Nygal, I agree with annabel. The NC has to come from your W, not you. Or from both of you.
Coming just from you will show OW that you do not have W's support. And it will undermine how position even more if your W continues to contact OW in spite of you telling off OW.
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
Thanks anna.youre right that I shouldn't focus on ow. That focus has caused a rift between us. W refuses to tell her not to contact her.And she says she won't promise to tell me when ow does contact her because of my reaction. I get furious. I have to back off, tone it way down, and just focus on anything but ow. I feel like I've slid backwards and the thing that was so important - getting W back, has now become less important than protecting myself. But the protecting comes out as rage and a wall around my heart. It pushes W away. She no longer feels guilty or sympathetic. She is angry and I am looking and acting like the crazy person. Am I wrong to insist that she tell ow not to contact her? If ow continues to do so after W says don't, I can't blame W. But I do blame her for not being willing to say these simple things: I am not interested in a friendship with you. Don't contact me again.
Since she won't, I guess I just have to ... What?what do I do??
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
I think saying that to ow is a mistake nyg. If your wife isn't willing to do it then you two are not ready to move on with your relationship. Did you set up a transparency plan at the beginning of all this?
I will leave others give their views about approaching OW. I think you need to take your focus off of her. In reality she is only an issue because W let's it be an issue. You have asked her to NC OW. She has refused. Now what?. This in itself does not mean she is still wayward or that something is going on. It does show a lack of full commitment to your R as she is not willing to do so.
In the end you cannot force her. Shouting will not help. Instead I think that you need to go back to basics. FOCUS on YOU. Back the hell off W, pull right back, but not cold. Get on with your life. GAL.
Yes there is a chance/risk that the A restarts. Again out of your control. Have your boundaries in place and know what you will do if crossed. Knowing this will help not to react with anger.
You are in a tough position and it sukcs to be back there. I am sorry the path hasn't been smoother.
Reread your signature and live it. Best wishes
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
Ny, I see you seem to have OW lingering around... I want to let you know how I crossed that bridge with my XF on Saturday. Me and XF had a long conversation last Tuesday. At the end of that it was mentioned that we would continue on Saturday so we both had time to digest all that was said. During Saturday's convo, I really liked what I heard. We talked for hours and everything seemed to be genuine and what I needed to hear to give her a chance at this. When we were about done, I asked her if she had her phone. She said it was in the car. I asked her to go get it. When she came back, I said now I want you to call him, I want you to explain what is going on and that he is to not ever contact you again. She told me that was already taken care of on Wednesday and I shouldn't worry about it. I told her that if she means anything she just said, to make the call. I also said that if it's already been taken care of it wont be a big deal for him to hear it again while I'm sitting right here. So she dialed. No answer. She called again and this time he picked up. It was a short convo, but not only did it tell him where he stands, it gave me piece of mind because the way it happened, I could tell he already knew what she was telling him again. I'm not saying this was the right way to go about it but a friend suggested it and I loved the idea.
Me 34, XF 27 Many years together Son 4 Engaged Not engaged Many false starts by XF 7/16 new girlfriend comes into my life 2/17 girlfriend moves in my home
Thanks anna.youre right that I shouldn't focus on ow. That focus has caused a rift between us. W refuses to tell her not to contact her.And she says she won't promise to tell me when ow does contact her because of my reaction. I get furious. I have to back off, tone it way down, and just focus on anything but ow. I feel like I've slid backwards and the thing that was so important - getting W back, has now become less important than protecting myself. But the protecting comes out as rage and a wall around my heart. It pushes W away. She no longer feels guilty or sympathetic. She is angry and I am looking and acting like the crazy person. Am I wrong to insist that she tell ow not to contact her? If ow continues to do so after W says don't, I can't blame W. But I do blame her for not being willing to say these simple things: I am not interested in a friendship with you. Don't contact me again.
Since she won't, I guess I just have to ... What?what do I do??
See how it goes in MC. You don't have to do anything today. Let the C explain to W why this makes you upset.
WH used the same circular argument to me. Lying to avoid a reaction. Blaming his actions on something I did/said *afterwards*. It's interesting to see that educated people who have probably had a course in logic are equally irrational.
Of course you get upset! She traumatized you, kicked you out of your home, lied and cheated and she's upset about you getting upset? Talk about blaming the victim!
Imagine this: WW drove drunk. She hit someone. You find out she's been driving drunk again. She says she didn't tell you because of your reaction when you found out. Umm...
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
Update: w still has ow blocked on her phone (although she can unblock her at anytime then re-block I guess) and seems to think that not responding to her last email about retiring to Paris (oh puhleeeze) is sending the message that she doesn't want to hear from her. She is not interested in telling her not to contact her. I think that's the best I can do.
Last week I did a nice GAL activity and met some friends from my divorce group. W wondered why i wasn't home yet after a couple of hours. I think it was good for her to see that I too have a life. I'm going to see some of them again this Friday.
Uphill, I'm glad to hear things are looking up for you!
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
