She's addicted. She cannot slowly cut back from the OM. She can't find closure to an A. She needs to kill it graveyard dead!
Learning how affairs are addictive, was one of the most important factors that guided me in the right direction.
Your W may have emotional times where she regrets hurting you. She and OM may have a lag in their A. However, it's the power of the addiction that pulls her back into it. That is why I believe once a WW comes clean and truly wants to end the A and save her M, she needs to understand what she's up against. She needs a plan and a source of encouragement and someone she can turn to when she is experiencing those weak moments of strong cravings to contact OM. I don't believe she can work around her source of addiction every day and not continue her A.
Affairs are so addictive that if OM were to dump her, there is a chance she would search for OM#2.
Don't let her pull you into her drama of always pulling away from OM, or them having a spat, or whatever the daily special may be at the time.
FWIW, I have not searched for OM #2. I know how I got into that situation and I make sure I never get anywhere near that door again. When you have an addiction, you have to be proactive in getting clean (so to speak) and avoiding the avenues that led you there. No longer do I say that I would NEVER do such a thing b/c I'm not that type of person.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
