The Fight for Self

[CT1118]

Last part of question: How should LBS handle WW MLC. Just as with the other stuff: mix of sources, just what I found on the subject when researching for my own understanding, could apply to a WH MLC as well - but I have been honest that I searched for everything coming from the position that I am LBS to WW MLC, and I would suggest the 180's and GAL are still your best defense/response. But this is all information to consider I guess. FWIW, I personally found the information below the most helpful of all the information I discovered in my research.

How to respond to a WW having an MLC:

- Recognize and accept: you cannot change her feelings, you cannot save her, you cannot control her, you only control yourself.

- This is not personal. Things like this simply happen. There was nothing LBS could have done to prevent MLC in their spouse.

- Acknowledge and accept your role in what made the M bad, improve those things, but this does not excuse the A.

- Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst.

- One decision at a time, one day at a time. Be deliberate about everything you do.

- Make requests in a thoughtful and loving way.

- Do not treat her like a normal woman. She is not a normal woman, she is in chaos. If your wife came from a troubled childhood it was not an "if" they have a midlife crisis question, it is a "when" question.

- Make goals/plans/and strategies for yourself.

- Give her space. Enjoy your space.

- She is angry at her childhood and how it has followed/affected her entire life.

- Everything you see, hear, and observe are symptoms - including the A - of her midlife crisis. Do not focus on the symptoms.

- Don't label the problem for your spouse, don't give hints that they have a problem, don't point out harmful behaviors, none of this will help. Your WW MLC is on their own journey and must decide what path they follow.

- A mid-life crisis takes time: good news is that at time of BD in the M, the MLC is usually half way over.

- Learn to forgive her. This is not for WW's sake, but for your own freedom.

- Let go of visions you have always had: let go of what you think marriage is supposed to look like, let go of what true love means, let go of how you think relationships should function.

- Take charge of your own health and happiness. This is a choice you can make which starts by changing your attitude.

- Improve your personal appearance: hair, clothes, shoes, hygiene, body definition. This is for you, but WW will notice.

- Do not allow yourself to be manipulated by WW MLC. Do not show her you're angry and hurt. Show confidence in who you are and your decisions. Do not lose your cool and protect your personal business. Your WW MLC will try to take advantage of you, above is a defense.

- Become what your WW MLC cannot have. Keep conversations light and short. You will appear mysterious and interesting over time as WW MLC notices. WW MLC will be frustrated, confused, and intrigued by this behavior.

- Stop being the boring man you were in the M. Find new hobbies. Feel free, independent, popular, likable, enjoyable, friendly, encouraging, and conversational with everyone else in your life.

- Do not challenge WW MLC on anything she says no matter how crazy unless it directly affects your dignity, crosses boundaries, or will be negative to your children. In those cases be direct, succinct, and firm.

- Get a grip on yourself. You have a whole lot to lose if you act out of desperation. (personal interjection here - this one could be read with implications that what you lose is your WW. While true, I also believe the statement refers to your own health/sanity/dignity/happiness. Something to think about)

- The WW MLC can come out of this a better person. You can too.

- Let your partner know subtly that they are beautiful, desirable, incredible.

- Prioritize your children, prioritize yourself.

- Become the greatest father you can become. This does not mean doing everything you child(ren) want to do. AN MLC can sometimes remove the motherly instinct from a woman, this is "how" they can appear to "abandon" the kids. You will need to become more attentive to children's needs, more in touch with their emotions, be more ready to make up for the loss of their mother's time, security, and attention.

- Stop energy draining activities like: TV, video games, porn, drugs/alcohol, constant checking phone/email for WW contact, and spying on WW.

- Do not forget nothing you did justifies her A. You did do things to make her weak and prone to it, but you did not cause it. One day when WW comes out of MLC she will accept responsibility for the A, whether you are still there or not.

- Never say "I don't care", "i no longer care", or anything like this. These statements do not protect your well-being. Do not say them for the fact that you DO care, you care about yourself.

- Do not leave your own house. Do not leave your bedroom. If WW MLC leaves the house, make that her choice. If she wants her own bedroom, put new locks on the door and give her all the keys so she knows that is her space only. This is no longer your W, this is a stranger sharing your home. Stay calm about this.

- Maintain and grow the positive changes you have made for yourself.

- This is YOUR choice. You are in control of you. If you choose to keep the marriage you will need patience, faith, detachment, a focus upon yourself, to know what you want from life, a support system, education from reading everything you can, prayer (if you pray), and boundaries to keep your self respect and your dignity.

- Be open to and excited for your own journey.


I want to be VERY VERY clear with this last post of this type for now. These are not the answers to everyone's specific problems. This is information. As MWD says in her DB/DR books, what works for some may not work for others. While I find a lot of value in the information I have shared over the past few posts, some of it does not apply to me, some of it I don't think is right for me, and some of it seems unrealistic to me. What I have hopefully achieved is to offer some options and further education for you at this time. I encourage, if not downright insist that you go beyond these posts, if you think items pertain to you, and do your own research. Otherwise, these are my notes, I admit I did not annotate their sources (other than bookmarks in a folder on my laptop), and you risk the filter of my own bias while I took the notes. I did my very best to present this information in a way that limited my own opinions or to be direct about them being my opinions where I did put them in. I hope they inform and help you in your journey.
My best to everyone.