Have you snooped and found out for sure that there isn't another person involved? There are some signs that you are taking about that an OM may be involved Not saying for certain, but see what you can find out At the beginning of my new sitch I was able to hack my wife's iPad Once i saw that there wasn't anything going on I really tried to control my snooping and now I've got it unde control I know coconut put a voice recorder to verify and found out his wife's affair was ongoing
M 37 W 30 S 7 Together 10 years Married 9 years BD: 12/12/12(W filed same day) I moved to apartment 1/11/13 W and S moved to MIL 1/11/13 Peicing: 6/3/13 Reconciled: 7/2013 BD2: 4/20/16 still working on it
Natus - similar to you, I'm in the tech field and I specialize in mobile technologies. The thing that makes me unsure is that there is no mobile digital footprint. My W wile being technically versed; however, over the long run, most people leave a footprint. Don't get me wrong, I want to know. In fact I deserve to know, because this will change many things on how I view my sitch.
cbtdad - yes, a little bit of snooping, some of it points the way I don't want it to go, but a good portion of it points to no OM. Frankly, there is very minimal mobile activity. I understand that's not a foolproof way to determine this, but I would assume to many people a big indicator to what's going on.
I'm GAL this week and leaving for a trip for all week to visit a friend, maybe a voice recorder may be in my future, but again she never talks on the phone.
I think doing what you are doing now completely focusing on you is better than worrying about it. I know i spent way to much effort on snooping but im a scorpio and uncovering secrets is my thing.
Me31 W31 M11yrs S6yrs 23Mar16-BD 9Apr16-W admitted EA w boss. 27Jun16-W Changed job and promised NC w OM. 14Jul16-Continued contact w OM.Start of Separation. 24May17-Divorced.
What are the things that are pointing it to the way that you don't want it to go? I understand the mobile activity thing. My W doesn't talk on her cell phone much either, but she texts like crazy. That's why I had to hack her ipad to find out. When I did that I was able to monitor her texts and FB messenger for about a week. At the end of the day there was nothing I could find any text to her best friends or anything that would indicate something. But in the end there is no way to know 100 percent. So I decided based on info I had that just to move forward like there isn't OM At the end of the day you have zero control over that. I just think it's important to know if you can find out To me it's a different situation if AP is involved
M 37 W 30 S 7 Together 10 years Married 9 years BD: 12/12/12(W filed same day) I moved to apartment 1/11/13 W and S moved to MIL 1/11/13 Peicing: 6/3/13 Reconciled: 7/2013 BD2: 4/20/16 still working on it
What's pointing south is that I have caught my wife not being truthful about her whereabouts. It could easily mean she was just going out with friends and clubbing, and really didn't want to admit to it. The thing that continues to perplex me is why is the first place would she provide any information? I'm not asking. I may of mention in the past my wife seems to be in a MLC and that reliving her lost years is also motivating her actions and determination about how she feels about the MR. Pointing back at my bad choices alleviates some of the guilt/conflict about her decision to want to leave the MR.
I do want to say that I seen my first real DR practice create some noticeable reactions from my W. This past week, I been going dim (it was a lot easier as I was away on a biz trip), but on the weekends doing GAL activities which is not my norm. My W in the evening comes in and wants to talk about our living situation for S, again asking if this should be in-house or S houses. I just spoke in a calm understanding voice that whatever works best for you and a transition that would be best for our kids. She again stated it would make the most economical sense to stay home.
W mentioned I know you want to S, because you want to move on. I stated yes, I do want to move on and do what's best for me, kids and you, but that doesn't mean to S or D. W stated it appeared that with all my texting and going diff places, that maybe I may of found a person. I mentioned, those texts were from my group of people that are friends and support. I told her in a very calm voice that I have never and will not violate my marriage vows until I think our MR is over. I asked in diff ways is that what you have now, she told me multiple ways, NO I don't have OM or an EA. (Don't trust 100% of what she's saying and 50% of her actions). W asked what do I want, I told her I want us to make an effort on our MR for a possible R. I had 3 conditions with your effort 1) MC 2) no other man 3) we sleep in the same room (for the sake of normalcy). I said in return I will still give you space, give you balance if you need to leave for a day I'm OK, because of trust. I want us to do this for 90 days and we can reevaluate from there. W comments wont do MC, because she doesn't want to bring up wounds and 90 days is to long. W suggested 30 days and then evaluate. My suggestions you might want to start IC t deal with your pain, and 30 days really is just a blip and this is something we both need to take time with.
W kept saying if I do this it would only be for you, kids or I would be going through the motion. My comment back is that then don't do it, because its not going to work. Part of the discussion also included, she has seem such remarkable changes w/me both how I am, interaction, calmness, and physically how I've changed. Made a comment that you will be a catch for some other person. I could tell she was conflicted as to what she thinks she wants and what her logical/reasoning part of her mind is telling her. W ended by saying, let's discuss when I get back from my trip. I have a GAL trip and won't be back till next Sunday.
Based on that conversation, I don't have high expectations my W will agree. However some positive signs: 1) DR: GAL, 180 and dimming works and W notices 2) W admits good and positive changes 3) W has (some) conflict in her mind as to wanting to S/D 4) W claims no OM
My plan is to go dim on GAL trip, not pursue and ask about answer - let her bring it up, continue my GAL at home, continue to 180, continue to validate, and new one "as-if" my wife is going to stay home in one form or fashion.
Leaving this week will be good, because she will have the kids all weekend and she will recall how difficult it is to be alone w/kids, plus she may miss me. I also told her I will be leaving away for the following weekend on a friendly GAL trip.
These are all baby steps for W and I know it will be a long haul. The thing that gets me is that she constantly tells me "Not in Love w/You" she has but up such blockers that I don't is she can ever really bring them down to give me a fair opportunity to make amends.
a) My boundaries would me much more different. I'm assuming W is WAW w/some MLC based on my actions in the MR. It's important that growth comes from me in this scenario and that trust comes back to the relationship
b) Probably same as A
C) I'm assuming she's doing that now, because in her mind she has ended the MR and imaging the possibilities. However, these are fantasies and not A or B. Improving myself, doing DR/DB, and detaching will maybe put reality back into the picture.
Lastly, I don't at all support snooping. In periods of weakness, I feel all I have left is understanding my place (I know terrible detachment), which makes me weak and I snoop. I really don't want to do it and really hope there's a time where I just don't care to do it.
