WAS or what 7

[roist]

I haven't been journaling much lately for many reasons. Mainly I don't have a lot of time and because I feel I am searching for something that can only be found within me.

As of late, I have let myself slip in many ways. There are many reasons/excuses for that but I accept that it is on me. By slipping I mean less GAL,less planning, less moving forward. With summer being pretty busy and kids staying up later etc etc I choose family time over other stuff.

Family activities have been good. But they highlight to me how much this is not how I want to live. I want more. Does that mean separation? I think thati have placed many blockers/restrictions on myself. I am going to work towards removing them and maximise my life within the constraints of living in a loveless M. I have done a lot and made some progress in the past but it is not enough for me.

I have been overtired the last week or so and when tired I think less positively.I know this, so I will see how I feel when I get passed this tiredness. This is also why I am taking the time to journal. To clear my head.

More and more consistently I just don't want to be around my W. I want to get out of the house, out of the bed. Looking objectively at this I know most of my issues are my own. Yes maybe due to my situation or to W but my reactions and thoughts are my own and I am responsible for them. I have allowed myself react with frustration to comments said while W frustrated.I should validate but I didn't.

I know I can support this situation. I am not sure that I want to. What I want to figure out is what I want to DO about it.

My current thinking that I will develop into an action plan is as follows:

1. Improve further my R with sons. At times my boys are headstrong kids and some interactions are not as I want. I have studied this and have idea.BBut I have let my W have too much control in the parenting department.This is logical as she wasn't working and now works school hours, so she is with them most of the time. I know I can be a better dad and could cope on my own.

Whether self imposed or not, I want to change my supporting role to a leading role. I have eased towards that but have noticed W is not ready to give up her "control". This is my interpretation.

I have planned stuff to do with kids, but often she wants to cone too. I don't understand why as that would give her a break from them and me. Anyway that didn't bother me, but maybe I need more alone time with them ( individually and together). If so I will let W know I want more time alone with them

2. Explore what I want in my GAL activities.Sport is one thing and I have integrated it somewhat,but I don't have the energy to do more St the moment. I will find a way to get more energy and set some objectives for next year. This is not putting it off. I want something big enough that it will take that long to prepare.

I am more hungry than ever to meet new people so I will explore that too.

I want to try new stuff. Maybe not take up a new hobby but do some new activities .

If W leaves I can easily picture me doing loads of stuff. Some cannot be done now due to time constraints and preference to spend time with sobs. But if that happens I am a little excited about prospects.I am questioning what more I can do now without separating too. I am not going to wait until things get better or worse for this.

3. I have lost my motivation for my business. It is no t exactly what I want to do. It will be hard to work for anyone else now, but it may be necessary to have the life I want.I have turned my business around and have enough work and assured money to meet our basic needs and then some. But to really earn well I need to put it first, work harder and longer. Whereas that does not frighten me, it is not my priority now.

I have time to decide this and want to choose something that will be interesting for me to do.

This could enable either of us to move on a separation.

4 shortly I will revisit previous action plans and goals and refresh and adjust in function of where I am now.

Thanks for reading this long long post..... again. I would just say that although I may come across as being near breaking point, this time I do not see it like that. When I had to weather the inappropriate friend and early on I was near breaking point. This feels calmer and more so as breaking through point. I could write more but I gotto go work.

Best wishes.