SH has some good idea on healthy detachment there!
i am sorry that the term Codependent is overused around here. maybe i can be more succinct.
I genuinely believe there is healthy dependence / healthy attachment in a marriage that will last. what does that look like, It will be different for different couples.
as long as you are giving of yourself to the marriage or R and thay does not have a cost to your ethics, morals, worth or health that i think you are fine...AND...it goes for them too.
if there is a need to take care of someone, to satisfy you worth, that is not healthy. if there is a need to have someone by your side because you can't be alone, that is not healthy. when you continuously try to fix a person or make them want to be a better person...that is not healthy. subversive controllers and fixers riddle this board as well as many others. it is not healthy behavior.
as for the relationships I speak of. yes ive seen it in the real world and on other boards i post to. getting into multiple abusive relationships or those of alcoholic / drug using parners, onr after another, is well documented. matbe it is our deep need to help others that blinds us to the cost to ourselves. idk.
that is where working towards being whole and being able to detach from a situation are key.
please do not misunderstand my original post. I don't feel strongly about the dating or marriage thing as long as you are ready. you have clearly thought about this and are not going in with blinders on. I am so very glad for this. I realize how difficult this is and you may think that we are jumping on you for your choices.
i just warn caution as there are many people that will be affected, not just you and her. moving forward is fine...moving forward too fast we miss things that in retrospect could have been recognized.
