Your sitch is very promising! You like SH understand the DB philosophy well.
As you know, piecing can be harder than DB. It's extremely painful to be a LBS with a wayward S in an affair, but there is also a crutch of blame and anger that we lean on. When W/H comes back, we must also look at our own part in the demise in the M. It's hard to do that when the other person royally F'd up and it's easier to keep the finger pointed at them.
I did this a lot in the first year. H was the bad guy, he made the mistake, and I was the victim. He owned it all. Problem with that is I would do myself a disservice; if I remained a victim I also disempowered myself from making important changes and growing personally.
It has not been until the last several months that I have been able to detach. It may sound counterintuitive that I am detaching during piecing, but we have realized that both never had healthy attachment/detachment. So now if this M ever ends, it will be a decision we can make and we can process it in a more healthy way. Saying that does not scare me anymore.
So my advise is give it more time. Week by week. Day by day. Mind over heart. Make choices that you want for your life but not out of emotion. In terms of the triggers and PTSD, well if you can keep on the path, those WILL fade over time too. They do not stain nearly as much in just a year or 2! That is where self care comes into play. Talk to your safe people, keep doing your GAL, and let W be on her own journey to healing as well.
-Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
