Albac broken but pushing forward

[CT1118]

Gump,

We are all here looking for whatever we can get to help us through what I believe is the worst time in most of our lives. I will be forever greatful for the advice and support I have received here from people I don't know, regardless of the outcome.

i truly believe that your feelings are correct I would rather lose my W forever then have her think of me as some kind of lost dog she can use as a best friend while seeing someone else. And I was stupid enough to basically allow that to happen up until now but it's time to take my life back and stop letting her use me.

I too feel totally gutted for my D knowing that she is so young and doesn't understand it now but will live her whole life without a normal family environment and to be honest it hurts me so much I have to block the feeling out as it just causes so much pain.

But one thing I know and it is undeniable I have and always will put my D first and give her everything I possibly can in this life and that is something to be proud of. I am sure you are the same man Gump, we would do anything to protect or kids.

Take care, stay strong

Amen!

Exception to one thing albac. You do not control your WW, you cannot understand her actions, you only control you; so in terms of the "normal family environment"...a father understanding that he must love and respect himself first before he is suitable to lead any other person through love will be the most noble, brave, and caring thing you could possibly give your D. What will become a normal family environment for her will be your strength, love, and life by example that she will always come to trust and rely upon. That's they way I am choosing to view my life with my son. This is what you already know is true.

PS, from above - don't tell your WW you find something is impossible for you. You're already confronting the impossible with the war inside you and you are slowly winning, so fk impossible. Sandi's letter was more succinct. And Sandi is correct, I took her advice a few weeks ago and have not done anything w/ WW and S4 as a "family" since I had my say. My family now is me, my S4, and this little black dog at my feet. I only see the WW when exchanging S4, I never make 1st contact, and I only reply over S4 issues w/exception of the few times I have mentioned and then I'm offering very little in return. Even desire for that feels to be fading. You get there man, you will feel better. You are strong.

[albac]

Thanks CT,

Always appreciate your perspective on things. I am not blind to what is going on and what I need to do I just need to work on the execution and making a better version of me. I need to not fear being alone and not fear pushing her away.

I wouldn't say I backslided today but it did not go according to plan. I went to pick up my D and wanted to talk about some boundaries but she got me.

She was being really nice to me and doing as she normally does and talking flat out about herself, I didn't give much back tried to validate and stay neutral but but grumpy or mean. Standard things about how her life is a mess and hard? Go figure. I stayed longer then I should have and we again talked as if we were still married and nothing was wrong. I didn't get to lay out my terms and I think I have to do it by text or phone as in a normal happy conversation I just couldn't do t but I can feel myself getting closer.

One thing though she invited me over for dinner at her house tomorrow and i just said no but thanks for asking. I see that as a step in the right direction and I will continue my NC unless it's about our D. To be honest it has only been about 1 week since I started pulling right back so it will take me some time but after I drop D back tomorrow I won't have to see or speak to her for at least 5 days and that will be close to the longest time. As I write this post she is sending me snapchats and they are obviously not my D because she is with me so I will ignore them.

I can see love in her eyes when we speak and I know she has feelings for me I can just feel it, I wish I didn't.

[ForGump]

Sounds like going dark is working for you ... keep it up ...

[CT1118]

I can see love in her eyes when we speak and I know she has feelings for me I can just feel it, I wish I didn't.

Believe me, I know EXACTLY what you are speaking to. Frustrating isn't it. Know its there, proceed w/ DBing. If you need comfort, think about it, but do not abandon your guns. At this point, all that knowledge can be is something shiny under the water at a depth you cannot possibly hold your breath long enough to dive down and retrieve.

[RSG]

I can see love in her eyes when we speak and I know she has feelings for me I can just feel it, I wish I didn't.

THIS part is very hard. I'd also like to encourage you like the others have. Keep on with what's working! Don't worry about when to tell her your terms, just keep up with what you're doing and see what she does! Keep the communication as is. As Coconut has told me, if there REALLY is an interest, they will keep at it.

[ForGump]

I swear I'm going to scratch a big bloody cut/scar on the top of my right hand just to remind myself constantly that even though there are sweet/familiar moments, my W has had/is having an EA/PA (don't know) and that she sees me as a neutered BFF. Reject, reject, reject that role!!!

[albac]

I appreciate the input,

I know we have all probably felt the same thing at some point. I even think she half controls the way she comes across to me as a way to influence what she wants me to do. Even when I said no to going to dinner at her house tonight she said something like "oh you are going to LEAVE me alone for dinner"

I didn't have time to control myself I didn't say anything or outburst but we just stared into each other's eyes for a good 5-10 seconds with no words. (My face would have looked less then impressed) despite me always trying to be happy.

Couldn't agree more Gump, every time she is nice or asks me to help her or do "family" things I need a big alarm yelling into my ear say she is with Someone else. That should be all I need to keep on point.

[sandi2]

I wouldn't say I backslided today but it did not go according to plan. I went to pick up my D and wanted to talk about some boundaries but she got me.

In your own words, how would you describe what boundaries are and how it works?

[albac]

Sandi,

I am by no stretch of the imagination an expert in DB. I have failed far more then I have succeeded with most of this. All I know is that as each day goes past I am getting less affected by my W and doing more for myself.

It may not even be classed as a boundary but I wanted to tell her that we can't be spending time as a family while she is dating other people because it will confuse our D. I don't want pity and I didn't want to drag it out I just need time away from her as much for my sanity as for her need to feel loss.

But I have since thought that maybe just sticking to NC as hard as I can she will come to me and want to talk which would be far more important then me laying down a rule that could get any number of different reactions.

She asked me over for dinner tonight when I picked my D up yesterday I said no but thank you. Then tonight when I dropped D off I tried to get do it polite but as fast as I could. W said "arnt you staying for dinner" like she totally ignored what I said yesterday. I again said no thank you and got out of there. She has sent one text since I dropped D off and it was just a asking what time D woke up from afternoon nap. Not important at all and she doesn't normally ask I think it was just another attempt to get contact I just sent back the time with nothing else.

Time will tell how this goes as I have absoloutely no need to speak to W for at least 4 days. Will take it one day at a time and see what happens.

[ForGump]

Good for you that you stuck to your DETACH!!

I wanted to tell her that we can't be spending time as a family while she is dating other people because it will confuse our D.

But this little part sounds like B.S. to me. Is this truly your motivation? If it sounds false to me, it can also sound false to your W.

For me, I think I can see my family doing things as a family. We can go together to our kids' birthday party together, or some school function together, etc. What I don't want to do is things that a loving couple does. Like exchange tons of non-kid-related snapchats.

Having dinner together falls into a bit of a grey area. It can be a family thing, I suppose. Much depends on the intent.

My two cents' worth...