The Fight for Self

[ForGump]

You said this over in Natus's thread, but I'm replying here so as to not hijack Natus's thread.

So what I meant was that my actions w/ my WW today are my choice - not hers. Right now I choose to attempt DB process w/ WW b/c I believe what her and I could have in the future is worth it. I also understand that this choice I am making is allowing me time to improve myself in ways I never realized I would get to, but always wanted to. Ways that got me off chemical abuse, ways that helped me address a learning disability I never knew I had, ways that are helping me mature as a man and as a father.

When I first got here I asked cadet directly if at 8 months since the A began and 6 months since S, was I too late in coming here to be helped. Cadet responded, "I think it is too late when they put you in a box and pile dirt on you. Until then you have a chance." Those are profound words and I believe them. But they are not to be mistaken - its all our choice to live in every moment and learn.

I have moments where I lose the feelings/considerations for my WW, but I am aware that pieces of me will always be in love with the girl I knew as a teenager, the young woman I dated and lost in her 20's, the woman in her 30's whom I married and had a beautiful son with. Hell man, even the woman in her 40's who flipped sht and left me. If I feel a switch inside me that says I need affection and to be loved, even if that means the arms of another woman, I will make that a conscious choice and I will know when it happens inside me, but rest assured I will make that for me and not b/c I for lack for feeling or consideration about my WW; I'm not sure that I will ever be w/out those two things. My choice will be because I found myself, I am healthy, I know what I want in life, and my decisions came from there, inside me and not because I was distracted, because I was awake. If that is what I choose that is; it is only but one possible future.

This gives me a lot of fodder to think about. I like and respect the idea of being in tune with your feelings about WW and making a conscious choice to see other women.