Albac broken but pushing forward

[albac]

Just to clarify further when I say she thinks divorce and separated are the same thing. She told me she didn't love me at 11:00pm and night then moved out 7:00am following morning. Asked me to buy her a car a week and a half after she moved out and said something like "I had a car when we got together I think I should leave with one as settlement" she also changed her surname from mine to her parents within 2 weeks.

I struggle to make my sense of her actions and I am sure they are so far from what is considered normal around here. Most people's sitchs I have read on this site are mature adults trying to work out serious problems. My W is more like a rebelling 18 year old who has no idea what she wants in life.

[sandi2]

It is her mindset you do not understand. She is not thinking or behaving like the woman you knew. Acting like a rebellious 18 year old, is a good description of a WW.

[albac]

Yes her mindset right now is something I will never understand. I try to but nothing she does makes any sense right now all I can do is work on my and try to distance myself from her.

[ForGump]

I doubt she is in some type of MLC. The WW and MLC W have very similar behavior.

Sandi2 -- how does an LBS tell MLC apart from WW?

I've read a lot of posts here about MLC and WW, and I understand how they differ in theory, but to an observer who can only SEE their spouse's behavior and not really PEEK inside the spouse's brain ... I think MLC and WW could appear very similar. Are their key differences in behavior exhibited?

Thanks.

[ForGump]

"Considering we are separated and your decision to date, I feel I need to move forward with my life. I think it would be best if we not contact each other except in cases regarding our daughter. I won't be spending time with you....or invite you to hang out at the house. I won't engage in doing things as a family, b/c I do not want to confuse our daughter".

Thank you for giving us a sample message. Really helpful to have something tangible to use as a starting point.

I like the "to date" phrase, because it reminds her very gently that the future can be different.

But the sentence about doing things as a family and confusing our daughter... I'm a little concerned about that one. I think we LBS/doormat/cake bakers need to be more forthright about why we don't want to be their backup-plan and/or emotional cake. How about something like,

"Dear WW: I understand you want us to remain good friends, but based on your decision to date, I find the type of friendship you want impossible for me. You told me you do not love me and you have moved out, but you continually contact me several times a day about things that are not related to parenting. I cannot maintain such an intense and intimate friendship with someone other than a loving wife. I need to move forward with my life. I remain committed to being a good co-parent with you to our daughter, so please contact me regarding any parenting issue, and I will make every effort to respond in a timely, appropriate manner. But I will no longer be able to respond to your calls and messages about your own life. I wish you the best."

[albac]

I like that Gump,

I think they are both a good starting point and neither of them are bad. The hardest part for me and I'd like to know how you feel about it Gump, but all these things just feel so intense and I can't help but feel I am slamming the door shut on the M I know that is NOT the case but no matter how many times I tell myself in my head it has to be this way for her to wake up to what is going on I just feel fear.

I will see how I go tomorrow when I pick up D I know I am definitely getting less attached and more in tune with the reality they we more then likely will never be together again and I am slowly dealing with that. I have occasional visions of me later in life happy with someone else and it helps me calm down.

Lately I am honestly struggling to decipher weather I truly love my W or just have a fear of being alone. Some books I have read lately talk about a confusion between being addicted to having a partner and true love and I guess it has me thinking a lot. Because honestly how can you love someone who has done these things to us? I don't know I am rambling but my head is fairly scattered right now.i almost wish she would just go NC so I don't have a choice in the matter.

Thanks again Sandi and Gump you have both been a great help. Stay strong

[ForGump]

albac--

I want to say that ultimately only YOU can know what is best for your situation, because ... we cannot know the full picture through Internet forums. You gotta make the final decision yourself.

But ... come on. She's sleeping w/ someone else. You still want to be her best friend? She's castrated you. She doesn't see you as husband material. Harsh, I know. But I'm in the same boat: my W doesn't see me as a H no more, and I don't want to be seen that way by her. No fn way.

[albac]

So true Gump,

And at times I can see it with such clarity until somethings comes along and makes me question it. But it is like you say, she has sacked me as her H and has no respect for me time to get real.

[ForGump]

albac -- I think you realize that for most of us, we are here writing in this forum, giving thoughts & advice to others because it helps exorcise our own demons. And of course get advice and encouragement from others.

So you do what you feel is right for you... I have no freaking idea who you are in real life but I hope your suffering ends soon and you get to a better place.

I just gotta keep repeating to myself the idea that however much it hurts -- the D and all the changes -- I don't want to be stuck in a place where my W doesn't see me as H material.

The one thing that I cannot shake off is this incredible awful feeling I have for my kids.

[albac]

Gump,

We are all here looking for whatever we can get to help us through what I believe is the worst time in most of our lives. I will be forever greatful for the advice and support I have received here from people I don't know, regardless of the outcome.

i truly believe that your feelings are correct I would rather lose my W forever then have her think of me as some kind of lost dog she can use as a best friend while seeing someone else. And I was stupid enough to basically allow that to happen up until now but it's time to take my life back and stop letting her use me.

I too feel totally gutted for my D knowing that she is so young and doesn't understand it now but will live her whole life without a normal family environment and to be honest it hurts me so much I have to block the feeling out as it just causes so much pain.

But one thing I know and it is undeniable I have and always will put my D first and give her everything I possibly can in this life and that is something to be proud of. I am sure you are the same man Gump, we would do anything to protect or kids.

Take care, stay strong