Whatever happens our lives will go on and we WILL be ok.
I'm nervous myself as today is the day I will stand up to my W and tell her our current situation is unacceptable and I am moving on with my life. I really don't know how it will go down.
ME- 31 W-25 T-5 M-3 D2 ILYBNILWY and moved out - FEB16 W seeing someone else - JUL16
I know there is nothing I can say that can make you feel any better. It is the worst feeling ever to be crushed like this.
I will say one thing though, stay strong and don't let her give you any pity. As hard as it might be use all your strength to not break down in front of her.
You still have a shot at this she has no idea what a D will be like as she has had you around the whole time! In house separation is not separation! It is a long road and I can't tell you how it will end but her pushing for a D before even knowing how it will feel to not have you around is crazy.
This is the beginning not the end, take care of yourself Gump. We all have your back and are here whenever you need support.
ME- 31 W-25 T-5 M-3 D2 ILYBNILWY and moved out - FEB16 W seeing someone else - JUL16
UGHHH So sorry Gump! Its not over until you decide its over!! Hang in there and be strong!! These women are crazy and can change their mind at any moment!!
W:42 M:48 T:9 yrs M:1yr BD: Feb 2016 EA Confirmed: Feb 2016/PA July 2016 D: Feb 2017
Gump - a piece of advice here. Educate yourself! Learn about the rules in your region and know what your rights and expectations are. There is also a process called "Collaborative Law" that is in a lot of places. It allows couples to negotiate terms in a respectful non-court (and generally cheaper) environment. Opinions differ on it but if my W ever starts the separation / D process we will probably use it. And remember that just because the law has set out certain guidelines, from everything I've read and everyone I've talked to who has gone through a D that all hits the fan during the actual negotiations and settlement. From what I've been told as well even though the law officially takes no notice of it, the conduct of the parties is taken into account especially around custody arrangements so keep your cool and be respectful and "the better man".
Know in advance what you want in an ideal settlement and do not allow yourself to be railroaded into whatever dream world your W has.
When my W pulled out her pamphlets and started talking about separation she was shocked when I pulled out the D papers with grounds of infidelity filled out. Even though she knew that I had been to see a L she seemed surprised that I was this prepared and that I was prepared to not dance around "being nice" and letting her drive the bus. The fact that her infidelity would become a matter of public record as well horrified her. I on the other hand was shocked by how little preparation and research "she" had done. It seems that the two L appointments she previously said she had weren't with an actual "real" L. She went and had a "real" L appointment a week and a half ago and I have no idea what the outcome of that is / might be other than that neither I nor my L have heard anything.
Now - my motivations may be different than yours. More than anything I want to save my M and have my W come back to me. But I also want her to be happy and if cutting her loose makes her happy then I will do that. I do however have a clear idea of what I want to be left with if she goes. This is also part of my 180 / LRT on this matter. In the past I always gave in to whatever W wanted and I also want her to know that I am willing to go through a D and that it would final and that she will need to be the one to pull that trigger on the gun that is loaded with my ammo and not cake.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Oh Gump, your Spidey senses seemed to have been right.
I'm keeping my fingers, toes and eyes crossed for you but if it is confirmed that she wants to progress with the D then remember this isn't necessarily the end... Lots of people get back together at the eleventh hour or indeed after the divorce has been finalised.
This is such a rotten sitch for you to be in especially as you have had to wait all this time for her to decide....
Me - 47 H - 45 D-16 M - 6 years Separated - May 16
Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
Hang in there buddy. I am so very sorry about this. AndrewP was right - learn the laws. I know in many states, people with kids must live physically separated for 1 year. Some even longer.
Perhaps if your state is like that and it will buy you time. Time is your friend as long as you can stick to your 180 guns and keep focus on yourself.
When the house goes up for sale, the kids have to go to a different school, the payment schedule is discussed - that stuff can get pretty scary, so yeah time is your friend.
If you can I hope you find time to get out and do ANYTHING positive that is just for you.
If you can't get out - we're all here for you.
"There is no more important fight than the one for ourselves. Keep on winning." Ginger1, Read her newbies. BD: Feb '16 D: Mar '17 Piecing: Putting the self back together was my piecing. S6
Thanks all for your responses. It helps. And even those that don't respond -- just reading the forum helps me. I feel a camaraderie with other human beings going through similar struggles. I knew 50% of all marriages end in a divorce. Didn't realize a small fraction of us end up in this forum.
I had an invite to get out of the house, so I did w/ my S and spent a good chunk of the afternoon outdoors. That helped ease the pain, and I started to think about not wanting to be seen as anything less than a H by my W -- don't want to be some castrated best friend -- and I started to feel like what she's doing is really immature and adolescent, which made me feel like I deserve better. Those thoughts gave me just enough courage that when I got home I put up a good front, did not act pitifully hurt.
Which I am. The heart is a monster.
Me: 50, MLC/WW 45 Young kids Nov 2015: BD1 Apr 2016: BD2 Jan 2017: W filed Feb 2017: D final
