03.03.15 (Not attracted to you) Almost 2 years trying, alone, to save marriage Status now: Divorced (effective 06.13.17)
Even though she can't see it and thinks we can be best friends. I can see it and I know that when either she or I move on with new partners they will not accept a friendship and more to the point like you said who wants to be friends with someone that can put you through all those things.
I am very conflicted at the moment these last few days I can't even truthfully answer the question of do I want my W back, I just don't know anymore. I don't trust my thoughts I analyze everything and normally one minute I'm sure it's one way the next minute I'm sure it's the other.
One thing I do know is every time I'm feeling down now and feel bad for going NC I remind myself she has chosen to fire me as H and see another man. Then I feel fine again for cutting contact.
She has also started to pull back a little by more. No phone calls or messages today but at least 10 snap chats and not all of my D2. I'm going to continue down this track for a while and see what happens.
Hope everyone is doing well. Stay strong.
ME- 31 W-25 T-5 M-3 D2 ILYBNILWY and moved out - FEB16 W seeing someone else - JUL16
That's a really tough question because when I think about the good times, and when I think about how physically attractive she is to me, it tears at my guts... but I think about who I am to her now: I am a neutered, sexless sh!tbag eating up her valuable time before she gets to go meet real men. I reject that. REJECT REJECT REJECT REJECT. I don't want to be that man. FCUK THAT.
Me: 50, MLC/WW 45 Young kids Nov 2015: BD1 Apr 2016: BD2 Jan 2017: W filed Feb 2017: D final
Yeah that thought is gutting Gump, and it's the reason we need to change how we were and stand up for ourselves now. The thing for me is like you mentioned I was a pushover/doormat and avoided confrontation and when I said this to her a couple of weeks ago she said she never got her way. I was shocked
ME- 31 W-25 T-5 M-3 D2 ILYBNILWY and moved out - FEB16 W seeing someone else - JUL16
Can't remember any of the good times, just keep reminding themselves of the bad to make them feel better about what they are doing. One day reality will hit them and they will see the destruction they have caused.
My W actually said the other day in one of her random phone sessions where she tells me all about everything in her life that "I am like a tornado leaving a trail of destruction in my wake" couldn't have said it better myself
ME- 31 W-25 T-5 M-3 D2 ILYBNILWY and moved out - FEB16 W seeing someone else - JUL16
"I am like a tornado leaving a trail of destruction in my wake"
Did you validate? "Yes, you are definitely a destructive tornado."
More seriously though ... you might give some thought to her sentiment that "she never got her way." Is there some truth to be learned from it? Maybe she did get her way 9 times out of 10, but the one time that she did not is what sticks to her mind, and she resents you for? If something like that is true for you & your W ... not sure what lesson is in there, but ...
Me: 50, MLC/WW 45 Young kids Nov 2015: BD1 Apr 2016: BD2 Jan 2017: W filed Feb 2017: D final
I flat out said yes you do destroy everything in your path.
She doesn't see all the things I caved on as being her getting her way. She wanted some very unrealistic things that she thought would make her happy and she sees that as her not getting her way. I'm talking about moving house for no reason or building a house worth far more then we could afford. Most people call these dreams but she sees it as things she wanted and didn't get. Always looking for the next thing to make her happy
ME- 31 W-25 T-5 M-3 D2 ILYBNILWY and moved out - FEB16 W seeing someone else - JUL16
You are not seeing/feeling this from her perspective. I am not saying you are wrong.You sound practical and logical. But you judge why she wanted those things and dismiss them.
Her resentment and discontent could be more to do with her feelings/wants being disregarded than actually getting that stuff. She feels unheard. Think back and see if you could have handled these situations differently where she felt head/validated. This is not about caving in or just giving her what she wants. It is not that simple. Yet many of us adopted that role in our M. Look where that ended. We know being a doormat does not work.
I may be taking you recent posts out of context, but between the lines I hear a lot of built up resentment and rightfulness from you. Regardless what happens you need to work on moving beyond such feelings. Being right and /or blaming are not useful thinking at this stage. Don't play the role of helpless victim either. Take responsability and act.
Everyone loses in the blame game. Accept both of ye are to blame. Work on your part in that and don't dwell on W's past actions. Dwelling there will keep you stuck.
If ye get to reconciliation then you can discus what you see as her contribution/her faults. Until then it is counter productive and not where you should be focusing.
Even if you are not sure you want to reconcile,you should still work towards eliminating your contribution to the downfall. If not any future R is doomed to be a repeat.
I probably should have reread all you have written before launching into such a post, but your latest post plus memory of other posts encouraged me to send a helpful 2x4. Hope you take it in the manner intended, to help you.
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
