Lost at the moment (2)

[Rose888]

I wouldn't set a boundary that will be difficult to enforce. I know that never works out for me in parenting, and I can't imagine it going any better with another adult.

[lfm]

Thanks Rose. I appreciate the feedback on the boundaries.

For the group, there was one change over the weekend, I had a discussion with my wife regarding having a discussion with the kids about our marriage difficulties and she stated she is not ready to do that, which is a backtrack from prior conversations she's had on the subject. I don't want to have the conversation without here, so am putting that on hold for the moment.

A bit of mind reading here, but she's also been making comments about a future together with us. She has not done this for some time, so I think getting into the house, and realizing she could have to give it up is having some impact on her. Again a bit of mind reading on my part there, but it's interesting to see.

In addition, this is probably just be cake eating on her part, but I told her that I had a conversation with a Divorce Attorney, and ran through the highlights of what she would need to know and be aware of. She in turn asked my to be patient a little bit longer as she's still trying to figure some things out...

I also had a really emotional day on Saturday, felt very down and sad, and realized that despite feeling that divorce is my only recourse at this point, that a D is not what I want. So I'm backing off of that for the time being, and continuing to work on me. As others have mentioned, there is no time limit or expiration date on this. Big picture, I've know about the A for a tad under 5 months, which is a pretty short time frame. I can be patient a bit longer and continue to work on myself, which needs to be done anyway.

Thanks all for the continued support and have a great week!

[lfm]

So interesting development. WW tells me last night that she and the OM have agreed that they can't proceed with the A and that if they are going to have a relationship, they need to do it right.

I asked her when she plans on filing for D, to which she responded I'm not planning on filing, she's loosing her feelings for the OM and wants to figure us out.

Normally I would think this is a good step in the right direction, however she's told me in the past that they were done and the A gets back on track a couple of days later. It doesn't help that she got out of bed and grabbed her phone took that with her and didn't come back to bed for a couple of hours.

Just journaling here more than anything and providing an update for the group. Hope everone wraps up the week well and happy Thursday!

[Zephyr]

lfm, glad you recognize this could just be part of her bull crap cycling with a fledgling relationship with her affair partner. consistent actions from her working toward trust and openness, because her word means nothing right now.

just stay on your path, living for you and your kids. there is so much that your wife will need to do to regain your trust, do not allow her little manipulative hiccups to sway you.

[lfm]

Thanks Zephyr! I'm definitely of the mindset right now that I don't want to stay in the R with my W without some significant changes being made on her part, which I am seeing some elements of.

While she is still in contact with OM, which won't go away anytimne soon as they work at the same place, she has cut back significantly on texting and phone calls. She has also been very open about any contact that they have had (of course taking her word for it for the time being, trying not to snoop as I can access the backup files from her phone including text messages). But that being said, for a couple of days at least it seems to be a bit of progress in the right direction.

There is still a very long ways to go if we are going to move forward as I want to be with someone who genuinely wants to be with me. At the current time, I know that's not my W. We'll see how the next couple of weeks go.

Have a great weekend everyone!

[sandi2]

While she is still in contact with OM, which won't go away anytimne soon as they work at the same place, she has cut back significantly on texting and phone calls. She has also been very open about any contact that they have had (of course taking her word for it for the time being, trying not to snoop as I can access the backup files from her phone including text messages). But that being said, for a couple of days at least it seems to be a bit of progress in the right direction.

By cutting back on her phone activity, do you mean to the OM?

You know, don't you, that ending her A doesn't stand a chance as long as she is working with him. No matter how open she seems to be about all the contact.......it just won't work. Coconut's situation proved that point. He watched his W's activity carefully, and she "appeared" to be working at reconciling........but she did not leave the place that brought her and OM together. The two AP's cannot continue staying at the same site, or see each other's picture, cars, or anything.

I think the H is fighting a losing battle as long as he tries to convince himself that a little progress has been made here & there, and at the same time knows contact between the AP's is still being made.

So interesting development. WW tells me last night that she and the OM have agreed that they can't proceed with the A and that if they are going to have a relationship, they need to do it right.

I asked her when she plans on filing for D, to which she responded I'm not planning on filing, she's loosing her feelings for the OM and wants to figure us out.

Gee, what arrogance! That was her throwing bread crumbs in your face. The very idea that she just assumed you would want left-overs from her A.............and yet, that is the mindset of a WW. I had the same mindset, and thought if things didn't work out between me and my OM, I would simply return home where my H would be waiting with open arms. Well guess what? He informed me that if I ever left.....there would be no coming back.......and, there would be no buddy-buddy system (remaining friends). Man, that hit me like a ton of bricks!

[lfm]

Agree with everything you've said Sandi. I am not optimistic about the future between WW and I, and to make matters worse, my W just accepted a full time job where they work, changing from part time. Now instead of working with him one day a week, she'll be there with him 5 days a week, so I'm expecting at some point to see her behavior change again/revert back or to get a second bomb drop.

At this point I'm playing it cool as I need to get my affairs in order before really feeling I'm ready to file for D. I've realized that while I want to keep my family together and utlimately reconcile with my WW, that it simply nothing more than a want. It's not a need, I know from the past several months that I'll be just fine without her if it comes to that, and that maybe somewhere down the road, I can find someone who truly, 100% wants to commit and be with me.

That's most likely a ways down the road though and right now I am just doing my best to continue working on me. I've talked to my W about resolution meaning no contact with OM and that she ultimately needs to delete and block his number. I don't think she is ever going to be ready for that. I've also told her that despite their "agreement", he is always going to be waiting in the wings for her to call him because things aren't good and will try to sweep in and save the day.

Up until this supposed "agreement" he's had the perfect relationship, he gets intimacy and companionship without any of the responsbility of a real relationship.

Anyway... I digress. It'll be interesting to see how this plays out over the next few weeks...

[lfm]

Well, that was short lived. I thought she might actually hold true to what she said this time as she showed more remorse than she has in the past, but last night she grabbed her phone around 10:40 and went into the other room. I walked by her a couple of times as we were having a sleepover for our daughters. My W hadn't come back to bed at midnight, so I took her a pillow and a blanket and told her she needed to sleep out there last night.

She did, and this morning I walked into the kitchen to get some coffee and my W was awake and was already texting. I walked back into the bedroom, waited a little bit, but then decided to go for a run, I walked out to tell her this and mentioned that we need to have the discussion with the kids about our situation she keeps asking me to put off and that she needs to think about finding a divorce attorney.

Of course she was not happy when I returned home from the run and we had a decent discussion about things, but as the day has gone on I know that I cannot continue with the situation the way things are. She is totally playing me and I need to start the process to file for D.

During the discussion she made it sound like she was trying to break things off slowly because she still works with OM, but I see it as more cake eating and trying to play me so I stay around as her plan B, but am not falling for that anymore.

Add to that that she normally should be home from work by now, but of course is not. Either she is calling the OM, or she's on her way to see him. Normally she lets me know if she's going to be late (even during the A) and has not now, which tells me she is further gone than I thought.

Hope everyone else has had a better weekend than I have in terms of what has happened with their wayward or walkaway spouses. Gonna try and get some rest tonight, as it's going to be a long week.

[sandi2]

She's addicted. She cannot slowly cut back from the OM. She can't find closure to an A. She needs to kill it graveyard dead!

Learning how affairs are addictive, was one of the most important factors that guided me in the right direction.

Your W may have emotional times where she regrets hurting you. She and OM may have a lag in their A. However, it's the power of the addiction that pulls her back into it. That is why I believe once a WW comes clean and truly wants to end the A and save her M, she needs to understand what she's up against. She needs a plan and a source of encouragement and someone she can turn to when she is experiencing those weak moments of strong cravings to contact OM. I don't believe she can work around her source of addiction every day and not continue her A.

Affairs are so addictive that if OM were to dump her, there is a chance she would search for OM#2.

Don't let her pull you into her drama of always pulling away from OM, or them having a spat, or whatever the daily special may be at the time.

FWIW, I have not searched for OM #2. I know how I got into that situation and I make sure I never get anywhere near that door again. When you have an addiction, you have to be proactive in getting clean (so to speak) and avoiding the avenues that led you there. No longer do I say that I would NEVER do such a thing b/c I'm not that type of person.

[lfm]

Thanks Sandi.

Problem in my case is that since I found out about the affair, she has been very open and transparent about most of it (maybe more than she should be). While she has expressed remorse at times, she has never really indicated that she wants to end the A. Sounds like the OM is the one pushing for this agreement that if they are going to proceed they need to do it right.

The one good thing that seems to be happening with the current situation is that he continues to pursue her even though he is the one that said they shouldn't proceed the way things are. She has indicated that this is pushing her away from him. However, I know she is deep, deep, deep in the addiction at this point and it's going to take a lot to get her to admit that she needs to stop the A.

I'm doing my best to try not to get pulled into the drama of the day, but it's difficult. She seems to be very good at dropping breadcrumbs at the moments that I'm ready to completely walk and be done, and foolishly I allow myself to get sucked back in. I need to continue to work on this, as it's only causing me unecessary pain.

I think I mentioned earlier in this thread that it's funny how we think we're dettaching and dropping the rope, but then something happens that [censored] us back in and we realize that we weren't as far down that path as we thought.

At this point, I'm continuing to dettach, trying to get everything in order to file for D. I am still conflicted on wether that's what I want or not, so need to spend some more time thinking about that while I'm out for a run or working in the yard.

Anyway - Happy Monday all and have a great week!