Ok I tried to link my old thread, not sure it worked!
I hope to find you all doing ok today. It's Saturday and S and I declared it "chill day" so I am looking forward to a good day.
Bttrfly - I love your perspective, thank you for sharing it. Any and all thoughts are welcome, it helps. It's possible H may have been surprised that I already had plans, but I won't feel badly about that. I would have loved to have had dinner with H and S on my birthday, but the option didn't come up until 6:00 that night and was obviously an afterthought. Thanks but no thanks!
Job, I will think about the mixed signals I may be giving and pay attention to it. I suppose instead of saying "I already have plans" I could have said " I would have loved to have dinner with you two, but friends already asked me out" That would have been more open and honest, a trait I am still working on. Opening my heart to a man terrifies me, even more so after this 3 year experience.
Hawho - thank you for the kind words
Bright - I am working hard to stop analysing H actions/inactions. One thing that helps me is to keep H off the R pedestal and keep him on the friend pedestal. The expectations are much lower and much more realistic, especially around special occasions. I still forget sometimes that we are still here.
Lou - I do honestly believe H does not do things intentionally to hurt me. He is pretty clueless, always has been. It's just who he is which always brings me back to wondering, can we be happy together or is this our chance to move on to people we are more compatible with?
This question is not just a reaction to my birthday, I have been feeling this way and posting so for months. It's my dilemma to figure out....I know I will, just moving along until that happens. At the end of the day, I feel like I have learned and changed, but he hasn't. He is still stuck in the same old place, however I see thoughtfulness happen here and there. I sometimes wonder if his state of mind is just to do things together for S, not to be around me. It's like we tolerate this situation for S only, because if he was not in the picture, I don't think we would ever see each other....but who knows.
And to add a disclaimer, I think female hormones played a huge part in my birthday pity party, so now that I am feeling back to myself, things are a bit clearer lol
So I put that all behind me. We are having a work bbq on Sunday at a co-workers ranch for our associate who is moving away. The office wanted me to borrow H frisbee golf and corn hole games. So I reached out to H, asked to borrow the games and added that we would love for him to join us, especially to see S hold the chickens! H jumped on it, said of course we can borrow the games and yes, he wants to come. My co-workers are so excited about it! Lol, here I am calm, half expecting him to flake, and they are besides themselves.
That evening, H TM that he was driving past a park in downtown San Jose on the way home from work and he passed live reggae music and a bunch of people. He said he thought he would just let me know. Well, I'm glad to know reggae music makes him think of me? And I hope it haunts him forever? Lol! I replied how fun that would be. I then (thinking of you Bttrfly) invited him to join S, me and friends to see a movie the next night, or if interested, have dinner with me (while S goes to movie, the other mom offered, knowing our sitch). I added, if he can't do dinner that night, then another time?
Yep, I asked H out on a date. I gotta know I tried everything....
I got crickets, silence.
My aunt took me out to dinner that night for my birthday. My aunt and I are so alike, she is complete opposite of my mom. She is upbeat, positive and outgoing. We had a wonderful time. She told me, don't listen to what anybody says, keep doing what works for you guys. She told me she was very proud of me and felt we were very wise in working through this slowly. She does hope for a resolution soon though, she hates seeing me go through this. Meanwhile, I enjoyed my night and felt very peaceful and relaxed, in spite of being completely rejected by H!
Again, I believe it's not on purpose. I think he is either overwhelmed at work, distracted, unsure....but I don't think he was thinking, I will just ignore her to hurt her. His empathy is nonexistent.
The next evening, S and I are getting ready to head to the movie. I get the TM from H, I am sorry, didn't see my phone until today, was really busy (translation, you are just not important enough) with upcoming after hours work project....but wants to go to movie, but doesn't think he will make it as he is just leaving the worksite 45 minutes away. He says he will TM when he gets home.
I didn't reply, nothing to say.
We get to movie and he calls. I hand the phone to S to answer, he says he doesn't want to talk to him. We were buying our tickets, so I put phone back in my purse. We watched movie, it was really cute. Nine Lives, about a dad who chooses work over family, forgets birthdays and doesn't treat them well, so he is turned into a cat who has to win them over to return.....pretty ironic?
After the movie, I read H TM saying he was exhausted and couldn't make it in time but really would have liked to. I replied OK with sleep emoji's.
Today is his day and night with S, but he has the special project for work, so I have S today and tonight. He will pick him up Sunday morning, have him for the day, then meet up with me for the bbq.
To some, this might all sound promising, like movement. It might be...but I still only see his movement in regards to S. He never mentioned my dinner invite, so how else could I take that? He is not ready or plain not interested, but wants to continue family time....but I still feel it's the right thing to do. Must try all avenues, again, to know I tried everything. If I closed the door on family time, knowing it means so much to H, I would always wonder if that was the wrong thing to do. I see this as our only chance to reconnect.
In the meantime, my door remains open. Someone will eventually come into my world who would love to spend time with me....
H is plan A, but I stay open to plan B. I don't feel bad about it because I continue to try new things and continue to allow H in. I am finding the balance in that, it works right now.... Sometimes I feel my standing has turned into tolerating....
Hope you all have a nice weekend
Me 48 H 46 S 11 M 2004 BD 8/13 H moved out 2/15 -live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
lol