Maybs - Pt2

[maybs]

thanks!

I agree it does get easier with time. I think this weekend was especially hard for me just because of the vacation situation. Last night after failing at yard work I went over to a friends to help her pack. We ended up ordering pizza and watching lifetime movies, also took a "short" walk which ended up being like 6 miles. We are both in similar situations and she also happens to the be the friend that W works with so I know that puts her in an awkward position but she's so supportive of me and even when I know I'm acting crazy she doesn't judge lol.

We had a good complain session about both of our situations, I feel like sometimes I just need to b**ch about it and get it out and then it's much easier to move on with my day.

Sometimes it is hard because I don't want to put my friend in the middle of all of this and try really hard not to so I don't ask for details when she talks to W, but she does normally tell me everything.

I went through FB and blocked a whole bunch of W friends because I know that they were spying on me. Just based on some of the things that my friend told me from the conversations she's had with my W, like details my W wouldn't have known if someone hadn't been snooping on me. I also found out that when I'm not home W stops at the house and snoops a little, I kind of figured she did because sometimes things are in completely different spots than where I leave them. I used to feel like it was a violation of privacy (which it 100% is) but it also makes me laugh a little because who puts that much effort into snooping on someone!

It also felt good to get out some of my feelings about the OW. My friend actually ran into her with my W at work one day (OW doesn't even work there or in this town?) Anyways, I feel like I should be more upset about it than I am. Like I see pictures of her and I just start laughing, and as my friend easily pointed out she's the "typical" MLC affair partner; much younger, insecure, easy to control/manipulate. Seriously, just thinking about it right now I'm about to start laughing, it's so textbook that it feels ridiculous.

I feel much more detached today than I have the last couple of days. I feel not like "I don't care" but it just doesn't bug me. Talking with my friend last night about everything really helped me work it out in my head. It helps to have someone who gets it. She understands, because her situation is so similar, that when W asks her about me to keep it short and mysterious and not let on too much about my life and to keep it very positive. It's nice to have someone who is friends with both of us but is 100% of my side. In a way it's like I have someone to help me DB my W, especially helpful when I feel like my mind is just spinning and I just need to vent about something to make it stop.

I'm getting better and better at detaching, I've stopped wondering if/when W will notice changes and realized I don't care if she ever does. These things are for me, to make me feel better. I've also gotten less afraid of "making her mad" about certain things. I'm sick of her cake eating, no she cannot be dating someone else and expect me to continue to do things for her and I don't care if she's mad about it. She needs a wake up call, if this D goes through I'm not going to be doing these things either.

Like I said before, I'm not taking the conversation last week with my friend as anything overly hopeful. At most, it was a small, small baby step forward and slight evidence that staying dark and doing my GAL activities and 180s and such are working so I will stay the course. I actually didn't remember how fun it was to only be responsible for myself, I can basically do what I want, whenever I want and I don't have to worry about conflicting with anyone else's schedule or plans.

Anyways, sorry for the rant, like I said it's just nice to get everything off my chest once in a while. I literally feel like a lighter person.

Also random thought, I read on someone else's thread that the more they focus on detaching the harder it is to detach and that statement is so true. All weekend I tried so hard to detach and just couldn't and then last night when I stopped trying to detach and just let myself feel everything and get it out it was like a switch flipped and I easily let go of the situation....