My wife thinks we're piecing (2)

[sandi2]

I'm sorry I forget sometimes, are the two of you living in separate places? B/c I wouldn't call it piecing, or even having much transparency if living separately. However, you could be working toward reconciliation of the MR. If she is willing to attend MC and she's showing cooperation, acting respectfully, and being truthful (to your knowledge), then that is a start to reconciling. I think far too many men let their WW back into the MR too quickly and without requiring them to do the work necessary in piecing back the M.

Don't put off getting a highly recommended M therapist. If there's been an A, then you need one who counsels in healing from A's. Don't leave it up to your W to find one. You need to be the one who chooses the therapist. Expect it to take time to work through these issues. Don't get into a hurry to patch things up and sweep stuff under the rug.

You need to communicate to your W if she means what she said, then you need her to cooperate, willingly, in a plan of transparency. Explain to her that it is a way to verify the trust she needs to build, and it's for her sake as well as for yours. It helps her stay on the straight & narrow as she is proving herself, and it helps soothe your hurt and worry if you can trust your heart in her care again.

WW's who have not been informed about things (like what we discuss on the board), don't know everything you've learned. They are like uninformed, so don't expect her to automatically know what you need or what she should do. WW's are still very touchy, too proud, and stubborn. Many will tell the H that he will just have to trust her and that she's not going to give an account of her activities. They don't like that idea, and some may see the H setting himself up as her judge or prison guard. That's not the purpose, nor the attitude he should have. He needs to gently explain that they have to go back into the MR with a workable plan. If they blindly start up where they left off......they will find themselves right back here in this spot again.

Trust is the biggest issue, IMHO. It covers such a wide area. It's not the only issue, of course, but that is probably one of the more painful things that included betrayal. Speaking as one who was in the position of the WW, I would not have understood just how painful that act of betrayal was to my H.......if not for the men who came to this board and poured out their pain for me to read. And with every fiber of honesty (if you don't think that's too ironic to hear from a former WW), I still don't really know what it's like to be in the shoes of the betrayed. If your W has not experienced it, then she won't know. And, I'll tell you something else.....her mindset at the moment, may prevent her from really trying to see just how badly she hurt you. I was that way.....and I was here getting the information. I was so full of resentment that had been in my heart for many years, and it just about whipped me. It took me a long time to get my heart right again. Waywardness is born in the heart/attitude, and it takes time to kill it down to the roots.

If your WW has recently ended contact with OM, then she'll start experiencing withdrawals. That is the most critical time for her. She will need a lot of support while going through it, or she'll break and contact him.....and then it will be to do over again. If you need to monitor her messages to see if she is backsliding. You don't have to discuss everything, or ask a lot of questions. If she's making contact, she'll get careless. I also suggest you not look every day, b/c it could overtake you and become an obsession. Once a man reads some content between his W and OM, it's hard to get it out of his head. So, beware and only do what you can handle, as you enter into this phase of transparency.