It really was never this much work. I just LIVED. That was it - LIVED LIFE. ... I just don't want to get to the end not having that kind of love again and it sure looks like that's where I'm headed.
How are you going to know what you want if you don't just live your life? Otherwise you're just stuck in your head going round and round in circles.
Here's how I got where I am -- which is meant to be descriptive, not prescriptive.
There are certain ways I behaved with Mr. Fantastic that I now recognize took me so far away from the way I wanted to be. I chose him based on qualifications that my parents kind of set when I was growing up (we married when I was 25 and he was 23) which assumed that people have really consistent values. When we broke up, I finally acknowledged that his values and mine are not at all similar. So that was the first thing I knew I wanted, someone whose values match mine.
The second thing was, there are things in my life that always felt off-limits. I made those things mentally possible for myself, and then I decided that I wanted someone who would help me make them part of my life. It's similar to the values thing, but a little more practical.
The third thing was, I want someone who wants their life to be richer in the ways that I am capable of providing. Mr. Fantastic wanted a Brazilian-waxed sex-bunny who will match him drink for drink. That isn't me. I have something to offer a guy who wants to be cherished and nurtured and who values physical and emotional connection. That's part of knowing who I am.
You seem to me to be holding so tight to life. Would it help to let go a little and look around you more? There's something out there for you but if you look too hard for it you may look in the places where it's not.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
