Just working the process, but wondering when......

[cbtdad]

Well so much for me just sleeping in the MBR. Lol
W and I just had a blow up. Or probably more like i just had a blow up
Yeah she even used the phrase "nothing has changed"
I'd say that's a set back
I'm just so frustrated. I got home after driving 4 hours this morning and then working another 10. So I was already tired.
I walk in and there is fried chicken on the counter. Mind you it's 10pm. So I grab a drumstick. Well I go upstairs and W gives me attitude about eating it. Guess it was for S for school or something tomorrow
I go downstairs, as I'm walking downstairs I say I'm tired of this [censored] loud enough for her hear me.
When I come back upstairs I notice my bag from being gone isn't unpacked all the way. It's like she just left it there. For some reason that set me off. And before I knew it I was ranting and throwing clothes and shoes as I unpacked it
I told her this is bullshyt that I have to do all this and it's not even like I get sex or anything. I don't remember exactly what I said, but it was along those lines.
I walked off. Few minutes later I went downstairs. Still kind of heated.
I tried to explain myself and why this is happening. She just answers "ok" to everything. I said, "what are we doing? We go to your dads, we talk about moving, we talke about all these future things, yet we aren't even in the same bedroom. I have needs. I need to know what we are doing. I need to move out of that's what needs to happen for my emotional well being"
All of that was just constant ok' as from her.
This is what she does when I start ranting
So I go back upstairs calm a bit.
Then go back down and by now she is outside.
I asked if she got my text. I had texted her to tell her to find someone else that would want to go to concert tomorrow night.
I told her to stop being rude and talk. She said stop being a jerk.
I said I'm just tired of it all and it's hard. That's when she said something to more of the same, nothing really changing or something like that. I told her that the resentment in me is building up and that maybe I needed to move out because
I would rather it not end on bad terms. I told her I realize I still have a long way to go and this proves it, but regardless of what i am doing to work on me that I can change her
I can't make her want me physically and want to be with me
And want someone to be close to and kiss and hold
She said she didn't want to discuss this right now
By then I had calmed down
So I walked away and just said please find someone to use my concert ticket

I am worn out. This is true. I do worry that this is all she will ever want.
The resentment is building in me and it's unhealthy. I can't live in limbo land much longer.
I am so unhappy with how I acted. It really upsets me. I feel like I take a few big steps forward but then one giant step backwards. But I'm starting to feel like the steps backwards are because I'm expecting something that just isn't going to happen
But I see the triggers and can't stop them soon enough and this bothers me
One thing I have noticed is when it gets like this is I can't even remember what my exact words were at the moment and what I said
That scares me