wife of 14 years walks out on her family

[AndrewP]

Raul - this may get edited out but there is a dear internet friend of mine on YouTube - TorrinPage - who has fabulous tutorials on long hair care. Not a lot on curly hair which is a unique thing on it's own.

As far as W and "normal" goes .... I had many episodes where I thought my WW was "back" and treasured them. I was very very wrong and she was just enjoying the glow from being with / talking to OM.

One of the posters here - dream - pointed it out to me in a kind way that I had been moved into the "friend zone".

[cheesyt]

Raul, I hear you, I am a Latina woman, with thick curly hair on my head.

you're good to go if your sister helps. if all else fails, cut it medium length and get it thinned out. will do wonders.

[bigybiz]

Raul: I don't have time to give the details right now. Basically, I did not think she would pull the trigger and say she would leave (despite the fact she had been married before). So when I said - what do you want a D - she said yes.

That was one of the many times that my strong words and not fully understanding where she was coming from backfired and got me farther from where I wanted to be.

The golden rule is zip your lip.
rule # 2 - don't keep this bottled up. Posting is good - but talk to friends, IC, a life coach, DB coach, etc.

I can give more examples - but not just now.

[Raul]

Update:
I'm so confused. I know when I am doing NC, it helps me clear my mind.
W came over this morning to brush our daughters' hair. As you know, I get like a puppy each time I see her. I try so hard to keep my composure. But I feel like a kid in a candy store.

W doesn't want to talk, but I do notice that when she does, I hear keywords as to why she is angry. She called me a hoarder. Because the garage has many electronic, gadget, computer parts and alot of old files. She has been telling me for 3 years to clean it out. I know it still bothers her. She brought it up this morning. But now she says it doesn't matter anymore. Recently, I hired a junk haul company and hauled off most of the big junk. So now it's only mostly small boxes. But she says it's too late.

She told me that it is too late and she is filing for divorce next month. She said it doesn't matter if I am great man that loves her deeply, if we own a home, that we have two beautiful daughters or 14 years of marriage. The problem she says is, SHE DOES NOT LOVE ME ANYMORE. So I responded, well of course not if you are involved with another man. Now here is where I am so confuse. She tells me that the other person does not matter. She fell out of love and she would have divorced me even if there was no other man. She said there is a hole in her and that being with me I don't make her feel complete. She also thinks that I am blabbing bad things about her to other people like her family. I told her that I have not talked to my family or hers for almost 2 months. Just keeping to myself. So I believe someone is telling her things. I'm saying anything bad about her. Anyone would tell you that I have her in a pedestal and say how wonderful she is.

I'm so confuse. So did she leave me because she does not love me or did she leave me because she is with another man? Or is it both? She tells me that it is because she does not love me. She said it is not because of another man. I strongly feel she will be filing for divorce soon.

[AndrewP]

I'm so confuse. So did she leave me because she does not love me or did she leave me because she is with another man? Or is it both? She tells me that it is because she does not love me. She said it is not because of another man. I strongly feel she will be filing for divorce soon.

You may never know. In my sitch my W also said that she decided long before OM that she was done with me. Don't expect to understand her or her motivations.

If she files, then she files and there's not a d@mned thing you can do about it. But you only have to give up when YOU decide that you are giving up. In the mean time be the best Raul you can first for yourself, then for your 2 D and if she ever turns to look at you for W. And yes - it's very hard - especially since like me you turn to jelly at even the hint of a smile.

[bigybiz]

Raul:

If decluttering is what you want to do - then do it. I was years behind in house projects. Well - since Nov 2015 - I have not only caught up - but exceeded any list that we could have dreamed up.

Here are a few of main benefits:

# 1 it ticked her off. She said to me "why did you not do this when it could have made a difference". I said, it's a wake up call and I'm doing it now. That's it. She is always looking around the house seeing the changes. Never mind S10 takes her around the house and shows her.

#2 Catching up on house projects makes me feel great. It sends a great message to everyone around me. Sure my W has left, but I'm not sitting around crying, I'm going on with my life.

Other benefits:
I'm learning new skills. She always maintained the garden. Last year she gave up. So in the fall after BD, I started taking responsibility for the garden. This year our garden looks better than any year she was in charge.

If we have to sell the house - We have some more curb appeal, and some updates = more $

The kids have gotten involved in the house - really cementing it as their home.

So if decluttering or anything that should have been done years ago can be done now - do it.

I assure you, afterwards you will feel great.

[sandi2]

Have you read the threads on the WW? If you did, it didn't stick. You are being used by your WW. You need to set some ground rules as to when she comes to see the girls. Have a co-parenting schedule. She should take the girls to her place and not spend her visiting time at your house.

You need to stop spending time together as a family. This is major cake eating for WW. You need to show her what D looks like. And, D families do not spend time together!

If you stand a chance at her returning to the M, you have to toughen up and stop being this love sick pup. You do not get a WW back by being soft and trying to please them.

When a woman's own sisters tell the H he needs to stand up to his W.........why in the world would you not stop being such a pushover? It ruined her respect and love. So, why continue doing what doesn't work? She is not going to return to a guy that is a doormat.

Btw, what are you doing to GAL?

I hope you will read the WW threads.

[RSG]

Please. Listen to Sandi and read her threads.

If you want ANY chance of your old lady coming back, you've got to read that stuff, implement and re-read when you have any questions.

I make a schedule every week for S. It's so much easier that way. And as for what Sandi says about being soft, it is 1000% true. They stepped out because you got weak. They're not going to look at you any differently until you respect yourself enough to stop letting her get away with stuff. I was in the same boat. My W is freaking out because I keep enforcing boundaries.

First things first. Always watch the way she speaks to you. Always. Whether it's something nasty, like calling you a loser, or it's something more subtle. You've gotta stand up for yourself. Just tell her you don't appreciate it, and keep up with it. If you don't keep up with it, it's like you never did it in the first place.

[Raul]

If she files, then she files and there's not a d@mned thing you can do about it. But you only have to give up when YOU decide that you are giving up. In the mean time be the best Raul you can first for yourself, then for your 2 D and if she ever turns to look at you for W. And yes - it's very hard - especially since like me you turn to jelly at even the hint of a smile. [/quote]

Thanks AndrewP. I like the way you worded it.

[Raul]

Bigybiz,
I have somewhat started. That's why I have not been here to often. She called me a hoarder in front of my girls- which I think it exaggerated.

But yes, she complained about three drawers in the kitchen that I took over with a lot of electronics. It is done, cleaned out!

The garage, it is still a work in progress. I have somewhat took baby steps. But you are right bro, it will take a day to do it. I just have to do it.

Regarding the backyard... I am so disappointed, I let it die. My grass is yellow now. It was my pride and joy and she always complimented my maintenance. But you are right, do it for myself. So I can look outside for once without thinking how I let it go.

Thank you for the pep talk.