Keeps getting worse, 180 not working

[Buxom]

JRuss, thanks for the input and support. I see from reading other threads that detaching takes lots of time and there seems to be an ebb and flow to the process. I take comfort in that we all slip. And we all vacillate, so we rollercoaster just like the WS. I think we all do the best we can and make choices that can be confusing. I know I'm still confused each day. Today is no exception.

Journaling...
Last night he opened up a bit by saying he wanted to show me parts of his world and asked if I would like to know. He said it's nothing bad just things he thinks about and some of it has to do with sex. I listened and validated. It's been almost two months since we ML and I voiced that our methods were getting too routine to both of us and he agreed. There also has been way less sex over this past year due to the cancer treatments. I think I copped out and relied on his understanding. I think we only did it 5-6 times in the last 12 months. Yikes.
Anyway, I told him I welcomed whatever sharing he would like to do. He said not now as it was 11 pm. I agreed and said I hope he can continue to share when it feels safe to do so. He said he did!

I think this is where I am vulnerable. To have some good sharing and some relational movement, and I have to be careful not to back slide from my hard earned changes. Anyway, after our brief talk, (yay me for keeping it short), he asked for a cuddle and we ended up ML. I was a bit apprehensive at first but it was gentle and comfortable. Although we both made choices, it did kind of catch us off guard emotionally. He was the pursuer. I liked feeling close and did not feel bad when he left to go to his room. Before he left he kissed me and said ILY. When I did not respond right away, cos I was not sure what I really heard, I looked me in the eye and said it again a bit louder. I said ILY too. He smiled, said good night and left.
I'm anxious today much like Blu spoke of in her recent posts. You get what you want and it can still bring negative emotions. I hope I summed up her words ok. Now let's see if he backs off tonight. His first day back to work from holidays.

Man! I want to ask him so many questions! I know he lies and I can't trust what he says. So I don't ask and I let go of that need to know for the umpteenth time this week. I take my lead from him when he's here. Leave him alone and let him come to me or start convo. He did say yesterday that he didn't want to hurt me and he knows I'd like more time with him and wanted to assure me that it isn't that he doesn't want to spend time with, cos he does, and he made a good attempt to connect when he got home. I really had to check myself to not be the crabby wife he came home to after being out a few hours. He did check in with me by phone which I detailed in a previous post yesterday. Lots of little improvements yet I'm not trusting it. I try to enjoy for what it is and we have a few laughed a day so that feels good. I need to continue to get out of my head and developing problems or rehashing them.
Any feedback welcomed!!!