The Fight for Self

[CT1118]

Morning began by taking S4 to school. He's been having issues w/ fighting and selfishness; not sure that is far off from a 4 year old only child who parents aren't S. Did my best to ask him to be a good boy and tell him not to fight before I left.

Began driving to IC and WW called at 745 or so. I should have not answered, she had not made a very early call in a while, but I did. "How was S4 last night?". I realized immediately it was a pulse check and I had just backslid - one thing when I intentionally accept a call for an actual reason and I have a plan, but that was not there on this one; I just answered out of a habit I thought I was putting behind me. I did pretty good at getting of the line as quick as I could though. As long as I recognize my slip I suppose.

Good day at IC. I brought up the way I felt Saturday, about not wanting to see or hear from WW. I brought up what an a-hole WW acted like on Sunday and how I realized I did not have to hear that anymore. Told her about how I felt like I had hit a point where I have been living for me, improving me, and that felt pretty good. Told IC that it was strange to think about my WW and feel nothing or the opposite, to feel rejection of her in me. IC said this is what the detachment process does to some people and that feelings would come and go. It was not falling out of love, just a protection measure.

We spoke about a job offer I got, would take me out of state for 10K more money and with a much more reputable agency. Attractive. "I am not leaving my son and I am not going to pull him from his mother". I told her I trust my future self to know what to do in the future with such opportunities and that I currently trust my present self that I did the right thing with this one. Job was in the rust-belt anyway, and after 17 years on the southern coast, and despite where I grew up, I really hate the cold now.

Got to work a couple hours late as I always do on IC days, WW had blown up the email. Only replied to one which had S4's teacher linked. Ignored the others. Call came in at my lunch hour while I was at gym, rejected it. Text comes in about not answering emails. I hit my programed text reply everyone gets while I'm at gym..."I am in a meeting an cannot take your call. I will call you back as soon as I am able to." Did return call. Towards end of day WW calls again, I reject again, same message. One more time an hour later and this time I pick up. "Hey, how are you, did you see my emails?" ME - "I did see you emailed, but I am very busy". She asked me something about the way earlier teacher/school email - to be fair it was a legit question, but not that urgent. I answered it. There was nothing to validate in what she was saying, so I just stuck w/ rules 15-19. Got the "are you ok?" -yes, I am, I am great - "are you sure? - yes, great day, lots of work, been busy, need to get back to it, have a great day. Still feels strange right, doing that? Especially after I picked up a call this morning like it was habit. IC said, feelings come and go.

Put S4 to bed 2 hours ago. While sitting him on the sink and coaching him through how to brush his own teeth, he told me he loved me, but he just liked mommy better. I asked him "is that because when you are with daddy, there are rules to follow?" He just nodded. Put him to bed and I told him it was ok for him to like his mommy better, that he should not feel bad about that. Then I told him "I really love you son and I always look forward to my time with you. I hope you have a good time with mommy the next few days and I will think of you." He hugged me, kiss on the lips and gave an "I love you too daddy". I don;t feel any less because he is 4 and wants his mama.

Concludes my day in DB town. Will read a few more things here and check out.
Graduate school fall semester starts again in two weeks. Will consume a whole lot of my time. Sounds good. One year left till degree.