Maybs - Pt2

[cheesyt]

maybs! glad you're killing it in your GAL activities!
I think it'll get easier (for all 3 of us) as time goes by. We have to remember that for every "bad" day we have, we're bound to have some good days!

I did the lawn work, along with most of the house work. (but I did it cus I like to) haha remember the grass temp checks? those have officially stopped.

Great job GALing even when it feels weird or wrong. I'm with you, we gotta keep at it, I know once we're out there we have a good time and you know what? eventually we wont have to talk ourselves into doing things because we will just know "I know I'm going to have a good time so I'm just going to do it".

[maybs]

thanks!

I agree it does get easier with time. I think this weekend was especially hard for me just because of the vacation situation. Last night after failing at yard work I went over to a friends to help her pack. We ended up ordering pizza and watching lifetime movies, also took a "short" walk which ended up being like 6 miles. We are both in similar situations and she also happens to the be the friend that W works with so I know that puts her in an awkward position but she's so supportive of me and even when I know I'm acting crazy she doesn't judge lol.

We had a good complain session about both of our situations, I feel like sometimes I just need to b**ch about it and get it out and then it's much easier to move on with my day.

Sometimes it is hard because I don't want to put my friend in the middle of all of this and try really hard not to so I don't ask for details when she talks to W, but she does normally tell me everything.

I went through FB and blocked a whole bunch of W friends because I know that they were spying on me. Just based on some of the things that my friend told me from the conversations she's had with my W, like details my W wouldn't have known if someone hadn't been snooping on me. I also found out that when I'm not home W stops at the house and snoops a little, I kind of figured she did because sometimes things are in completely different spots than where I leave them. I used to feel like it was a violation of privacy (which it 100% is) but it also makes me laugh a little because who puts that much effort into snooping on someone!

It also felt good to get out some of my feelings about the OW. My friend actually ran into her with my W at work one day (OW doesn't even work there or in this town?) Anyways, I feel like I should be more upset about it than I am. Like I see pictures of her and I just start laughing, and as my friend easily pointed out she's the "typical" MLC affair partner; much younger, insecure, easy to control/manipulate. Seriously, just thinking about it right now I'm about to start laughing, it's so textbook that it feels ridiculous.

I feel much more detached today than I have the last couple of days. I feel not like "I don't care" but it just doesn't bug me. Talking with my friend last night about everything really helped me work it out in my head. It helps to have someone who gets it. She understands, because her situation is so similar, that when W asks her about me to keep it short and mysterious and not let on too much about my life and to keep it very positive. It's nice to have someone who is friends with both of us but is 100% of my side. In a way it's like I have someone to help me DB my W, especially helpful when I feel like my mind is just spinning and I just need to vent about something to make it stop.

I'm getting better and better at detaching, I've stopped wondering if/when W will notice changes and realized I don't care if she ever does. These things are for me, to make me feel better. I've also gotten less afraid of "making her mad" about certain things. I'm sick of her cake eating, no she cannot be dating someone else and expect me to continue to do things for her and I don't care if she's mad about it. She needs a wake up call, if this D goes through I'm not going to be doing these things either.

Like I said before, I'm not taking the conversation last week with my friend as anything overly hopeful. At most, it was a small, small baby step forward and slight evidence that staying dark and doing my GAL activities and 180s and such are working so I will stay the course. I actually didn't remember how fun it was to only be responsible for myself, I can basically do what I want, whenever I want and I don't have to worry about conflicting with anyone else's schedule or plans.

Anyways, sorry for the rant, like I said it's just nice to get everything off my chest once in a while. I literally feel like a lighter person.

Also random thought, I read on someone else's thread that the more they focus on detaching the harder it is to detach and that statement is so true. All weekend I tried so hard to detach and just couldn't and then last night when I stopped trying to detach and just let myself feel everything and get it out it was like a switch flipped and I easily let go of the situation....

[hawker]

Good job of GAL Maybs...I haven't thought about detaching either instead of thinking so much about it and it has helped....it seems to get better everyday so that is good. It probably has helped going back to school (work) so I don't sit around and think all day..:)

Hang in there!!

[maybs]

One day at a time Hawker! It's good you have work to distract yourself during the day a bit!


Just as something random to put out there I still cannot get the F-ing lawn mower to work and quite frankly I have better things to do than to go get it fixed or get a new one so tomorrow I'm going to call around and find someone to mow the lawn for me.. I just have no patience for yard work. lol
Plus all this attempted yard work is really interrupting my GAL activities that I really enjoy!

[cheesyt]

great post maybs.

slightly confused, what's detaching consist of to you, if you haven't even talked to her in 3 weeks or seen her?

just curious, I'm not focused on detaching, I've read a few threads on it. Must re-read, I feel like I forgot.

[hawker]

Haha maybs, I'm sure there is a repair person that could fix it but in for the time being I guess you can hire someone...it is theraputic though...hahah..can't interrupt those GAL activities!!!

[maybs]

For me not seeing or speaking to her is being "dark".

Detaching is something I could do even if we did see each other for me it's a bunch of different things:

-not letting her emotions/mood influence my mood - Ex: if she's angry and yelling/blaming me for things it's remaining calm and validating her feelings but not losing my cool.

-not wondering or caring what she's doing - Ex: when her A first started I was always checking the phone accounts and FB and whatever else and now I just don't even care to look.

-not wondering if/when she will notice my changes - understanding that the changes I'm making are for me to help me become a better person regardless of what she does/does not notice.

-not worrying about make her upset/angry with me - kind of goes with the first one - her mood doesn't influence me and doesn't control me. I'm not going to let her cake eat just because I'm afraid of "making things worse"

-understanding that things will get worse before there's a chance of them getting better and that it may never get better for us and that's okay.

-accepting my W for who/what she is. That doesn't mean I agree with all of her choices, it just means I accept that I can't change her, I can't make her do/feel anything. Also, I can't make her "see" what's going on. I can't tell her "hey you're having a MLC" and that's okay, she just needs to figure it out on her own.

For me it's more of a mindset that I'm doing this for me if it benefits our relationship cool, if not that's fine too and REALLY ACCEPTING that. It's one thing to say it but it's another thing to EMBRACE it.

My W doesn't have any influence over me or my attitude or my day. I wake up a live life for me and am GAL for me and am working on things for me.

Now obviously there are times when I suck at this, like over this past weekend. I wondered and worried and drove myself crazy over what she was doing and "did she miss me" and everything else. But, I got back on track and am back to focusing on me.

I don't know if that makes any sense.

[lfm]

Great post maybs. I think this captures well what many of us struggle with on a day to day basis. I know I still have plenty of work to do detaching and being "dark" but find it difficult with just moving into a new house that we're still trying to find places for things and with 5 kids coming and going all day it makes it difficult to really detach, but working on it.

Thanks for your post!

[maybs]

Guys.... I think W just temp checked me?

And it's so confusing... she basically told me our one dog she took with her is sick and asked me about money in our joint account (which I don't even use) and said something about how she can start paying the bills but she needs to know the information and online accounts and what the bills are and she said she understands it's her fault that she doesn't know how to handle her bills.....

I'm at a complete loss. I don't want to give her a way out of her guilt by saying "oh it's no problem, I can send you a list" because it is a problem and why didn't she think of this before?

So I'm not even sure how to respond.

[hawker]

Wow. I think you are getting a temp check. But I will let the vets chime in since I am not good at this at all. Lol