Hey Smithy I appreciate you stopping by my thread. I've caught myself up on your situation and would like to offer a little insight I see you've admitted to your faults. This seems like it has been a wake up call for you. You have admitted to verbally abusing and controlling your W. I am all too familiar with this now. I think what you recognize are the overt symptoms of verbal abuse, but what ends to shut down a W is the covert symptoms. The controlling, defining, etc. There is a book that you need to get right away to see it from your wifes point of view and it will help you tremendously. The name of the book is "The Verbally Abusive Man: Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans This book will probably give you insight to things you were and are doing that you never even realized you were doing. It is very important to understand that this is something that needs to change for you no matter what happens in your marriage. This is something that is going to take a lot of work and patience on your part. I am going to kind of highjack your thread with this next paragraph, but I do see some similarities lie you said.
From what you have shared with us so far, your W reminds me a lot of my W in my first stint here. Much like Sandi said, my W was ripe for an affair and sure enough that did happen. I remember my W saying in MC, the only time we went at first, that we didn't have a chance. That she would never ever be with me. That I would never change. She had already moved on in her mind. She was "done" Looking back now I understand why she was done. I really worked on the things that I thought were the problems. We reconciled after 6 months. But here I am 3 years later. Turns out that I didn't get to the root of the problems. Why? Because I really didn't even realize the things I was doing. Until I started to doing research and found that book. It's been totally different. I see things completely differently. Now it has giving me a chance to save my marriage, but most importantly it is giving me a chance to be a better man and father and make sure I don't pass this down to my S. Hopefully my marriage works out, but if not I am will be in a much better place. I am struggling with staying in an in home separation at the moment. I think I could "speed up" the process of feeling "wanted" from my W by moving out and "moving on" But I don't want a quick fix. I want this to last. So I am having to have extreme patience. As my IC said, "all your actions and words over the years have shut your W down. This didn't happen overnight. it will take a while for her to trust you with her emotions. Only then will she open up sexually" And so far I have see that progress. I am still in the guest room, but my W is beginning to open up to hugs and massages. She has also begin to think about the idea of me being back in MBR. One step at a time. Just remember that DBing is about becoming the best you can be, with the hope that it gives you a shot to save your marriage
M 37 W 30 S 7 Together 10 years Married 9 years BD: 12/12/12(W filed same day) I moved to apartment 1/11/13 W and S moved to MIL 1/11/13 Peicing: 6/3/13 Reconciled: 7/2013 BD2: 4/20/16 still working on it
cbtdad - Thanks for reading my sitch and giving me your advice. I read yours and also found some similarities. I am absolutely committed to make changes for me and ultimately those changes will improve my relationship my kids and if god willing my kids.
I am going to get that book as you suggested and see where I can learn and improve. I'm also going to IC and looking for a good support group.
I like to ask, in your first time, when your wife "moved on" what was it that got her back to R the MR?
I'm in an in-house separation with my W, and I know its tough for her as it is for me. But, I got to do the work and 180 and GAL. What my DG coach is suggesting, because of my past behavior is do not go dark, because she will think its again one of my anger episodes.
One day at a time...that's all have. Thanks again for the great suggestions.
What are you doing to detach and focus on yourself? Have you read the homework from cadet about detachment?
1) I'm attempting to establish new friends and go out more to establish more balance in my life. I'm exercising quite a bit more and I've dropped 20 lbs (I'm back to my college weight), and very focused on my kids.
2) Yes, I read the homework on detachment...all I can say is I'm trying
I am doing the GAL for myself but if I have to be truthful, I'm also GAL so that my wife can see the changes.
What got my W back to consider the marriage was long consistent changes over a period of time. But before she would reconcile she needed to come out of the "fog" of her A and the OM needed to be out of the picture. To me there is a huge difference between a situation with AP versus a situation without one. If there is an OM involved then you have to do things completely different in my opinion. Of course unless you have concrete evidence there is no way to really know for sure, but most of the time there is an OM involved For me I noticed my W became interested when I truly detached. I think when that happens is when they notice. It's not something you can fake. It takes time to detach and will not happen over night. You detach by GAL activities and focusing on yourself and your happiness. I reconciled to soon in my situation and made it too easy for W to return to marriage. That's why this time around I am taking the long road and listening to the veterans who say it can take upwards of 3 years to fully reconcile. I can't control anything by actions and how I handle things There are plenty of times that I want to just give up and move out. The problem is I almost certain if I did she would come running back and give me all the attention I'm looking for and then I would cave in and stop the progress on myself. So it's the long road for me this time But I can't control the outcome. Either way I know I will be a better man and father And that is my goal
M 37 W 30 S 7 Together 10 years Married 9 years BD: 12/12/12(W filed same day) I moved to apartment 1/11/13 W and S moved to MIL 1/11/13 Peicing: 6/3/13 Reconciled: 7/2013 BD2: 4/20/16 still working on it
meant to say can't control any BUT MY actions and how I handle things
M 37 W 30 S 7 Together 10 years Married 9 years BD: 12/12/12(W filed same day) I moved to apartment 1/11/13 W and S moved to MIL 1/11/13 Peicing: 6/3/13 Reconciled: 7/2013 BD2: 4/20/16 still working on it
cbtdad - Thank you very much for sharing me your story. In my specific sitch, there is as I believe no current OM; however, based on my observations I think my W is interested to possibly test the waters. What may hinder her from doing this is her value system: she's married, living in the M house, has kids, and a pretty conservative W, plus very busy w/her new job.
What you said about your W was that she was open to R at full detachment. I am truly working towards GAL and 180; however, detaching is a lot tougher, especially as I see her most days. My other fear is if she's truly detached herself, and truly does not want this M, she will see my "healthy" behavior as a good sign for her to minimize her own guilt of leaving the M. I do see (at times) conflict in her and through some of her actions. If she really wanted this to end, she would of already filed, or just physically S, or just plan as little communication as possible in house. Currently, none of this has happened. In fact last week, she bought me a shirt from her girl's weekend...she did tell me if was a cheap shirt and wanted to give me a gift, like a nice roommate would do. The flip side is that, wherever possible she has puts up walls - restricted me from her FB feed, told me not to call her honey, will not change in front of me, talks to me a very formalize basis.... Knowing my wife, this is how she tries to move on, by doing and taking actual steps to demonstrate her resolve.
I know with every fiber the best thing for me is to detach and GAL for me, because good or bad it will be healthier/better for me what ever happens in the end.
I learned a lot from your postings and I hope the best for you and your advice. I hope if the good lord is willing to give me a chance to have a rebirth w/my W.
What may hinder her from doing this is her value system: she's married, living in the M house, has kids, and a pretty conservative W, plus very busy w/her new job.
So was I.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
cbtdad - Thank you very much for sharing me your story. In my specific sitch, there is as I believe no current OM; however, based on my observations I think my W is interested to possibly test the waters. What may hinder her from doing this is her value system: she's married, living in the M house, has kids, and a pretty conservative W, plus very busy w/her new job.
This sounds alot like my W. I thought no way there could be OM as she always home and in bed by 8.30pm. She makes me breakfast for work, she has a strong value system. Boy I was wrong. Dont meant to scare you but just warning that you might be in LBS fog.
Originally Posted By: SmithyC
In fact last week, she bought me a shirt from her girl's weekend...she did tell me if was a cheap shirt and wanted to give me a gift, like a nice roommate would do. The flip side is that, wherever possible she has puts up walls - restricted me from her FB feed, told me not to call her honey, will not change in front of me, talks to me a very formalize basis.... Knowing my wife, this is how she tries to move on, by doing and taking actual steps to demonstrate her resolve.
Oh man this sounded alot like my W. This was her way of saying shes completely checked out and is just waiting for me to be on the same page. She doesnt want the guilt of breaking you guys up hence why she hasnt done anything. Shes waiting for you to give up. She doesnt want to do any of the work or hard stuff cause that will make her the bad guy.
Me31 W31 M11yrs S6yrs 23Mar16-BD 9Apr16-W admitted EA w boss. 27Jun16-W Changed job and promised NC w OM. 14Jul16-Continued contact w OM.Start of Separation. 24May17-Divorced.
