10 Years Later - From a DB'er

[Maybell]

You said "People are people; no one is of a higher or lower standard than anyone else." I could not disagree more. Michael Jordon is at a higher standard than a high school ball player. Frank Sinatra is a higher standard than Weird Al when it comes to vocals. I'm at a higher standard than the person who refuses to get a job, support himself, take care of his kids, etc.

Don't misunderstand me: I'm not suggesting you would be appropriately paired with a junkie or a deadbeat. But if you think you're after Michael Jordan or Frank Sinatra and anyone less accomplished than that is lowering your standards, then I suggest you are looking in the wrong places for your match. My Guy is wonderful in many ways, but he's nowhere near as professionally accomplished or as ambitious as Mr. Fantastic. Does that make him of a lower standard? Not to me. He's beautifully self-aware and willing to articulate his experiences. He's insightful and supportive. I *love* road-tripping with him -- he's fun, but not flashy, as Mr. Fantastic was. Am I lowering my standards? No way. I'm de-emphasizing the highly visible in favor of qualities that take time to discover. I've been fortunate to discover that by holding on to the meaningful things I mentioned in an earlier post, and letting go of most of the rest (except height; but even that was more negotiable than I thought, lol) I became open to finding someone who wouldn't have made the cut years before. My Guy and I recently laughed about that -- he wouldn't have dated me in years past either, we both had to change what we thought was important to us in order to find a person who feels really right.

You say you don't initiate, but do you respond? What happened with the latest women is we went out 9 weeks ago now - nine flipping weeks. At the end of the date I asked her out again and she said without hesitation "absolutely" yet we've not gone out. Am I wrong in thinking she's saying one thing and doing the other? She wont' return a phone call. Returns 50% of texts unless I stop reaching out then she contact me and pursues saying she's just been busy - almost like a temp check?

I think ghosting is a terrible development in the world of dating since the 1990's. I did accidentally ghost once, because I got the text when I was on a long date with someone else and I didn't think it would be appropriate to answer while I was out with Guy B. By the end of the date I knew I was going to terminate Guy A but it took me a couple of days to find the right words, because I wanted to be kind and clear. Didn't mean to leave the guy hanging, but I did.

That said, I would encourage you to BELIEVE THE NEGATIVES. When people show you who they are, believe them. These women are ghosting you and they know they're doing it. Definitely. Don't go back to that well a second or third time! Move on. Is that really someone you want a relationship with? No! They're already proving they're unreliable and uninvested. Maybe that's not who they want to be, but at the moment at least, that's who they are. As for why the messages are being passed through friends, etc.? Why worry about it? You're not in seventh grade. Hear it and release it. These women are not relationship material for you. It's OK for that to be so. Don't waste time untangling the skein of crazy. You want better for yourself, don't accept that kind of treatment.

SON IS HER LIFE - I totally agree and would never expect to take that place. The thing is, she appears to be leaving zero room for anyone else. He's number one to the exclusion of everyone else, including from what I have gathered his sister. Again, am I looking at this wrong? By all means put the son first but since I asked and she accepted am I expecting too much in expecting her to response saying "these are the nights I have open, does any work for you?" (this list of potential dates I already gave her - two weeks worth - went unanswered)

See above. Additionally, who cares if she's overly involved with him? Not your circus. She's not relationship material.

I was fearing I was not being outgoing and straight forward enough - lay your cards on the table and let her know you are interested. So I do that with poor results so then I'm told "leave a little mystery, let her chase you a bit, don't tell her so quickly, three texts or calls without a response and you stop" So I try that and like I said now you guys are saying different. None of these seem to work - that's the frustration.

WHAT I"M EXPECTING - At the end of it all what I am expecting from all of these women is honesty and follow through - whatever that is. Don't tell me you are not interested and then pursue me. Don't tell me you are interested and then fail to follow-through with a date. Don't tell me one thing and then do another including the opposite. Am I wrong in that? Is this unreasonable?

Look at that -- you've laid out what you want. Honesty and follow-through. It happens you haven't found it yet. That doesn't mean YOU are the problem. My Guy says it took him years to find what he wanted -- because I wasn't ready for him yet. (Isn't he awesome??? ;)) Behave in a way that is generous, that puts what you offer and what qualities you value ahead of the superficial stuff, and believe people when they show you who they are. You'll save yourself a lot of time and crazy. It may not take any less time but you will be a better catch, and when you find the right person you'll be quicker to recognize and appreciate her.

Did I miss anything?

Go be awesome.