The Fight for Self

[CT1118]

Feeling more detached today than the indifference which sat on me for four days. Got back thinking about how dangerous apathy is. There is no love in apathy. True I was not feeling it, but I know its in me, even if a bit blurry right now.

Had to re-think. A WW moves back and forth due to the intense sense of guilt swinging into self-justification. It has nothing to do with me and everything to do with WW. WW has said she still loves me more times than I can count, but just as Sandi points out that a WW's idea of friends is different, so is their idea of love - because a WW does not know how to love. My W knew how, but my W is gone right now. Everything my WW does right now is about her anger over her past and how she has carried an anger so long and so deep into her life.

The hard part has been identifying what is in me, which made me what to reach out, to respond, to hold onto. To begin to repair those things and trigger new growth of the self within. I can do nothing for my WW... I can only do for myself. This journey for me is about wellness and healing. It is easy to be LBS and believe that the WW is the one with all of the healing to do in order to be right again. True, the WW has a lot of healing to do. But I have had to go through plenty myself.

A year and a half ago I tore three of my ribs out of the cartilage on my back. I have never felt pain so horrible in all of my life and my tolerance is pretty high for pain. I screamed uncontrollably for almost 30 minutes - was not a choice. When I was finally able to get to a doctor, he said the intense pain would subside in a week or two, the occasional pain would last for a month, and that the overall injury would be about six months to heal, even then re-injury was possible in life. Then he said something I will never forget. "Be careful, you will feel better before you are better".

I think that's the world I am in now.